Officiate at a Nondenominational Funeral Service

It is not always necessary to have an ordained minister officiate at a funeral. In the event that you are asked to officiate at a funeral or a memorial service, here is a simple way to help family and friends gain a sense of closure.

Steps

  1. Talk to the family. Call the family and arrange to meet them, preferably in their home. Meeting them in public is OK in a bind, but if that's the arrangement, try not to meet more than two to three people. If a funeral home is taking care of other arrangements, the funeral directors may have space at the funeral home where you could meet. Invite the family to have other family members and close friends present if they wish, but be sensitive to their needs and to the space considerations.
  2. Discuss plans for the service. When you meet the family, let them know what you have in mind for the service. If they have their own ideas about what they want to see done or not done, make every effort to incorporate those ideas. However, don't leave them with a lot of open-ended questions about decisions that they need to make. You are there to help guide them, not to further complicate the process.
  3. Take notes. Bring a notebook and be prepared to take many notes about the loved one that has passed away. Get as much information as you can so that you can present a story of the person's life from birth to death. Be sure to obtain the particulars such as birthday, school information, marriage, work history, children and grandchildren, and accomplishments. Pay special attention to the anecdotal memories that the family shares, especially stories that bring smiles. Ask them if there is music or any special readings that they would like to have incorporated into the service. Encourage them not to pick more than two or three songs, since those can be an emotional overload. Also let them know that you are available to read poems or letters that they've written in case they find that they can't share on the day of the service.
  4. Get family addresses and contact info. Thank the family and make arrangements to send a copy of your eulogy so that they can review it and make sure it is accurate. Obviously, sending a eulogy by e-mail is the easiest way to accomplish this, but delivering it in person or faxing it are other possibilities. Ask them if there's a gathering afterwards that they would like you to announce.
  5. Write a eulogy, using your notes. Make it positive in tone, but don't be afraid to mention less-than-happy things if they contributed to the person's life. Be sure that you read the eulogy aloud to measure the amount of time that it takes to deliver it and to make sure that you establish your rhythm. Two to three pages of written text should be sufficient.
  6. Arrive early for the service. On the day of the service, arrive at least half an hour early with the final draft of the eulogy. Be available for any last minute words or arrangements that the family may have, but give them space to grieve. This can be a very trying day for them.
  7. Conduct the service. You may want to open with one of the pieces of music that they've chosen. Then, welcome the family and open with a word of prayer or remembrance. After the prayer, read the obituary as a way to acknowledge the family members that are included in it. Deliver the eulogy. After the eulogy, invite the friends and family to come forward and share their own thoughts. This is a perfect place to insert a song to give them time to think. If, after about half a minute, no one comes forward, then make some light comment about how difficult it can be to speak at a funeral, and finish by closing the service with prayer.
  8. Stay afterwards. Make yourself available to the family and friends afterward, but unless you know the family personally, you may want to gracefully excuse yourself shortly after and give them space.

Tips

  • Depending on time, you might want to drive your own car to the cemetery instead of riding with the funeral home director. You may be able to leave much quicker, and you may need to go directly to the luncheon instead of back to the funeral home first.
  • If the funeral includes a graveside service, keep your words at the graveside very concise. A psalm and prayer might be just enough.
  • Normally, after the family has gone to their cars, the clergy member stays in the room, toward the back, while the funeral home workers close the casket to ensure that the departed loved one is treated with full respect and to assure the family that jewelry items were left in the casket, should there ever be any concerns.
  • Sometimes it's interesting to take note in the eulogy of what was going on in the world the day the person was born. Here is a handy link for that: http://www.brainyhistory.com/
  • Typically the clergy member walks in front of the casket to the hearse and in front of the casket from the hearse to the graveside.
  • Funeral home directors sometimes forget to give the honorarium to the clergy member. If this is the case, it is not inappropriate to politely remind the funeral home director (after the funeral, when you are alone with him or her) that you have not yet received your honorarium (typically in the mid-western US about $150-200). The family has already paid for it.
  • If they really enjoyed the words that you shared, you can have a copy of the eulogy printed up on nice paper for them to keep. They will really appreciate it. You should already have collected contact info for the family. Send each interested person their own copy, and don't expect grieving family members to remember to do it themselves.
  • If the family plans to burn their own CD of music to play, remind them to test it on another CD player, not a computer, before the service. Sometimes a burned CD does not play properly.
  • If you're performing the service at a funeral home, be sure to coordinate with the funeral director about any other events, like military honors, balloon releases, etc. that will take place. Give the funeral director an order of service so that it's clear when music should be played. Also, find out if there are any other services which have been scheduled after your service so that you don't monopolize the chapel if it's needed.

Warnings

  • Don't forget to get certified and licensed!

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

Retrieved from "https://kipkis.com/index.php?title=Officiate_at_a_Nondenominational_Funeral_Service&oldid=318254"