Move Beyond Facebook Envy
Are you taken in by other people's status updates on Facebook that they leave you feeling less than adequate or that you're leading a somewhat boring life by comparison? Are other people's updates telling you that some of your Facebook friends lead vibrantly exciting lives, spend huge amounts of cash and own everything you have always dreamed of?
While some of the boasting might have an air of truth to it, it's more likely that you're being subjected to severe exaggeration and it's embellishment rather than reality which is causing you to feel inadequate and unhappy. Yet, the feeling of being a loser in life's race to the top can feel uncomfortably real. The solution? Tada! Get real!
Steps
- Understand the psychology behind seeing other's lives through rose colored glasses. We tend to attribute positive experiences to others while at the same time amplifying negative impressions of our own life. In a study undertaken at Stanford University entitled "Misery has More Company Than People Think", researchers found that many of us have a tendency to over-inflate our misery without compensating for how much others around us are probably doing the same. In other words, we tend to underestimate how much other people experience negative emotions and overestimate our belief that they must be experiencing many more positive ones than ourselves. Our false perception of other's ever-positive lives is bolstered by the reality that in a social context, most people tend to conceal their negative emotions for a variety of reasons (a main reason being to smooth social interactions) and reveal a more positive side to outsiders than may be the case. This "glossing" can make it seem like other people are truly happier than our own self.
In the context of Facebook, another social milieu in which we're each "watched" by many others, the same compulsion to put forth the good, happy and fun news and to restrict sharing anything negative or depressing also exists. Indeed, there are hundreds of blog and book advisories telling social media participants to avoid ever being a Debbie Downer in the social media context for fear of losing followers or turning off friends or fans, so it's hardly surprising that status updates are going to constantly reflect a chipper attitude about life rather than revealing all the darkest within. While there is a sensible side to curtailing public broadcasting of an endless monologue of depressive thoughts, the one-sided personality of constantly fun-seeking, fun-having, totally fulfilled friends leaving their ever-so-bright updates on your wall, can soon convince you that they're all leading great lives. All this happiness misses the slip-ups, the moments of "oops" and "oh dears" that really show us to be human. And because you know yourself and spend more time ruminating on life's bumps as they pertain to you personally, it's not surprising that we're likely to be more Avoid Passing Judgement about our own life. In which case, we tend to conclude that our individual self is suffering while everyone else is having a party.- One group more willing to reveal the rockier side of their lives is teenagers. They tend to openly report failures and feelings of been down more than other age groups.
- Recognize that many of the updates are too good to be true. It can be hard to grasp that people are glossing over everything and presenting a positive front in spite of suffering the same insecurities, unhappiness and blues that you might be experiencing too. Yet this understanding is vital to undoing your own perception that Facebook updates from your Facebook friends reveal more glamorous and exciting lives than your own. Understand that just as you're apt to cover up negative feelings when leaving Facebook messages, so too are your Facebook friends and it's likely they're doing it much more frequently than it seems. Some of the possibilities to be alert to when reading your updates include:
- Fantasizing: Some people see Facebook as the easiest way possible to create a life they're not actually leading or to juicy up the one they're experiencing. To such people, suddenly all of their "friends" are a captive audience and they rationalize that nobody is actually going to check too closely on what they say they're doing/buying/wearing etc. (Although, see the following step for when it all gets a little too obvious that they're embellishing.)
- Bragging (the "exaggerators"): The need to brag can overwhelm some Facebook updaters and in giving in to this desire, the temptation to embellish increases too. Hence, a vicious cycle of someone else's bragging bravado or adventurism ends up causing you at the receiving end to feel like Cinderella in charge of the broomstick minus any pumpkin coach and impending ball.
- Narcissism: Recognize that a number of your friends are possibly Be Less Self Absorbed and great story-tellers to boot. They're good at suddenly reframing life's dull moments into "Pay attention to me! Something's happened to me again in the last hour!" It doesn't mean that they're deliberately misleading you but it does mean they have a compulsion to share, share, share, no matter how ordinary their update would be if you or someone else less narcissistic wrote it! (And this type of Facebook user starts to see life through Facebook update language, so they convince themselves that every moment becomes worthy of a Facebook update!)
- The jilted avenger: Another possibility is the jilted ex who has noticed his ex still hasn't deleted him from her Facebook friends list, who then proceeds to rub in the great life he's now leading, all in the hope of getting to her. Unfortunately, in this case all other friends are "collateral damage" by being subjected to one person's personal crusade to prove a point pretending his life is way more exciting than it is. Hopefully you'll be able to see this for what it is and not allow this to leave you feeling less important! (You might also send the jilted ex a note reminding him that the rest of the world doesn't wish to be privy to his avenging strategy.)
- Be a little cynical. Pat yourself on the back for noticing when an ultra-happy updater seems to be stretching time. In some cases, a clone would be needed to manage the updates at the same time as leading their extraordinarily eventful life, either that or they're updating as they dive out of the airplane or ride the whitewater rapids... If you see way too many good life updates from someone that imply this person is living more hours than the day has, it's probable that they're inventing a bit more of good life than they're experiencing. It's only Facebook, and you have to pity someone who feels compelled to falsify happiness through the medium of online updates.
