Start a Conversation with Someone You Don't Know

Starting a conversation with someone you don't know, whether online or in person, is often intimidating. Even the most confident person can find himself feeling tongue-tied and awkward. Whether the situation is social or business, there are ways to make starting conversations easier.

Steps

Networking at a Work Function

1. Ask for opinion or advice. If you're at a work event, ask someone his opinion on a recent work situation. For example, if the company's been considering a merger, ask him what he thinks of it.
   • Try not to share your own opinion on topics before you know more about the other person's perspective. If he doesn't share your opinion on a topic, move on to another topic.
   • Asking for advice about small topics is a good ice-breaker. An example might be, "I'm not sure about this tie - do you think it's appropriate?"
2. Comment on the event. There's always something to comment on, whether you're outside or inside, at a large event or a small one. If there's been a speaker, a presentation, or entertainment, say something about it in a way that encourages response.
   • You can make a comment about the environment anywhere. If you're on an elevator with someone, notice if there are ads posted on the wall, or how quickly the elevator is moving. If you're in a restaurant, notice something about the decor.
   • Make a comparison between this event and others like it. For example, "This is way better than the holiday party last year!"
3. Ask a hypothetical question. This works best if you can work it into a current event or something happening at the event. For example, "I recently read a book where an old woman left his fortune to a man she barely knew. What would you do if someone left her fortune to you?"
   • Open-ended questions invite more conversation than questions with a clear answer. The hypothetical question is only one example of an open-ended question.
   • This is also a good conversation starter for a group of people. If there's one person you're trying to get to know, ask the person the question directly, even as you invite the whole group to answer.
4. Avoid critical comments. People are more likely to respond to positive comments, compliments, and praise. Starting a conversation with someone you don't know is a good chance to practice the old adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
   • Be modest and humble as you talk. No one likes a know-it-all.
   • Find something positive to mention about any topic. If you hate 95% of the topic, seek out the 5% for comments.
5. Ask friendly questions. People usually like to be asked about their pets, children, or hobbies. See if he has pictures, and ask to see them. You might find you have things in common that spark more conversation.
   • Following a compliment with a question can be a good strategy. For example, "I really love that jacket - where did you get it?"
   • Invite the person to share an opinion with you. For example, "That presentation was really great - didn't you think so?"

Chatting With Someone Online

1. Mention his interests. This might be a personal interest, or it might be related to a professional reference. Topics to comment on include comments on topics that the person has recently posted about, predictions he's made, or opinions you share.
   • Talking about his interests is a good way to show him you have things in common, and encourages him to write back.
   • Avoid engaging him on provocative, controversial or intimate interests, even if you can see them on his profile. Start by bringing up more neutral interests, particularly if you know something about them.
2. Do your homework. If you notice someone online that you want to chat with, spend some time finding out information about the person before you try to start a conversation with him. Do an online search for any publicly available information, check out what college he went to, see what companies he's worked for. Even if you don't know him, you can learn something about him before starting a conversation.
   • If this is a professional contact, be attentive to any work they've done. If they have a book, a blog, a podcast, etc., find out what these have to say. People like to feel that their work is of interest to others, and will be flattered by your attention.
   • Share your reflections on the information you find. For example, "I've been listening to your podcast, and I like the way you...."
3. Be original. Your first message to the person should be short and concise, but it doesn't have to be dull. Using opening phrases like "How's it going?" or "What's up?" are more interesting than simple "Hi."
   • Include a brief reference to the awkwardness of starting a conversation with someone you don't know. Open with a phrase like, "I know this might be an odd question, but..." or "I'm kinda shy about asking this, but..."
   • Don't be so original that you're annoying. The worst kind of social overtures might seem original, but they're off-putting and make other people feel awkward. Remember that the other person doesn't yet know your wacky sense of humor, and give them time to get to know you before sharing that side of yourself.
4. Make a comment about his profile picture. People's profiles pictures can say a great deal about their personality. If his profile picture is a serious one, keep your comment sincere and direct. If his profile picture is a picture of a talking fish, it's okay to make a joke about it.
   • Keep it positive. You want to give the person a reason to want to respond.
   • Compliments are great! When you compliment, try to be thoughtful. Notice specific things about the person's profile.
5. Ask a question. If you're chatting online, chances are you can see the person's favorite movies, bands, places he's lived, etc. This a a great opportunity to ask him questions about any of these places, and start a conversation.
   • Questions such as "What did you think about...?" are better than stating your ideas of a movie or band. If you have different opinions about something, you won't get your conversation off to a good start.
   • Asking specific questions is a good conversation starter. For example, pick one of his bands and ask "Did you see (band name) when they played downtown last month?" Whether his answer is yes or no, he'll be impressed that you knew about it.

