Recognize Games in a Relationship

A healthy relationship does not depend on lies, tricks, guilty secrets, dramatics, or any of the other "games" that we see on TV, in the movies, and unfortunately, in our own lives. Our children begin in grade school and perfect them by adulthood. Here is a guide that will help you recognize them and hopefully stop the madness!

Steps

  1. Define "Relationship"
    • We interact daily with family, co-workers, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, and spouses. Every one of these are relationships. Who wouldn't want them to be as pleasant, meaningful, and stress-free as possible? But too often we short-change ourselves and those who mean the most to us.
  2. Define the steps to forming a relationship
    • Getting to know you
      • This includes everything from striking up a conversation to flirting. And yes, Virginia, flirting can be done in a healthy manner.
    • Gaining Trust/Forming Attachments
      • We all have norms of behavior that form the expectations others have of us. We learn more about each other and become more familiar with each other.
    • Deepening/Cementing Feelings
      • The longer we interact, the closer we become. It becomes, simultaneously and wondrously, a strength and a vulnerability that is shared by both.
  3. Define the "Games"
    • So many of us take these games for granted that we don't even recognize them for what they are. We even teach them to our kids who start early to expect any relationship to contain them.
    • The Pretender
      • This is the poor start of many relationships. Whether from nervousness or from insecurity, this is the person who tries to be someone else to gain the attention of the other person.
    • Trick or Treat
      • This is also often the beginning of relationships.
        • A girl trying to make a boy jealous so that he will see what a shining star she really is. Huh?
        • A man tells his wife his paycheck is less that it really is. Classy.
        • A friend tells three different friends "You're my best friend". Ouch!
          • These almost always come around to bite your behind. Usually doesn't take long either, but because they are less work than actually forming a bond with someone these tricks are often attractive.
      • Playing the Field
        • This is the syndrome wherein one or both people in a relationships think that they want two or more different things at the same time. For instance:
        • A guy really likes a girl for her personality, but thinks he ought to be chasing after the prom queen.
        • Lisa really likes Jill, but thinks that Denise will get her __________ (fill-in-the-blank - a better job, into the in-clique, etc.). Oh yes, and Denise doesn't like Jill, so...
    • Playing "Mommy Against Daddy"
      • Children know how to do this instinctively. The problem arises when we teach the kids (or each other) that it really works. And some of us never grow out of it! Does the term "two-faced" ring a bell?
    • The Little White Lie
      • You know...
        • "Oh, it's not important; it really doesn't matter." <sigh>
        • "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
        • "She really wouldn't mind if she knew, but why take the chance."
      • The reality is, deceit is color-blind and there is nothing little about a lie; lies take on a life of their own and never get smaller, only larger.
    • The Guilt Trip
      • Everybody makes mistakes, but some people want to collect the price over and over again, or take hostages for later. Sort of like a Do Well at the Limbo dance with feelings. How low can you go?
    • Paybacks or the "You hurt me, so I'll hurt you phenomenon."
      • People can play this one for years until it becomes a habit. And to survive, often the other will resort to doing the same thing. This is one of the most vicious circles there is.
    • The Name Game or "Let's call it anything other than what it is."
      • For instance:
        • "It's not a lie, it's a fib. Well, we already covered that one, didn't we?
        • "It's not really cheating because I never really said I was going steady." Oh, really.
        • It's not love, it's affection.
          • Okay, love is a four letter word, but it's not slimy or dirty. It's grand! Don't cheat yourself, or anyone else, out of it. (War is huge, is only a three letter word, and you don't hear people going around calling it a tussle!)
      • Oh, goody, a relationship with a price-tag. Trickery at it's worst! This is where:
        • The teen-age girl is convinced she has to give sex for love.
        • The co-worker/student/friend who is granted privileges for Stop Being a Snitch on others.
        • The husband is trained that he only gets nooky (there's that Name Game again) in return for his fidelity.
      • If you need that kind of control to assure fidelity, you're already in trouble.
    • The Rumor Mill
      • "Did you know that Jenny told me that Gina told her that Mike told Craig that..." Nothing is more damaging to any relationship than this. Stop rumors cold. Whether it's about you or someone else, hold up a hand and say "I'm sorry, I don't need to hear this." This is one time when good manners require that you interrupt someone who is speaking. If it's about you, go to the source (generally your friend/lover/spouse, etc.) and get the real information and deal with it.

Steps to Stop the Madness

  1. Be yourself.
    • You are a worthwhile person and if someone else can't see that, s/he is not worth your love and devotion.
  2. Be honest.
    • Careful, this one's tricky! Everyone lies, makes mistakes, and has poor judgment at times. But honest people own up to it and try to fix the damage done. You can't do a very good job of being honest to your loved ones, co-workers, etc. if you aren't honest with yourself first. We tend to shy away from being honest with ourselves for two reasons: It's not always pretty and we usually are harsher with ourselves than with anyone else.
  3. Be clear about what the expectations are.
    • When you commit to someone, (and yes, the rumors are true, a relationship is a commitment!) you need to know the boundaries. Are we friends? Are we lovers? Getting married? Living together?
  4. Give each other permission to make mistakes.
    • No one wants to admit their mistakes if they are forever held accountable for them. Forgive and move on. Notice that it does not say forget. Remembering mistakes helps prevent us from making the same ones again.
  5. Learn to give and to receive.
    • The old saying has it all wrong. You can't know the joy of giving if you don't have joy in receiving as well. It's not selfish and it's not shameful.
  6. Make it clear: No Strings Attached.
    • This does not mean that we don't have expectations from our relationships or of each other; what it does mean is that we don't hold each other hostage to get what we want.
  7. Understand we all have yearnings and desires.
    • At some point, you should have a heart to heart with your friend/betrothed/lover/spouse to learn what these are for each of you and how they should be dealt with. (again, here, it's time to be honest)
      • What if she needs to be alone from time to time?
      • What if he finds he is attracted to a girl at work?
      • What if she finds that she's attracted to a girl at work?
      • What if she wants to travel and he doesn't?
      • What if <gasp> he's a Brown's fan and she's for the Steelers!
    • These real life situations will fail to threaten a truly healthy relationship because two caring people will have already acknowledged that they can happen, instead of pretending they don't and being shocked and hurt when they do!

Tips

  • If you're in a troubled relationship, let this be an affirmation that you control your destiny and can change things if you want to badly enough. If you can't do it on your own, there are people out there who can help you to do so. You are worth getting some help.
  • If you're just starting out in a relationship, let this be a guidebook, not a straight-jacket.
  • If you're already in a healthy relationship, rejoice! But then you probably already are.

Warnings

  • See all of those above.

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