Know the Right Age to Get Married

In reality, there is no "right" age to get married; age is just a number. It takes maturity and the proper relationship to feel like you are ready to commit your life to someone else. You may feel like your age is the most important factor to getting married, but this couldn't be further from the truth. When you're looking for a partner, it's important to be mentally healthy and to check for signs within your relationship that help you identify when you might be ready for marriage.

Steps

Learning About Yourself

  1. Identify your personal values. A mature individual knows herself and what she believes in. Before getting married, it's important to know what you value and if you're being completely honest with yourself.
    • Have a healthy self esteem. By knowing you're worthy of love, you set the bar high on how you'll be treated by your partner. When you have low self esteem, it may allow you to accept unacceptable behavior while preventing you from enjoying a healthy relationship.[1]
    • When you're insecure, you can be irritable, have poor communication and use impaired judgement in your work and personal life. In order to attract confident and healthy partners, you must have self-confidence.
    • Know what is important to you. Ask yourself what values you have. If you're a family person, you may want many children and regular family outings. Perhaps you are more career-driven so you may need to skip children all together or wait until later in life to re-evaluate if you want a family. Maybe you are quite religious and need someone of the same faith. Search within yourself and decide what makes you the person you are.
  2. Be honest with yourself about your shortcomings. Self-reflection is important in all stages of personal relationships. If you are unable to be honest with yourself, you can't expect to be honest with another individual. Set aside some personal time to think. When you're alone, consider what you could work on.
    • Some individuals may have difficulty communicating. If this is you, think about circumstances when you were unable to effectively communicate your feelings or be honest with yourself. Try to be observant of these situations and the points in which you shut off or close down.
    • Negativity or being too hard on yourself can be difficult to associate with. Imagine yourself with a partner who is unable to accept praise and is generally an unhappy person. Consider why you flee to negative emotions and try to remember there is more than one perspective.[2]
  3. Make a relationship check-list. After you know yourself, you can contemplate what you need out of a relationship in order to move onto marriage. Keep it simple and examine what you value in your friends, family and past relationships. Create a list of what you look for in a partner that consists of must-have, maybes, and absolutley-nots.[3]
    • Your list should be ever-evolving. You should always grow and change as a person, especially while young so your list should reflect that. Don't be afraid to edit your list after a poorly-ended relationship.
    • When listing your must-haves, look for common denominators within your life. If all your friends have a sense of humor, it may be an important thing to look for; in contrast, if you prefer to be more serious perhaps you should find a person able to hold more involved conversations. Make your list how you want it. After all, it is yours and yours alone.
    • When you have an easy go-to list you can easily look for a marriage-worthy partner. Knowing what you want before hand will help keep you on the right track while keeping your standards high.

Exploring your Relationship

  1. Determine that you can trust your partner. Trust is one of the foundations of a healthy relationship.[4] It's important to trust your partner to avoid a constant feeling of paranoia. If you're always worrying about the feeling of oncoming doom then you can't focus positive energy into your relationship. In order to keep trust strong, keep your expectations clear.
    • Everyone is allowed their own standards. Perhaps you need your partner to check in at the end of the night. If this is the case, let them know before they make the mistake of not checking in. If you're clear with your expectations, they can be fulfilled. Learn to manage expectations as an unfulfilled expectation can be easily misread as a breach of trust.
    • Trust is easy to lose and difficult to regain. Once that bond is broken, it can be a long and slow road to repair. Be proactive when addressing your doubts and insecurities about your relationship.
    • Don't be a snoop. You are entitled to your privacy and so is he. If you're doubting your relationship it's better to communicate with him rather than spy. Snooping can reveal private conversations that can be taken the wrong way. Sarcasm and jest don't translate well over text.
  2. Communicate efficiently and effectively. Talking to your partner inappropriately can be a kiss of death to your relationship. When communicating, speak up and tell your likes and dislikes honestly.[5] Always treat your partner as you want to be treated. Keep calm and be civil.
    • If you struggle keeping your cool, remember that this is your partner and teammate, not your enemy. Your partner should always want the best for you and it can be relaxing to remember this notion in the middle of an argument.
    • Fight fair or not at all. Give your partner opportunities to explain themselves rather than assuming you know what they are thinking. If you receive an apology, do your best to let go of a grudge. When you're unable to let go of a situation, it's okay to talk about it repeatedly in a calm manner.[6]
  3. Respect your partner. You should always treat your partner as you want to be treated. Whether it's during a grumpy moment or in the middle of a fight, ensure that you choose your words carefully and keep things civil.
    • Be on the same page about family and friends. Flaws or cracks in the relationship will show if you're going behind each others back. This can be especially stressful when confronted with issues brought up by friends or family members that you have already discussed with each other. For example, your friend may want to stay out late drinking when you have explicitly agreed with him to be home before 10pm. It's best to check in with your partner if there is any doubt on what to do.
    • Have a mutual respect when disagreeing.[7] Your partner is his own person and is allowed to have his own opinions. A sign of a healthy relationship is being able to display a mutual respect when disagreeing, rather than trying control him or force your values onto him.

