Meet New People

Everybody knows that first impressions count. If you’d like to take the initiative to make new friends but don’t want to come off as creepy, then it's important to find a balance between showing interest and not coming off as too eager -- or even desperate. If you want to know how to meet new people without creeping them out, just follow these steps.

Steps

Having the Right Attitude

  1. Live in the moment. If you want to meet new people without being creepy, the first thing you have to do is stop worrying about how you come off and to enjoy the present moment of the new conversation. Let go of your expectations, ego, and fears, all of which can prevent a conversation from unfolding organically. Learn to focus on the other person so that you can drown out your inner nag and stop being distracted from interesting points of discussion and exploration.
    • When you approach a new person, don't ask yourself, "How do I look?" or "How do I sound?" Instead, ask, "What would this person like to talk about?" "What matters to this person?"
    • You can keep the momentum going by being one step ahead of the person you're talking to by thinking about what to say next, instead of falling behind and obsessing over something you said or did five minutes ago that might have come off the wrong way.
  2. Don't be needy. Neediness is a precursor to obsessiveness, and obsessiveness is creepy. Needy people are imbalanced and unstable because their happiness hinges too greatly on someone else. If you're projecting a vibe that you'll be devastated if a person doesn't want to be your friend or romantic partner, it's time to slow down, be patient, and examine yourself.
    • If you really click with someone you meet, don't be too quick to say, "I like you!" or "You're really awesome!" unless you're getting a really positive vibe from the other person.
    • Whether you're meeting a potential friend or romantic partner, don't ask for the person's number in the middle or the conversation or as soon as you think you click. Instead, wait until the end to ask -- it's a more natural time to ask.
    • If you meet someone who you think will be a great friend, you can casually say, "We should check out that new movie together," or "I'd love to check out that yoga class you're talking about" -- don't invite the person to do anything too intense at first. Don't ask the person to go out on a long hike with you, go to a family dinner with you, or to help you go underwear shopping. Keep it casual at first, or you'll look too eager.
    • Avoid sounding creepy or desperate by not saying things like, "I don't have many friends -- it would be great to hang out with you!"
  3. Stay confident. You may be doubting yourself, but you'll be much more likely to come off as not creepy if you keep up your confidence and make other people feel that you're a person who is worth talking to. You should be confident before you walk into a room with new people in it and build your confidence as the conversation goes along. Just smile, talk about the things that you love, and show everyone that you love who you are, where you are, and what you do.
    • Body language can help you stay confident. Stand tall, maintain eye contact, and don't fidget with your hands or look at the floor.
    • Don't check your reflection in your mirror or in reflective surfaces, or people will see that you're doubting yourself.
    • When you introduce yourself, speak clearly and loudly enough that you'll be heard.
  4. Be positive. Maintaining a positive attitude -- without seeming too excited -- will make people want to talk to you. You should smile or laugh from time to time without keeping a creepy grin plastered on your face or laughing at things that aren't funny. Talk about the things you love, the things that make you happy, and your interests (as long as they aren't too off-putting at first -- avoid mentioning taxidermy or Facebook stalking on your first go-around) to keep people engaged.
    • If you talk about your long-standing hatred for a certain teacher, classmate, or celebrity, then yeah, you will come off as creepy.
    • Don't nod and agree with what the person is saying every five seconds like a little lap dog -- that will definitely be creepy. The occasional, "That's so true!" or "I know exactly what you mean!" will be far more positive and far less creepy.

