Recognize Abnormal Jealousy in Yourself

To some extent, jealousy is a normal part of life and relationships. Everyone has insecurities that cause feelings of jealousy. Jealousy can sometimes cross a line where it becomes abnormal and often verges on the need to control others. If you're worried about your own tendencies towards jealousy, you need to take a hard look at yourself. Question the emotional needs driving feelings of jealousy. Think about how these needs manifest in your treatment of others. If you find you match the patterns of abnormal jealousy, seek out the help of a professional therapist to work through your issues.

Steps

Evaluating Your Emotional Needs

1. Consider your need for contact and attention. If you're abnormally jealous, this may manifest itself in a high need for contact and attention. You may feel jealous of your romantic partner, worrying what he or she is doing without you. You may also feel jealous of friends and family members, worrying they don't need or want you. If you need a lot of reassurance and attention from the people in your life, your jealousy may be abnormal.
   • When people aren't around, do you text or call frequently? If your partner is out with friends, do you feel the need to check in on him or her regularly? If your friends do not text you back, do you get angry or frustrated?
   • If you don't receive contact as quickly as you would like, do you panic or become angry?
   • Healthy people may experience jealousy or feelings of insecurity when they're not receiving as much contact or attention as they want. However, abnormal jealousy is all consuming. If you panic or become angry easily due to lack of contact, you may be abnormally jealous.
2. Evaluate how much jealousy consumes your thoughts. Most people, while they may occasionally feel jealous or left out, will eventually find a way to distract themselves. The thoughts cease and they begin to relax. If you cannot shift your focus away from jealous thoughts, your feelings of jealousy may be abnormal.
   • It may be helpful to consider how much time you spend consumed with jealousy. If your jealous thoughts are taking up the bulk of your time, to the point you're not completing tasks in a timely fashion, your jealousy may be abnormal.
3. Think about your own sense of self worth. Oftentimes, abnormal jealousy is defined as the ability to feel jealous even in a healthy relationship. This type of jealousy may stem from your own issues. Think about your own self esteem.
   • Have you struggled with feelings of worthlessness in the past? Do you not feel good about yourself on most days of the week?
   • If you have feelings of insecurity, you'll be more prone to abnormal jealousy. Working on your own self esteem may help combat such negative feelings.
4. Consider your personal history. People who were loved and cared for as children tend to feel more secure in relationships. If you grew up in an atmosphere where you felt neglected or abandoned, this can drive feelings of jealousy.
   • Was your home environment as a child repressive? Were your parents or other caregivers often unreliable? If so, you may be more prone to abnormal jealousy than others.

Considering Interactions with Others

1. Examine abstract concepts that trigger jealousy. Jealousy is often abnormal when it comes in response to something abstract. For example, you may get jealous of your partner's aspirations, even before your partner achieves these goals. You may worry that your partner will abandon you or find someone better if they achieve their dreams. If you frequently get jealous over people's ambitions, or other abstract concepts, you may be experiencing abnormal jealousy.
2. Consider whether you push for premature commitments. If you're abnormally jealous, you may seek out commitment soon to quell feelings of insecurity. You may feel the need to lock a friendship or relationship down to try and combat jealousy.
   • With romantic relationships, how soon do you push for commitment? Do you want to move fast right away? Do you find yourself pushing your romantic partners to move in or make future plans early on in the relationship?
   • With friends, you may want to become best friends right away. You may want to hang out every day or text constantly, despite the fact you've just met this person. You may have difficulty accepting that it takes awhile to develop an intimate connection with someone.
3. Think about situations that make you jealous. Jealousy is normal in some situations. For example, most people would feel jealous if they saw on Facebook that a friend threw a party without inviting them. However, abnormal jealousy occurs in many situations that are innocuous and may not warrant a jealous response.
   • You may have jealous thoughts when you're having a difficult day, as this may affect your self esteem. You may also get jealous if a friend or romantic partner is away for work or a vacation without you. You may also get jealous at social events if a friend or partner is making conversation with others.
   • Due to this extreme jealousy, you may become hyper vigilant of others. This means you feel a need to monitor others behaviors to make sure you're not being forgotten or abandoned. For example, you may watch your partner talking to other people at a party. Instead of socializing yourself, you may trail your partner the entire time to make sure he or she is not flirting with others.
4. Reflect on whether your jealousy has impaired relationships. Jealousy can cause a major rift in any relationship. If you've had a lot of friends and romantic partners distance themselves from you, your jealousy may be to blame. In the past, you may have even been confronted about your jealousy.
5. Examine expectations. If you're abnormally jealous, you may have extremely high expectations of relationships. Usually, these expectations are based around the insecurity that often drives jealousy. You may feel that the relationship would feel more secure if certain expectations were met.
   • If you're dating someone, you may think that person should never be attracted to others. You may also believe you do not have anything to offer another person, which can trigger the sense your partner will leave you. You may be extremely fearful of your partner's past relationships, as you worry they're a threat to your security. You may not want your partner to be friends with his or her exes.
   • You may also feel you can force your partner to behave the way you want. If you feel neglected or abandon, you may pout or shut down emotionally. You may expect your partner to feel sorry for you and reassure you, which is not reasonable. Behaving in this way is manipulative, and will drive your partner away.

