React when Your Apology isn't Accepted
Have you recently had a serious argument, disagreement or fight with someone you care about? Have you sincerely apologised, but you aren't sure if they accepted it? If you're sure that they haven't, how should you react?
Steps
- Try to understand. Maybe the wound is still too fresh for them to think clearly enough to accept an apology. Maybe they have no interest in forgiving you and want you to live in guilt forever for what happened, in which case you need to reconcile any guilty feelings you have with the fact that you feel remorse.
- Give them space. Let them think it over, and check in with them after at least a week. This will give them time to consider their options, and to assess their feelings. Always remember that your apology might never be accepted. This will help you out if things go badly.
- Talk to them again. If they talk to you like they did before the blow-up, that's great! If they actually say 'I forgive you' or something along those lines, that's even better! But if they don't, read on.
- Don't get defensive. Do not start your next sentence with something like "Oh yeah? Well guess what!" Such words can only make a bad situation much worse.
- Assess their behaviour. If they seem cold towards you, they probably aren't happy to see you. If they're downright hostile, then they definitely haven't accepted your apology. The relationship's probably over, and you're probably in a lot of pain.
- Figure out why you haven't been forgiven. Do they hold grudges? Do they have a hard time with anger? If so, they might simply need a lot of time to forgive you.
- Is the relationship about to come to an end due to immovable events (graduation, etc?) If so, then moving on is recommended. Keeping up a friendship after such an event is hard enough, but it will be pointlessly hard if the other person isn't happy with you before the event arrives.
- Is the person arrogant, mean, or a total jerk to some people? Then move on. They aren't worth your time or friendship, and avoid people like them in the future.
- Are they acting coldly? This is probably suppressed anger, so leave them alone.
- Is there no reaction at all? They may be thinking it over, or they're politely telling you to leave them alone. Put this in context of their personality and the importance of the relationship.
- Reply simply. Politely say "I'm very sorry to hear that. I want you to know that I respect the fact that you can't forgive me. If you want to talk about this sometime in the future, I am open to that. I hope some day we can move past this." By taking the high road, you have saved your integrity as well as the possibility for a possible future reconciliation.
- Move on. Either way, they simply aren't worth it. If they're going to treat you that badly, then they probably weren't a friend in the first place.
- Make new friends. Stay away from the people they associate with, and find people that are like you in different aspects.
Tips
- If they're arrogant, cocky, mean or rude, they simply aren't worth your time. Stay away from them and people like them in the future. This will save you a lot of pain.
- Always keep in mind that you could meet again one day, and the friendship could restart. If it does, then they've forgiven (or don't remember) you. But don't trust them the way that you once did, or you'll be setting yourself up all over again.
- Be realistic of the importance of the friendship and the chances of reviving it. The only person you hurt when you're not being realistic is yourself.
- Certain emotional conditions, such as depression, can cloud your perception skills. Take this into account when you assess the importance of the relationship.
- If they are a narcissistic fake snobby unforgiving brother and cousins that acts as if you don't exist and totally ignores you than those type of people will never come around. Don't waste your time or energy with them even if you have a parent forcing you to be 'nice' to them. They are not worth your time and energy when they can't let go of a grudge especially when you have done absolutely nothing wrong and you can't figure out why they hate you. You are better than they are, stronger than they are, so do not let them get to you to pull you down at their level. Standing your ground and walking away from them with your head held high is the best thing you can do. They are not worth anything. It is their loss, not yours.
- Don't react to the apology denial with violence or insults. This will completely override the apology, and make the whole process a waste of time.
- If you want revenge, make new friends. This will show them that they aren't important to you anymore, and that people will like you for who you really are.
- If for some reason you have to share a space with them, don't acknowledge them. Leave them alone, and spend as little time with them as possible.
- Avoid all spaces where you could come into contact as much as possible.
- If it helps, pray, meditate or go to a religious congregation. (The last step isn't recommended if both of you go to the same one. Try to find a new one, if possible.)
- If they don't forgive you, think about the quality of your apology. Did you give it without them hinting for one? Was your tone of voice and body language sincere? Have you followed up your apology with right actions or an effort to change? If "no" to any of these, then they might not trust you yet.
Warnings
- If things get too heated, leave. Avoid trying to associate with them ever again.
- Don't go out of your way to become your former friend's newfound enemy or rival. Just leave them alone.
- Any rivalries that are started will be particularly nasty. And they will also delegitimize any past attempts at reconciliation.