Keeping Up a Good Conversation

  1. Master the art of small talk. There's nothing small about small talk. Small talk is what helps you get to know people and open up to having a more serious conversation and a more personal relationship. Talking about the weather or what classes you're taking can lead to a more serious discussion about your favorite interests, or your favorite memories from a certain time of year.
    • To make small talk, you should work on being interested in the other person instead of obsessing over being interested.
    • Ask the person some basic questions like what classes he or she is taking, if he or she has any pets or siblings, or ask anything about his or her summer vacation or upcoming plans.
    • Learn to build off a simple comment. If the person says he hates the rainy weather you're having, you can ask what activities he likes to do when the sun is out.
    • Listen carefully. If the person mentions that he's from San Francisco, when sports teams come up later, you can casually ask if he's a 49ers or a Giants fan.
  2. Stick to the right amount of detail. Awkward silences can very easily turn into creepiness, but so can your babbling on and on about your mother, your cat, or your collection of bugs. A good conversationalist keeps finding things they have in common in a casual, non-intrusive way. For example, there's a difference between asking someone "Have you ever held a tarantula?" and saying "Have you ever felt the tiny hairs of a tarantula's legs brush up against the palm of your hand?" The latter is more poetic, but way too intimate for a first conversation.
    • Learn to start a conversation and keep it flowing in a fun, positive, and casual way.
    • It's worth repeating that you should not go on and on about unique hobbies or interests unless the person shares them or asks a lot of questions. If they only ask a few questions, that doesn't necessarily mean they're interested; it probably means they're just being polite, so don't dominate the conversation with your enthusiasm.
    • When first meeting someone, it's more important to listen to what they have to say than to talk about yourself.
  3. Find common ground. Work to find something that you and the person have in common -- even if it's a bit of a stretch. If you're both from Jersey, talk about your favorite summer time destinations in your state or ask if you played on any competing sports teams; if you found out you both went to the same college, then talk about any extra curricular activities or Greek life activities you both might have been involved in.
    • Don't make it too obvious that you're trying to do this -- asking the person to list his ten favorite TV shows or bands will make it sound too obvious.
    • It can be very simple. One thing you may have in common can be that you both think the bar you're in has an amazing beer selection.
    • Though it's advisable to stick to having a positive interest in common, you can always find common ground over your mutual hatred of Justin Bieber or your history teacher too.
  4. Give appropriate compliments. To keep a conversation flowing, you can occasionally complement the person you're talking to. Saying something like, "Wow, it sounds like you're really managing to keep a lot on your plate with work and school" or "I love those shell earrings" can help make the person feel appreciated. Saying, "You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen" or "I've never met anyone with such incredible legs before" will send the wrong message.
    • Be sparing with complements when meeting a new person. Just complementing one personal item or one personality trait throughout the course of a conversation will make you sound polite, but not creepy.

