Reject a Marriage Proposal

The fairytale suggests that "yes, oh, yes!" is the only answer ever given to a proposal of marriage. But sometimes, marriage is not a good choice. There are many good reasons for rejecting a proposal: uncertainty that this is a solid marriage partner, not really knowing one another well enough, wondering if the person asking really means it, or that it is the timing is right. When it comes to a life decision, never say "yes" when you should say "no"; an honest response allows you both to make the best decision about the future.

Steps

Deflecting an Upcoming Proposal

  1. Be clear on why you do not want to get married. It is perfectly OK to have a "gut feeling" that the marriage would not be successful and simply go on that. However, it is even better to be clear to yourself what your concerns are. If you're simply nervous about making such a big commitment (which is not uncommon) try reading the advice in How to overcome the fear of marriage. If you're concerned that you and your mate are not compatible in some way, it's important to address your worries as soon as possible, long before your partner gets down on their knee. Think about these aspects of the relationship in advance so you're prepared to have a serious conversation:
    • Does the relationship feel serious and permanent to you, or more lighthearted or temporary? If the other person takes it much more seriously than you do, it could be difficult to find a path together.
    • Is this a time in life where marriage would derail the path that you've set in mind for yourself? Could you see yourself marrying your partner at a later date?
    • Do you have strong opinions about marriage in general? Would you rather live together unmarried, or live separately even in a committed, loving relationship?
    • Do you have concerns about your partner's approach to having children, running a household, financial habits, career goals, or other "big picture" items that would make marriage or cohabitation difficult?
    • Do you have other concerns about your partner or your relationship that are relevant whether or not your get married? These should be discussed as soon as possible, even if marriage is off the table.
  2. Do not play along with the hints. In an ideal world, the topic of marriage would come up without mind games. However, since this is an emotional issue many people will test the waters before they propose. This may come in jokes, veiled comments, or other subtle "hints". If your significant other raises the issue of marriage, even casually, make your position clear but polite. Or call him or her out to clarify.
    • For example, if your partner comments while house-hunting: "This house would be perfect for a married couple," hint back with another option: "Or for an unmarried couple too."
    • Or, be more direct: "Honey, you keep making comments about married couples and such. Are you trying to tell me something? I'd rather you be direct with me instead of making confusing comments."
  3. Head him or her off before the proposal. Asking a person to have his or her hand in marriage comes with a lot of emotional weight. This may happen in public, such as a restaurant, an athletic stadium, your family's Christmas dinner, or some cleverly elaborate choreographed manner. And to have to turn a person down after all that dramatic build up can be humiliating for the person proposing. If the hints start coming thick and strong, or you discover a ring hidden somewhere, try have a discussion before the proposal happens.
    • Remember that the purpose of this discussion is information. You should each find out what the other person thinks, not try to persuade them into changing their mind.[1]
    • If your partner cannot set the topic aside, or you cannot agree on a short-term path forward, visit a relationship counselor for advice. Or you may have to part ways.
  4. Deflect pressure from other people. Sometimes it can feel like parents, friends, or even complete strangers are eager to whip out a marriage license and hand you a bouquet of flowers. In the end, your decision is not their business, and you do not owe them anything more than basic politeness when deflecting these questions or suggestions:
    • A polite "We don't have any plans right now" is a good first step, or "I'll let you know whenever something changes".
    • Humor can help relieve tension among family members and close friends who are constantly pressuring you: "I hear they're inventing a new color wedding dress, I'm going to wait a few years for it to hit the market."
    • Try acting stiff if strangers or acquaintances do not take the hint: "Our relationship is fine, thanks for your concern."
  5. Consider the future. If you and your partner have both gotten through the conversation (perhaps with help from a counselor), you've bought yourself some time. This is often exactly what you need, but use this time wisely. If it's just a question of reevaluating after finishing your education, you may be content just to see what happens. If you have doubts about the relationship itself, think carefully about Know-When-to-Break-Up, continue to discuss issues with your partner, and seek advice from a relationship counselor if necessary, or from non-judgmental friends who are in healthy relationships and who won't spread gossip.[2]
    • If there are life events that would seriously pressure you to get married, spend time planning for this in advance. Some events you can do your best to avoid, such as pregnancy, while others you cannot control, such as a terminal illness in the family. Seeking advice and support is especially important in these situations, when you feel pressured to make a decision under stress.
      • Do not make decisions because of another family member. Yes, Grandma would love to see you get married before she dies. But she does not have to live with the consequences of marrying the wrong person, at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons. And imagine how bad she would feel, knowing the reason for your (likely) divorce, was because she pressured you into the marriage.
      • An out-of-wedlock and/or accidental pregnancy can be problematic. But getting married for the sake of the baby often ends poorly, too.[3]

