Pick Your Nose Inconspicuously
A recent poll alleges that a majority of Americans admit to picking their noses in public. Although not socially accepted, nose picking can, at times, be necessary. When something in your nose needs help finding its way out, you can be ready to respond by following one of these basic stealth techniques for public nasal manicuring.
Contents
Steps
The Thumb-Finger Method
- Position the index finger of the opposite-side hand alongside the exterior of the obstructed channel.
- Nonchalantly slip the thumb as deep as necessary into the nostril.
- Using the thumbnail, delicately clamp onto the dried mucous mass.
- Slowly withdraw the thumb and its payload from the nostril. At this step in the process be particularly vigilant for any trailing mucous which might be attached to the payload. These un-noticed "stringers" can jeopardize the entire operation.
- Return the hand to a more natural position and Do Something or Be Somewhere Discreetly and Not Get Caught execute a flicking motion with the thumb. This should launch the material sufficiently far away from you that it becomes someone else's problem.
- Remember...never wipe it on your shirt or trousers - it's always a dead giveaway.
- Always beware of flicking too hard. If the offending article sticks to the ceiling, it'll be there forever.
The Advanced Hand-Guard Method
- Slightly cup the left hand and position it so that your forefinger is below your right eye and your thumb is below your left eye. The palm will be hiding the nostrils from onlookers who will be convinced that you are rubbing your cheeks as one does when trying to ease the symptoms of a headache, or of weariness, (simultaneously closing one's eyes makes the tactic even more effective).
- In a natural, confident motion bring the right hand up and under the left hand. Use the right index finger to probe, acquire and extract the residual material. After returning the right hand to a secure location execute a flicking maneuver to eject the material.
The Athletic Nose-blow
- If you find your mineshaft quite often gets cave-ins you may find this a useful technique to clear blocked passages. This does require a bit of exercise, so if you have a condition which makes exerting yourself dangerous then you might want to steer clear of this method.
- Work yourself up to a nice sweat. This will get the blood circulating in all parts of the body including your head. Once this has been accomplished while you're running, or performing whatever exercise, have a quick glance around to make sure no one is looking, casually turn you're head out of line-of-sight, take a deep breath, close your mouth and push all the air from your lungs as well as the offending road-block in one explosive breath.
- You may be saying to yourself, "How is this inconspicuous"? This can be done both effectively and inconspicuously even if people are around under the guise of a feigned sneeze. Voila! Enjoy a nice deep breath through your newly cleared olfactory mines.
The Fake Cough
- Fake a cough slightly while bringing your hand up to your mouth (as if to cover the cough).
- Raise your index finger up to the nostril that's bothering you.
The Turnaround
- Slowly Make Excuses yourself and slowly turn around. Extract material from nose quickly and keep your hand down on your lap. Then, when you are talking to somebody and they have their full attention to your face, flick material into the world.
The Hair Wipe
- After a nosepick has been executed and there is a sign that it has occurred (mucus) casually rub nose with palm and follow through, act like you are combing hair out of your eyes with your fingers then return hand to side. After this, to remove nasal waste from hand, wipe on the back knee of pants or the cuff of your pants.
The Bathroom Visit
- We all "have to go", don't we? If you're not overly happy with picking your nose and sure don't want to even attempt doing it in public, the bathroom visit is your answer! What you're going to do in there is nobody's business! But you don't just have to go there to pick your nose in the "traditional" way... Here's a different approach:
- Simply excuse yourself and when you're in there enjoying the privacy of a locked door, lean over the sink letting a small stream of lukewarm warm water run into your nose as you use a fingertip to "wash" and soften the mucous.
- Use your finger/hand also to control the amount of water that enters your nose. You don't need much, no need to flush our your sinuses with fresh water (may sting, doing that is best with salt water and appropriate aids).
- Using fresh water in the nose only, does not sting or harm you in any way, actually it feels comfortable.
- After rinsing and softening the not-so-welcome contents of your nose, you can either gently blow into one of your hands and immediately rinse the hand with the running water OR use toilet paper/paper towel/hankie to blow and wipe your nose in the ordinary way. Voila - you have a wonderfully clean nose and nice and as a bonus, moist mucous membranes!
- If you easily get nose bleeds from picking or blowing your nose, this is a much more safe approach to cleaning your nose. If you continue washing the inside with your finger a little longer, you can easily remove the mucous with your fingertip (or a paper towel wrapped fingertip). Just be careful with your nails, you don't really need to use them when water has done the job of loosening those boogers of yours!
- Using a nose spray like Otrivin on a regular basis, is not recommended. Using the bathroom visit method every day, may help you stop using nose spray. It may help you through a cold too. Regular moistening of the mucous membranes by something as simple as tap water, may really sooth and loosen things well enough.
The Tissue Pick
- Go to the nearest tissue box and blow. If something comes out, throw that tissue away and get a new one.
- Cover your index finger with the tissue. Stick only the covered part up your nostrils. Try to cover with the rest of the tissue.
- Swivel the index finger around once in nose. Keep picking just as you do in private. Be careful not to accidentally rip the tissue, as this will reveal all and you will have to obtain another tissue.
- When you are done itching, discard the tissue and its contents. Wash your hands.
Tips
- As of today, at nearly all social levels, overt nose picking is frowned upon as improper or lacking in manners.
- Make sure you do this at a time when people are not looking directly at you. If they are, try to create some sort of diversion, like pointing out something on the other side of the room/street. If you are the center of attention, such as when speaking on live television, occupying a podium or pulpit, or doing a magic trick for a group of children, you may be out of luck.
- Drop something big enough on the ground (like a book) and bend to down pick it up. Then when you lift the object up empty your nose while placing the object in front of your face.
- If you think your activity has been detected, immediately suspend mining operations and begin to scratch your nose. This will usually convince even the nosiest (no pun intended) observer that you were merely dealing with an itch, which is not forbidden.
- If the flicking maneuver cannot be performed, stay calm and don't panic. Simply roll the extracted material between your forefinger and thumb (the famous WRB "pick n' roll"). This will cause the substance to take on a spherical shape. When you relax your finger pressure the force of gravity will irresistibly pull the mass directly to the floor where it will join all the others of its kind along with the dead skin, dust and cat hairballs. The mucous cycle is now complete.
- If you are driving a car at night, you may dispense with any pretenses. Other drivers will not be able to see you due to their focus on the road and the glare of headlights. Beware of well lit intersections and changing traffic signals - always be prepared to revert into a faux itch management posture!
- Make sure you have a booger and not a long strand of snot. It could get messy.
- Carry a hankie or tissue around - you can cover the finger, which may be more sanitary.
- Always carry a small item in your pocket that you can drop at just the necessary picking moment.
Warnings
The Athletic Nose-blow technique is not recommended as it may blow bacteria back into your sinuses.
- Never perform a visual examination of whatever it is you have extracted from your nose! This is most amateurish and is one of the most common ways of getting caught.
- Computer programmers are more likely to perform a visual inspection of the results. This is due to their training: Always check your output! If you are a computer programmer, be aware of this tendency.
- Post-operative protocol requires immediate and thorough hand-washing.
- Inserting your finger into your nose causes whatever germs you have on your finger to be passed to your mucus membranes and is one the easiest ways to catch a cold. Before putting a finger in your nose, think about what you have touched since the last time you washed your hands: doorknobs, hand rails, steering wheel, telephone. Whenever possible reach for those boogers with a tissue between your finger and the inside of your nose.