Respecting Boundaries

  1. Start off slow. Think of any kind of relationship as a video game. You start off at the easiest level, and as time goes on and you improve, you go to more difficult levels and achieve a greater sense of satisfaction. When you first meet someone, you're on level 1, and you're not supposed to proceed to level 2 until you get past level 1, and so on. People who come off as creepy tend to accidentally skip to level 15.
    • You can build your way up to talking about more personal topics, but start with the simple and inoffensive stuff, such as your college major, or your favorite band.
    • Don't talk about your loneliness, depression, or past mental breakdowns, if you've had any -- this will definitely come off as creepy.
  2. Avoid staring. Extended, direct eye contact is something lovers usually do. It's something you can do if the person you're talking to is noticeably romantically interested, but even then it's risky because the creep factor is high if you're mistaken. Look someone in the eye while they're talking, but also be sure to pull your gaze away periodically and shift your interest to other things.
    • And check to make sure you don't have a tendency of staring at someone's body (chest, hands, shoes, whatever), even if in admiration or curiosity. In general, you don't want to make someone feel like they're under a microscope.
  3. Avoid asking too many personal questions. What's too personal? It depends. Your best bet is to pay attention to other people's conversations. Notice what people feel comfortable talking about when they first meet. Know which topics to steer clear of: romantic experiences, politics, religion, illness or disease, and anything dark like murder or death (this is not the time to explain how the sword you have on your wall was designed to pierce someone's intestines in a particular way).
    • Asking, "Are you dating anyone?" can be appropriate if you're having a conversation about being single. Asking, "Have you met the love of your life yet?" or "Have you ever dealt with a traumatic breakup?" is not.
    • Keep up a fair balance of questions. Asking too many questions when the other person is asking none can come off as creepy too, even if none of them are too personal on their own.
  4. Avoid offering inappropriate invitations. Don't invite someone you’ve just met into your home or any other private area any more than you would your basement, a cabin in the woods, an abandoned warehouse, or another setting where horror movies take place. This kind of invitation shows that you expect someone to trust you completely, which someone you’ve just met shouldn't (unless they, too, are creepy).
    • If you're going to extend an invitation, make it to a public place where there are plenty of other people.
    • Your invitation may also come off as inappropriate if it's to an intimate event. You wouldn't ask a girl to be your date to a wedding as a first date, for example.
  5. Maintain respectful body language. Ultimately, everybody has different standards for creepiness. The only way you can figure this out on a case-by-case basis is by paying attention to signals that a person's ready to go to the next level, or you're making them feel uncomfortable. Still, there are a few basic rules to follow when it comes to not having creepy body language.
    • For example, if someone is looking away a lot, or toward an exit, or they appear to be turning or edging away from you, it's probably a sign that they want to end the conversation. It'll take some practice and attentiveness, but once you get a grip on body language, you'll start to account for it subconsciously.
    • You can scare another person away if your own body language is awkward or uncomfortable, like if you lean in way too close, or talk while spitting in the person's face.
    • Don't touch a person you've just met unless you're feeling really comfortable. Avoid reaching out to touch the person's hair or touching his/her hand when you laugh unless you're really sure you've made an intimate connection.
  6. Learn to deal with rejection (if necessary). If people continue to rebuff you despite your best efforts, you might need to take a different approach. To start, it helps to pinpoint why someone is treating you poorly. If the “problem” seems to lie with you, you might need to commit to really changing your behavior. People who get classified as creeps are often just unapologetically unique. It's easy to feel resentful towards people for labeling you as creepy just because you're not acting like everyone else. And this feeling might make you resistant towards changing your behavior.
    • Accept that people judge each other – and sometimes they're off, but that's the way it goes. It’s all you have to work with, so don't assume that changing the way you act in order to change people's perception of you is somehow violating your pledge to be yourself.
    • If anything, it increases the likelihood that people can get to know your true self, making your uniqueness shine all the brighter.
    • Be okay with being rejected. Regardless of how expertly you approach others, some people simply won’t give you the reaction you were hoping for.
    • Your conversation can't always go as expected. Maybe you’re trying to strike up a conversation with someone who is having a terrible day, is nervous, would prefer to be alone, or is simply rude. Take it in stride, turn around, and try again with someone else.

Help Meeting People

Doc:Places to Meet Girls,Great Conversation Topics,Conversation Starters

Tips

  • Even when you're not sure how to reply, the occasional "uh-huh" or nod of the head shows interest and may help relax the person you are speaking to. Just take care that you don't overdo it, or you may come across as too interested.
  • Avoid playing it too cool. There's an image presented in a lot of media, especially anime and video games, that being standoffish, mysterious, and quiet is "cool". In real life, however, it's more likely to come off as creepy.[1]
  • Don't feel that you must change the way you look or dress. Be yourself! If you can change the way you interact with people, what you look like won't matter as much. But the first time you meet someone, it probably doesn't help if you're dressed in latex or other fetish wear.
  • If you sense that you are making someone uncomfortable give them an out. Say "I would like to talk but I see that you are busy, I don't want to distract you from your work." this gives them an opportunity to either respond with, "no, you're not distracting me at all" or "thank you, I'd rather be left alone" note: if you are a woman it helps to err on the side of less friendly the first time you meet someone, women who are too friendly are usually assumed to be looking for sex, when talking to men, unless they are very old ladies.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ WellCultured.com on how not to be creepy
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