Rejecting a Proposal

  1. Don't mislead with your body language. Try not to smile when proposed to, or at least not to beam and look excited. If your mate has gone as far as to pop the question, they are assuming you will say yes, and your smiling will only confirm their hopefulness, which will make the shock of your rejection greater. Look in your partner's eyes tenderly, put your hand over theirs, and give your response in a gentle voice.
  2. Handle a public proposal. If you are in public when proposed to, ask your suitor to stand up (if necessary), and give them a gentle hug. This is a way to acknowledge that you're touched by your partner's gesture, without saying yes. Hopefully, it is enough to make anyone who's watching lose interest and go back to doing whatever they were doing, which will help ease any embarrassment for your mate.
    • If people are still watching, take your partner by the hand and quietly ask to go somewhere more private.
    • Never say yes just to get out of the situation so you can give your real response later. This will just make the later rejection more painful.
  3. Stay positive but honest. This guide assumes you like the person proposing; if your ex from three years ago leaps out of the bushes holding a ring, "say no and get out of there" is all the advice you need. But if the suitor has reason to be hopeful, it's best to break the news gently, without being misleading. Say something appreciative, but keep it short so you can get to your response:
    • "That's such a moving request. I need time to think about it; it's not something I'd feel right saying yes to straight away. It's a bit of a surprise for me - would you mind if I take some time to think it over?"
    • "Thanks, that's incredibly wonderful of you but I have so many questions that I've yet to ask you that I'm not sure of our future compatibility yet. Maybe this is a good time for us to sit down and talk about what spending a life together would look like."
    • "I love you for asking that, but I don't plan on getting married (for a while / ever). We could move in together instead?"
    • "I'm honored that you've proposed to me. You're a kind, caring (man / woman). I wish I could say otherwise, but I can't see our marriage working out, and I have to say no."
  4. Respond to their unhappiness and confusion. It's likely that the person proposing has put in a lot of effort to asking, thinking through the depths of why they want to spend the rest of their life with you. Letting down their unhappiness gently isn't going to be easy, but there are ways you can help the process:
    • Give each other space if either of you feels angry or too upset to talk. Let your partner know you'll be contacting them soon (preferably the same day or next morning), but give them time to think until then.
    • Suggest the two of you do something you both love doing. If your partner wants affection from you, spend the rest of the day together doing something that keeps your occupied. This will serve as a distraction and it will help the other person realize that you still care.
  5. Explain your feelings. In private, and once neither of you are actively upset at each other, explain at length what the situation is. Emphasize that your relationship still matters a great deal to you. Describe exactly why you're not prepared to accept. Don't let the other person think it's because they're not good enough.
    • If you have doubts about the relationship itself, not just marriage, be honest about this. It may not be the best time to air your grievances, but let your partner know that there are problems to discuss once you've both calmed down.
  6. Consider the way forward. Things can get really awkward from this point, or they can pick up as usual with good, caring approaches to continuing to nurture your love and relationship. If the proposer is able to accept your position (whether that's an alternative to marriage or delaying the decision for now), then the relationship will likely remain strong and forge on. On the other hand, if this rejection opens a rift in your relationship and causes suspicion, anger, resentment, or discomfort, it may be time to reassess the purpose of staying together. Unless it's clear that the relationship has ended, take a few weeks to sort through the post-proposal emotions before making a drastic decision.
  7. Avoid making conditional agreements. Telling your partner that you'll say "yes, if..." is not about love or reasonable compromise. You may end up in the same situation a year from now, full of resentment that you backed yourself in a corner. Instead, ask for more time to work out what it is that makes you want to reply conditionally. Most likely your real answer is "no," and you should only alter this answer if you have a genuine change of heart.

Tips

  • If the proposal is an off-the-cuff comment, with no advance preparation, you can give a more light-hearted response, such as "I think you need to work on your timing" or "It's a little early to be thinking about that."
  • The ring is no reason to say yes! It's the person proposing you're saying yes to, not the ring.
  • Accept that the emotions are running high. It takes guts to ask, and to reject. In accepting that this is a very emotional situation, you are giving yourself the right to feel confusion, awkwardness, and uncertainty.
  • An alternative solution would be to just say no directly.

Warnings

  • Avoid cracking jokes or being witty. This is a solemn, fragile moment of deep vulnerability and jokes or witty remarks can sting. If you must use humor, be sure to focus it on yourself only.
  • If you know this isn't the person you want to spend your life with, don't keep them hanging on to false hopes or vague comments that could be interpreted in many ways. It is kinder to make your opinion clear.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.startmarriageright.com/2010/10/the-m-word/
  2. ↑ http://www.professional-counselling.com/relationship-advice.html
  3. ↑ http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/01/wedding-planning-in-face-of-serious/
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