Putting your Relationship to the Test

  1. Try your hand at living together. When living together, small problems can easily escalate if not properly addressed. Before taking a permanent step like marriage, work on the life you have together and discuss what hurdles you foresee and come up with a plan of attack together. A great way to explore your compatibility is by living together, sharing finances, or sticking to a budget.
    • Check your desired lifestyles. Many couples argue about money.[8] First, determine how you will divide up all the bills. Next, make a mock-budget and try to stick to it. Discuss what kinds of financial goals are important. Perhaps you want to buy a house but he wants to have a nice car. It's important to identify these differences before it's too late.
    • Look at the levels of cleanliness you find acceptable. For example, you may rub your partner the wrong way if you're a neat freak and they can go a few days without doing the dishes. A chore chart is a convenient way to compromise if you find yourself interested in an individual with opposite living habits.
    • Analyze your day-to-day schedules. If your potential life partner likes to stay up late and sleep all day, ask yourself if you're okay with that. Be able to recognize you can spend time apart but, more importantly, understand how much time you need together to have a happy life.
  2. Match up your desired life goals. Before getting married, it's important to recognize what life goals you share. Talk about the timeline included with these goals such as having children, career expectations, location and if you want to have children.
    • Many life goals are viewed as interrelated. For example, if you have a career you love but you also want to have children, it's important to recognize the timeline you desire. Perhaps you want to keep moving forward in your career while having children in the next five years. You'd like your spouse to take paternity leave so you can miss minimal time at work. Communicating your desires and managing expectations are key.
    • Remember that it's okay to end a relationship if your values don't match. If you want children and your potential spouse doesn't, don't try to change his mind. Explain your point of view and if you can't agree, don't feel bad about moving on. However, don't let go of an otherwise happy relationship right away. Try to re-evaluate your stance together in six months or even a year to see if you both still feel the same. If so, move along and keep optimistic that there is someone for you.
    • Have a plan in place. Whether or not you want to get married right now, you'll need the bank account to do it. For example, saving up for that dream dress or expensive venue can give you the time needed to evaluate how you want to begin your lives together and how well you work together in making your plans come to fruition.
  3. Provide compromise. Marriage is all about compromise; it's about the two of you. Sometimes you will have to let go of what you desire in order to satisfy your partner. If you can't do that immediately then you aren't prepared to do it for the rest of your life. Compromise is a secret to a long lasting and happy marriage.[9]
    • Don't be resentful about compromise. The day you are on the receiving end of the compromise you'll be glad. You won't be happy if your partner has anger and resentment towards you over it. See your compromise from all ends of the spectrum.
    • Listen to a different perspective. If you're ready to marry the person you're with, you'll automatically value his opinion. Being able to respectfully listen to what he says will make finding a compromise an easy process.
  4. Go to premarital counseling. Premarital counseling can help push your relationship through awkward growing pains and move ahead to a successful marriage. Carefully organized and driven, a counseling plan will help address many important aspects such as parenting, finances, religious beliefs and decision-making.[10] Don't let any preconceived notions sully premarital counseling as only for religious couples. Many licensed and qualified therapists offer private counseling catered to your lifestyles.[10]
    • Talk about divorce. While often thought of as a faux pas, divorce is an important concept to discuss with your partner. For example, if your partner sees divorce as a readily-available option while you would rather exhaust all other venues, perhaps you aren't a good match. The reality is that divorce exists and discussing your feelings on it is the first step to figuring out why couples get divorced and how to avoid it.
  5. Don't rush your relationship. Marriage is not only a life-long commitment, but a joining of families, income, debt and lives. It isn't a topic to be taken lightly. If you're in a new relationship, a fresh college grad, or still learning about yourself, consider why you want to be married to your partner. It's acceptable to regularly discuss marriage as a topic with your partner to match up your beliefs, but once it's executed there is no turning back. Slow down and enjoy your lives together; you have plenty of time to get married.
    • Set the standard for your friends and family by not allowing yourself to be pushed into marriage. Marriage is a commitment between you and your partner. Don't allow overbearing family to strong-arm you into getting married. When you're ready, you can choose for yourself based on your partner's and your beliefs. If you feel like you're being coerced or forced into marriage, call your local police department and ask for help.[11]

Tips

  • Don't hesitate to take a step back. If you jump in too fast, it's alright to step back and re-evaluate your relationship.
  • Nobody can tell you when you're ready for marriage, but you can ask your close friends and family members for their opinions. Be cautious about moving forward in any relationship when the people you value are hesitant to give their approval.
  • Emotions are complex and may be prudent to see a professional to help with any difficult issues or assuage insecurity.
  • Be money-conscious. Getting married will change your tax situation. Consult a professional to understand how your taxes will be effected to avoid owing money.

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20047976?pg=2
  2. ↑ http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/the-5-secrets-of-happiness-improve-your-relationsh.html
  3. ↑ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/top-10-things-eharmony-users-must-have-and-cant-stand-in-a-relationship-partner/#.VdKgMItjo20
  4. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/gg_live/science_meaningful_life_videos/speaker/john_gottman/the_importance_of_trust/
  5. ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/
  6. ↑ https://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/relationships/relatn.html
  7. ↑ http://youngwomenshealth.org/2011/06/02/healthy-relationships/
  8. ↑ http://www.businessinsider.com/budgeting-slideshow-2012-1?op=1
  9. ↑ http://www.canadianliving.com/relationships/love_and_romance/6_must_haves_for_a_happy_healthy_relationship_2.php
  10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/premarital-counseling/basics/why-its-done/prc-20013242
  11. ↑ http://www.ag.gov.au/CrimeAndCorruption/HumanTrafficking/Pages/ForcedMarriage.aspx

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