- Take breaks from Facebook. Being connected constantly means you're a captive audience. And seeing endless amazing updates about other people's daily exploits as well as their enthusiastic energy for rounding up everyone on Facebook to visit their latest cause, their new business, or their new batch of photos of that to-die-for vacation to the nether regions of Visit Interesting Places in Malaysia can leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth and a belief that your life is going down the drain faster than you can blink. But do blink. Blink long and don't open those eyes again until you've shifted yourself right off that Facebook page. Go and do something completely unrelated to Facebook, be it online or off. Treat yourself to the good life you think other people are having. You deserve it.
- Read some comedy sites or a funny book; or watch comedy shows. Have a good laugh to help you stop feeling sorry for your lot in life.
- Donate Toys some money to people in need through an online charity. While you're there, have a good read of the needs of these people and how your money will make an enormous and good difference to their lives.
- Ask friends to stay in touch via email, the phone or face-to-face when you're not on Facebook when they see you're not about. If they don't bother, then don't be bothered; fair-weather Facebook friendships aren't going to improve your life.
- Be motivated by the status updates that goad you so much. Occasionally it's probable that you'll see an update that actually inspires you. Let it do more than that – let it inspire you to get off your backside, away from Facebook and out doing whatever it is that inspired you so much. A really good way of responding to envy is to recognize that you're envious because you want to be or do what has brought about the envy in you and then to allow yourself to be motivated by that envy to put plans in place for achieving the very same for yourself.
- Become very fussy and very choosy. Sift through the updates and only take on board that which truly impresses, uplifts and buoys you up. Life's short and you don't have time to wallow in the muck. Actively seek to find the good in what's on your wall and dismiss anything that causes you to feel a "less-than" type of person. If you find yourself turning green with envy or blue with sadness and convincing yourself that your life just doesn't match up to those updates, pinch yourself and remind yourself of the following:
- "I have a good life. If it needs more Add Excitement to Life injected into it, I'm the one responsible for that, not anyone else."
- "I don't have to read or believe what I see on Facebook."
- "I know that people embellish their updates. I know which of my friends is very good at making her mundane daily activities sound as if they're extraordinarily exciting and while I appreciate her talent for clever writing, I know she's making most of it sound a heap better than it is for real."
- "I admire people who always see the glass half full. However, I also recognize that they're often making the best of bad situations. I can gain strength from their ability to remain positive through adversity but I don't have to bring down my own life because of it."
- Strike back. Start smiling a lot more and being grateful for the good things in your life. Get yourself photographed smiling, wherever you go. Be sure to post these smiling and laughing images on Facebook. Add upbeat quotes and spread praise for people you really care about. Be a source of genuine happiness on Facebook.
- Find yourself some photos of children and kittens; they increase the cute factor and make it seem like your life is just one bunch of fluff and smiles.
Tips
- Checking out how many friends a person has when you're struck by Facebook status envy can help you sort out their real motivation and potential for exaggeration. An optimal number of Facebook friends is around 150 to 200. If they've got thousands of friends, not only is it impossible to stay connected with them all but it's possible that Facebook is like a stage for such a person and they're seeking to be in its limelight.
- Consider a shake up of your Facebook friends. Are the ones who really give you Facebook envy good friends you want to keep?
- Define your idea of success; don't allow others to define it for you, no matter how insistent and persistent their updates may be.
- Check the groups of any person who instills Facebook status envy in you. Not only might this give you a reality check when you realize they're a member of "I flip over my pillow to get to the cold side" but it might also reveal that this person has joined everything and anything going, both a sign of attention-seeking and time-sucking devotion to "The Facebook" as a dominant source of self-validation. Envy them not; rather, you may even need a dose of compassion for such a person.
- Interest lists on a person's Facebook page can help you to gain more insight into a friends' self-perception and whether or not they've been painting a picture that extends beyond reality.
- If you want to give the impression you're leading some kind of heady, consumerist wealthy lifestyle, try a few photo tricks. Head off to a champagne and truffles tasting and get photographed with a truffle as you're admiring it (you can photoshop out the store's name). Casually leave a designer label showing in a photo or two (who is ever going to know it's the only one you've ever owned and that you bought it on sale from the local thrift store). Stand by the Ferrari and get a photo of you looking as if you're about to hop into it; what's it matter that someone else is about to take it for a spin and you're just passing by? Of course, all of this smacks of giving in to the myth that expensive products a happy person make but if you keep this in the spirit of fun and eventually own up to what you're doing, it could actually serve as an important lesson to those Facebook friends of yours who do treat ownership of expensive goodies as a symbol of self-worth.
Things You'll Need
- Funny literature and shows
- Gratitude journal
- Reality checks
- Photos of your own smiles
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