Spot Childhood Emotional Neglect in a Loved One

Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is a dangerous condition. It involves not giving children the emotional support and attention they need. They are often ignored, pushed away, and teased by their parents. As such, they grow up feeling unloved and incomplete and are unsure why. What is dangerous is that they often show the same treatment to their own children, causing a cycle of abuse. People with CEN are difficult to maintain relationships with and are often emotionally abusive to others. You may be able to determine if your loved is a victim of childhood emotional neglect by watching their romantic relationships, monitoring them as parents, and watching their general behavior.

Steps

Observing Their Romantic Relationships

1. Look for signs of withdrawal. Adults who don’t receive the type of emotional support they need growing up are often withdrawn when it comes to romantic relationships. They shy away from intimate relationships because they are unsure of how to show affection, likely because they weren’t shown the affection they needed when they were younger.
   • You may find that the person with childhood emotional neglect doesn’t communicate with their partner, doesn’t express feelings or emotions, doesn’t show empathy or compassion, or seems uninterested in the relationship.
2. Notice if they seem insecure in the relationship. You may find that the person is extremely insecure about their role in the relationship. They may be afraid that their significant other is cheating on them constantly or that they don’t deserve the person. These feelings can make them go from one failed relationship to another.
   • You may also find that the person is attracted to people who treat them badly or have CEN themselves. You might find that they consistently gravitate towards abusive relationships.
3. Check if they are content in their relationship. It’s not uncommon for people with CEN to feel as if something is missing from the relationship. They may never truly feel happy. This can cause undue suffering for both them and their partners.
   • For example, people with CEN may often feel like something is wrong or off in their relationships. They may not understand why. In reality, they simply struggle to feel a sense of belonging with others or a connection with their partners. However, they don't realize that heir contentment is an internal, not an external, problem.

Observing Their General Behavior

1. See if they show empathy towards others. An adult who experienced childhood emotional neglect doesn’t show much concern for others. They tend to be closed off from people around them, even their loved ones. They just can't seem to relate to others' human sides.
   • For instance, you may notice that they call people who cry or upset “wimps” or have a difficult time understanding why people are emotional. They also often turn away from the people who need them the most.
2. Check for self-defeating behavior. Adults who experience CEN are often extremely critical of themselves. They may become very upset if they make a mistake or don’t do the job the way they intended. They are often perfectionists and hold themselves up to a high, often unattainable, standard.
   • They may also not make time to care for themselves. You may find that they never take time to do what they enjoy or relax. This is likely because they aren’t aware of what they are feeling and how to make the situation better.
3. Look for an angry temperament. Victims of childhood emotional neglect often act out and throw tantrums. They are unable to process their feelings in a rational way and explode because of it.
   • You may also notice they act emotionally abusive to those around them, including you. You might also feel disconnected to the person because they are unable to process their emotions.
4. Look for addictive behavior. Many people with CEN look to drugs and alcohol to fulfill their needs. Anyone who experiences trauma, including emotional neglect, is predisposed to addiction.
   • Although substance abuse is the most common form of addiction for people with CEN, they may become addicted to other things, such as gambling and sex.

Monitoring Their Parenting

1. Watch for abuse. People who were abused or neglected by their parents often mirror the same behavior with their own children. They may believe that the way they were treated is normal or they just aren’t aware of any other type of parenting. As such, they may show their children the same type of parenting.
   • Your loved one may be the victim of CEN if they ignore, tease, reject, isolate, or terrorize their child. They may also withhold love and affection.
2. Question if they can tell what their children are feeling. You may notice that your loved one doesn’t seem to notice when their child is upset. They may not understand that they are truly sad or angry and just brush them off. Their lack of emotional fulfillment growing up may make them closed off to emotional outbursts that occur around them.
   • Additionally, they will likely cause the same behavior in their own children when they grow up to be parents.
3. Pay attention to how much they interact with their children. A common type of withholding among parents who struggle with CEN is not spending much time talking or otherwise engaging with their children. They often don’t put any effort into bonding with their children because they don’t know any better.
   • For instance, you may notice that they don’t talk much during meals, don’t offer support or encouragement with school or extra-curricular activities, and don’t spend much time on a one-on-one basis.
4. See if they offer comfort appropriately. Children turn to their parents for support and encouragement, especially when times are tough. You may notice that your loved one doesn’t give the love to their child that you feel they need, even when it may be obvious they need it.
   • For example, when the child’s favorite pet passes away, best friend moves, or they get hurt, you may notice your loved one doesn’t console the child or even understand why they are so upset. Even just not asking what the child is so sad about and ignoring them could be defined as childhood emotional neglect, and a sign your loved one has it.

Sources and Citations

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