Lessening Your Own Jealousy

1. Work on letting go. If you want to address your jealousy, take steps to consciously let it go. This can be hard, at first, as abnormal jealousy is often all consuming. Jealousy is toxic to relationships. It's important you learn to manage it better.
   • When you find yourself feeling jealous, try to think to yourself, "I need to let this go." Before reacting or lashing out at another person, pause.
   • Instead of reacting, take a deep breath. It can also help to imagine the jealousy flowing through you and then being released in the air.
2. Find healthy ways to manage your emotions. People who are abnormally jealous may struggle deeply to control emotions. You may react instantly to feelings of fear or anger spurred by jealous thoughts. Work on being mindful of your emotions, and allowing yourself to experience them without reacting in a negative manner.
   • Practice mindfulness. This is where you tune into your body, taking your mind off of troublesome thoughts. When you're feeling angry or sad, pay attention to your breathing and your sensations. If you have bad thoughts coming in, acknowledge them and let them go.
   • It's okay to talk about feelings of jealousy. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to tell your partner how you feel. Wait until you calm down, however. When you've had time to think, then you can address how you feel in a respectful manner. Instead of saying something like, "Why didn't you answer my last text?" you can try something like, "I felt a little stressed when you didn't answer my last text." You should also explain any underlying issues that fuel your jealousy. For example, if you were abandoned by a parent as a child, this may contribute to feelings of jealousy in the present. The more of your history your partner understands, the more patient he or she will be with you.
3. See a therapist. If you're experiencing abnormal jealousy, it's important to see a therapist to work on ways to manage. Jealousy can damage relationships over time, so it needs to be curbed if you want to live a healthy and happy life. A qualified therapist can help you work through the issues driving your jealousy and help you find healthier ways to cope.
   • You can find a therapist by asking your regular doctor for a referral. You can also go through your insurance provider by finding a list of therapists covered in your network.
   • If you are a college student, you may be entitled to free counseling through your university.
4. Look into your underlying fears. What causes your jealousy? Sometimes, you can better address irrational thoughts by understanding their cause.
   • When you're feeling jealous, ask yourself why. Are you worried your partner will leave you? Have you been cheated on or abandon in past relationships? If so, this may be why you feel jealous easily. Try to understand that is not rational, and your current relationship is different than past experiences.
   • Identify moments where you're most likely to get jealous. For example, you may respond with jealousy going into a social situation. If this is the case, try to prep yourself ahead of time. Remind yourself about the root causes of your jealousy. This can help you see how jealousy is irrational.
5. Avoid acting on jealous feelings. While you may not be able to completely control your emotions, you can control your actions. If you're feeling jealous, try not to react. For example, your partner may be busy at a social event and he or she may not have time to text you back. Do not react by calling and texting incessantly. Instead, do something to distract yourself.
   • It can be very difficult to control your actions at first, especially if you're a chronically jealous person. This is where seeing a therapist can help. A therapist can help you manage your emotions so they do not affect your actions.

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