Flirting With a Stranger

1. Start talking as if you already know the person. When approaching someone new, keep acting the same way you do with your friends. By appearing at ease yourself, you'll be making the other person more relaxed. Confidence is contagious.
   • Avoid being too familiar with the person, or you might seem overbearing. At the same time, there's no need to be overly formal.
   • Follow up by introducing yourself.
2. Ask for help. If there's something simple the person can do for you, ask her for help. This has the advantage of appearing natural, and encourages follow-up conversation. For example, ask someone for notes on a shared class, or if she has an extra pen.
   • Always remember to say thank you for the person's assistance.
   • Be creative. For example, "Would you mind saving my chair for me. I'll just be up for a second."
3. Offer help. If there's something you can offer to do for the person, ask. In the old movies, someone would offer to light the other person's cigarette. If you're a smoker, this might still work, but there are other ways to offer help as well. Offer to bring her something from the bar, or ask if you can bring them anything from the buffet line.
   • The other person will be inclined to like you because you've helped her.
   • Offering to share your umbrella is a romantic way to offer help.
4. Ask the person their connection to the gathering. At a business convention, for example, you might ask someone what company they're with. In a college mixer, ask, "What's your major?"
   • If the person's working, ask her "How long have you worked here?"
   • To start a conversation with someone at a wedding ask, "Which member of the wedding party do you know?"
   • At a game night at a local gaming store, you might ask, "So, how long have you been into gaming (or, this particular game)?"
5. Comment on the situation. Making a friendly comment about the situation you're in can be a great way to start a conversation. While you want to keep your comments positive, it's okay to complain about the weather. For instance, "It's so hot outside I thought I would melt to the pavement!"
   • Try to make your comment relevant to the other person. For example, if you've both just left a college lecture, you might say, "That lecture was pretty interesting."
   • Making comments on the food, the music, the drinks, or the entertainment are all ways to open conversations.
6. Ask a question about the gathering. This is a natural way to open conversation with someone new. The downside is that it doesn't necessarily let the person know you're interested in him. However, it does a good job of starting a conversation between you.
   • For example, you might ask, "I wonder what they put in this curry sauce? It's terrific!"
   • If you're shy, this kind of opening might be the easiest to try because it minimizes the chances the person won't respond at all.
7. Ask the person questions. Asking questions about anything that isn't overly personal is a great way to start a conversation with a new person. It will make the person feel that you are interested in her experience and opinions.
   • It's easy to pair a statement with a question. For example, "I recently saw the movie about the twin Russian spies - did you see that? What did you think of it?"
   • If she's wearing anything that has a band, college, or sports logo on it, ask about her interest in that topic.
8. Give a compliment. If the person has done a presentation, performance or reading, praise her on what she's done. Be genuine, and stick to what you really liked about it. People are quick to pick up on empty flattery.
   • Don't compliment the person's appearance too directly. That can feel invasive to someone you've never met before. It's best to stick to complimenting her personality, apparel or something else about her.
   • Make a flattering observation that might start a conversation. For example, "It looks like you're in a good mood today."
9. Make a statement about yourself. You can start a conversation with someone you don't know by making general statements about yourself that invite conversation. For example, explain that you're new in town might result in the person asking you where you moved from.
   • Bring up a friend with interesting travel experience. For example, "A friend just got back from China, where he saw the most amazing monkeys."
   • Say something about yourself that overlaps with an outside topic. For example, "I just got back from visiting my sister. She was..."

Tips

• Be ready to listen to the person's response.
• Stay friendly and attentive.

Warnings

• Never insist that someone talk to you. If the person doesn't seem interested in continuing your conversation, don't pursue it.

Related Articles

• Start a Good Conversation
• Have a Great Conversation
• Start a Conversation With a Girl

Sources and Citations

See also

• Make Conversation in a Meeting
• Keep the Conversation Flowing with a Girl (for Guys)
• Ask Someone if They're Okay
• Spot Your Conversational Blind Spots
• Talk About Yourself
• Talk to Your Barber
• Give Good Feedback
• Start a Conversation When You Have Nothing to Talk About
• Have a Great Conversation
• Validate Someone's Feelings

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