Respond to Rejection

Rejection is part of life. Everyone is rejected at one point, no matter what they're trying to pursue. Part of life is learning to respond to rejection in a way that is productive and non-detrimental to your wellbeing. You need to cope in the aftermath of the rejection, care for yourself, and move forward in a positive fashion.

Steps

Coping Directly After Rejection

  1. Try not to catastrophize the situation. Most people do not respond well to rejection and tend to immediately personalize it. This can lead to catastrophic thinking. For example, "I did not get this job, therefore I will never get a job." Try avoiding such thought patterns in the immediate aftermath of rejection.
    • A single rejection, even several rejections, is not an adequate reflection of your entire self or your worth. If a person or organization rejected you, it has no bearing on what happens in the future. You can still find acceptance somewhere else.[1]
    • People often take rejection as an opportunity to become self-critical. For example, "This person does not want to date me, and therefore I'm un-dateable," or, "This publishing house did not like my book, therefore I'm a bad writer." While it can be healthy and productive to examine the things you could have done better, understand that it's hard to be objective about yourself in the immediate aftermath of being rejected. Remind yourself that many other people have faced rejection. Think about a recently married friend who went through a series of bad breakups before finding a good match. Consider how many famous authors, such as J.K. Rowling, were continually rejected before finding the right publishing house. Try to see rejection as a sign of progress. Every bad experience leads you closer to success.[1]
  2. View rejection as an opportunity to grow. Rejection is all about perspective. Your personal reaction dictates how meaningful the experience will be. See rejection as an opportunity to learn and grow rather than a setback. When you've calmed down, consider if you could have done something differently. Did you prepare enough for that job interview? Did you spend enough time on the story before sending it out? While action on your part might not necessarily be why you were rejected, you can still gain insight through the self-examination that rejection forces you to undergo.[1]
    • If everything always worked out in your favor, you'd have little opportunity to grow and change. Rejection gives you a chance to reflect on yourself and your situation and pushes you to work harder. Those who don't face rejection suffer from a lack of personal development.[2]
    • In examining the situation without blaming or judging yourself, you have the opportunity to examine and learn about all the factors that went into the situation, even the ones you can't control. It gives you the chance to learn more about the outside factors that influence situations, and to prepare psychologically and emotionally for those influences in the future.
    • For example, if you went through two rounds of interviews for a job and the company went with someone else, you can acknowledge the fact that there are many factors outside of your control in this situation, and perhaps they felt that one of the other candidates was a better fit for the job.
    • While working on your own skills is always a great idea, rejection becomes easier to cope with if you get into the habit of acknowledging there are countless outside factors you can't control. Taking all the blame onto yourself is not a realistic point of view. Widening your vision to accept all the other influences helps you avoid blaming yourself, which is not a healthy way to cope with rejection.
  3. Understand rejection is usually not a reflection of you. The vast majority of the time, a rejection is not a reflection of you. Many qualified, talented, and attractive people are turned down for reasons that have nothing to do with them personally. Sometimes someone simply isn't attracted to you, or they have personal issues that prevent them from starting a relationship. Sometimes a story or poem you wrote really isn't right for a particular publication. Sometimes there were too many candidates applying for a single job. Chances are, if you get rejected, it's not a direct reflection of your talent or worth.[3]

Caring For Yourself

  1. Be kind to yourself. In the wake of a rejection, you need to be kind to yourself. Avoid beating yourself up after rejection. Take some time to reaffirm your self worth.
    • Remind yourself it's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to experience setbacks and make the occasional mistake. In fact, this is a normal part of life.[1]
    • Make a list of your existing accomplishments. Things like your education, job, career success, and personal success like relationships with friends and family members are achievements to be proud of. You have probably accomplished a great deal.[1]
    • Try imagining someone else, like a friend, is experiencing the same kind of rejection. What would you tell that friend? Sometimes, externalizing a situation can help you see it objectively.
  2. Familiarize yourself with the irrationality of rejection. Rejection is an incredibly irrational process. Understanding the feelings you experience after being rejected are not necessarily based on reality.
    • Rejection does not always respond to reason. A psychological study was conducted in which participants were rejected by a stranger. Even after being told the rejection was part of a set up, participants still felt down about being rejected. In another study, participants were told the actors who rejected them were part of abhorrent groups like the KKK. Surprisingly, this did nothing to lessen the sting of rejection.[4]
    • What the above study shows is that it's hard to disengage with rejection, even if you know the reasons you were rejected were insignificant. Understand that you may be sad for a while and may not be able to be talked out of that emotion. Try to handle the sadness by distracting yourself and letting it play out.[5]
  3. Identify your emotions accurately. If you're deeply personalizing a rejection, there may be something else at play. Emotions can drive thoughts. If you're feeling bad about yourself for other reasons, you may respond particularly poorly to a rejection.
    • Underlying psychological disorders, like depression and anxiety, can drive negative thoughts about oneself. Symptoms of these disorders include frequent troublesome thoughts, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, and persistent feelings of sadness and anxiety. If you feel you may be suffering from depression or anxiety, talk to a psychiatrist.[1]
    • Chronic low self esteem can also manifest in an inability to handle rejection. There may be reasons you feel bad about yourself that you can change. Seeing a therapist can help you work through your self esteem and find away to feel better overall.[1]

Moving Forward

  1. Practice getting rejected. It sounds strange, but responding well to rejection takes practice. It can actually be psychologically beneficial to enter contests or apply for jobs where you know rejection is likely, if not certain. This can actually help numb your response to rejection over time. Think of a strategy of how to respond to rejection beforehand and then begin engaging in low stakes events and competitions where you know rejection is likely.
  2. Learn the chances of success before attempting a task. Preparing for rejection helps lessen the sting. Before engaging in a particular event, know what the chances are that you'll be successful. For example, a study shows that only 2% of resumes are looked at for any given job application. Understanding you might not get a callback going in can lessen the rejection down the road.[3]
  3. Pursue multiple things at once. One of the best ways to handle rejection is to pursue many things at once. Submit a story to multiple journals, as long as their website does not forbid simultaneous submissions. If that's the case, try sending out multiple stories at once. Apply to hundreds of jobs. If you're trying to find a romantic relationship, go on dates with many different people. Having a lot of things going on can keep you from focusing on a single rejection. It also increases the likelihood of eventual success.[3]
  4. Spend time with people who appreciate you. If you're feeling rejected, spending time with those who care about you can help. Spend a night with friends or family members who are encouraging of you and your pursuits. This will remind you of your self worth and that you are not universally rejected as your friends will be excited to spend time with you.

Tips

  • Talk to others about their experience being rejected. Knowing you're not alone can help.

Related Articles

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  • Avoid Being Picked Out in a Crowd
  • Be Known and Respected
  • Tell Someone That They're Your Hero

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 1.6 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/19/7-tips-to-avoid-personalizing-rejection/
  2. ↑ http://www.psychologyineverydaylife.net/2013/03/17/rejection-sensitivity-three-ways-to-toughen-up/
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201308/how-cope-rejection
  4. ↑ http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection.aspx
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection
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