Stop Being Invisible to Other People

At times, we each may feel as if a certain someone, or that society as a whole, has taken it upon themselves to make us feel invisible. This may be due to our own social actions (or lack thereof), or perhaps a simple misunderstanding as to the hints a person drops when they take notice of you. The good news, however, is that it is entirely possible to move from socially invisible to socially present and relevant.

Steps

Evaluating the Situation

1. Create a list of real-life examples. In order to fix your problem, you first have to understand it. Compile a list that includes moments in which you felt ignored by other people. Include everything from the seemingly trivial (I said “Hi!” and received no reply) to the more obvious examples (I attended a party and no one spoke to me). Try to describe these incidents in as much detail as you can.
   • This list can stay private and, therefore, does not need to appear polished. It is for your own personal reference, so be more concerned about the content than the format or appearance.
   • Marking down your emotional reaction at the time can also help you to understand the stages of emotion commonly associated with being ignored or ostracized. It is not uncommon for people who are isolated to feel confused at first (am I really experiencing this?), followed by anger and rage when no one seems willing to help improve the situation. Validate and recognize your feelings before they make compel you to commit anti-social acts simply to be noticed.
2. Look for patterns of treatment over time. Are you having trouble getting people to pay attention to you at work or at home? In social settings or in private ones? Is there any particular person who appears repeatedly in your example list? Did others start to ignore you after a particular moment in time? For instance, it is documented that workplace whistleblowers can be ostracized by their peers.
   • Don’t discount your behaviors. Watch for patterns in how you act as well. For example, are you comfortable speaking with people, but fail to leave a lasting impression? Or, do you experience anxiety when pressured to talk with others?
   • Make notations about your pattern observations and then set personal goals accordingly. If your home life is the concern, then tailor your efforts toward an improvement in that area. This will also allow you to see (and celebrate!) positive changes over time.
3. Take responsibility. To make a change you have to embrace the possibility of improvement, even if it comes at a slow pace. Recognize that your actions are within your control. Feeling invisible can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe that you are unworthy of notice, you will be.
4. Find a partner or confidante to help you identify social goals and achieve them. This should be a person who you trust and who you admire. Ask them to attend social functions with you in order to observe how you interact with others and to provide advice.

Focusing on Your Well-Being

1. Recognize your own personhood. Acknowledge your feelings and past actions as valid, but decide to take a new path in the future. It is often helpful to think about everything that is unique about you and all of your personal accomplishments. Love yourself and others will love you too!
   • Keeping a journal of personal triumphs can help you to stay in a positive, forward-thinking mindset. It also gives you good material for conversations. Most people would be more than happy to offer sincere congratulations if, for example, your received a promotion at work. Also, feel free to include statements of gratitude in your journal. There is no one ‘right’ way to chronicle your journey.
2. Create a shrine to you. In your home and/or office, document your life and achievements by posting snapshots of good moments, inspirational quotes, and knick-knacks from your adventures.
   • If you climbed up to Machu Picchu, let people know by keeping a photo at your desk. This is a sure-fire conversation starter. Studies have shown that taking ownership over a space through personal items can result in an increase of positive emotion.
3. Defend your interests against others. It is very tempting to sacrifice and compromise in order to promote harmony. This ‘people-pleasing’ mentality is pleasant, but also forgettable if repeated endlessly. Pretend as if you are your own personal PR (public relations) agent. As such, you must encourage the positive and respond to negative attacks upon your person.
   • Be direct, not confrontational. People often fade into social invisibility in order to avoid conflict. This is understandable, however, it can cause problems in the long term. Instead, in tense situations, try to remain calm and collected and goal-oriented. Ask your colleagues, "How can we fix this?” or “Why do you think that?” Other people seeking a skilled leader will then look to you for guidance.
4. Learn to say “no.” If you struggle with social invisibility it is very tempting to jump on every opportunity for engagement and recognition. Resist this impulse. When presented with an opportunity, ask yourself if it fits your present and future personal and professional goals. If that does not help, then give yourself one day to think everything over and to reply. This mindset puts your needs first, a clear signal to others that you are someone of importance.
5. Do something for yourself! Buy a new outfit with matching accessories. Make a statement of individuality with your clothing choices. For example, pick a memorable or unique piece of jewelry and wear this signature piece for certain special occasions. The process of enclothed cognition means that you will gain confidence from clothing pieces that you associate with strong, powerful people. In this case, a simply necklace can be the best social armor you can buy!
6. Eat right and exercise. Make sure that you are eating regular, healthy meals. This is another area where you can express your personality and expand your social circle by joining a cooking club or even writing a food blog. Similarly, exercise does not have to be a solo endeavor. Take a class at the local gym, sign up for an outdoor exercise group, or track your progress with a support group online. All of these actions will result in greater visibility for you.
   • As a bonus, exercise has been shown to trigger the production of endorphins, which in turn stimulate positive emotions. When you feel good about yourself, others will notice and get caught up in that exuberant feeling along with you.
7. Take time off. Every once in a while embrace invisibility and disappear from the social scene. Not only will this make people appreciate you more, you will also get to recharge and reevaluate your goals moving forward. This can also be an opportunity for adventure! Book a trip to a distant locale and practice your social skills by taking on a new, bold persona, even if only for brief time.

Developing and Demonstrating Confidence

1. Practice positive affirmation. Tell yourself how confident you are. You may not believe this initially, but the more you tell yourself "I am a confident person", the easier it will become to feel confident. Your subconscious will believe you are confident if it is told often enough. In fact, Carnegie Mellon University researchers found that self-affirmation stimulates a person’s problem solving ability and can even lead to increased grade point averages while in school.
2. Give compliments. Share your affirmations with others by recognizing their talents. Tell someone, “I really agreed with your point” or “I think that you made a good choice back there.” If you notice a person’s signature jewelry piece or perfume, make a nice, sincere statement about it, such as, “That bracelet is really stunning. Where did you get it?”
3. Display strong body language. Hold your head up high, keep your spine straight, and walk with purpose. As you walk also try to establish eye contact with others and smile as you do so. People tend to notice someone who emits an aura of self-awareness. They can sense that this person has self-worth, which is to be respected.
   • Take up space. In a physical manifestation of conflict avoidance, it is easy to give in to the urge to compress your body as much as possible in the presence of others. Resist this urge. Instead, own your territory at the conference table, for example. One way to do this is to spread out your papers for reference and make gestures that occupy the space.
4. Avoid hiding behind your phone. It is really easy to fiddle with your phone to defray the awkwardness connected with social invisibility. Instead, force yourself to keep your phone put away. Make yourself interact with a set number of people (or give yourself a time limit) before you can pull it back out.
5. Be funny! Not everyone is equipped with the natural gifts of Robin Williams or other superb comic icons. However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t be funny. Try to figure out your own unique brand of humor. Do you like knock-knock jokes? Or, perhaps you favor biting social satire? Or, droll or dark commentaries? Take some time to explore different types of “funny” so that you can bring your own approach to social gatherings.
   • Humorous anecdotes are great ice-breakers. Read one of the many online “fake news” sites and gather stories to discuss with others. This is a comfortable way to bring up touchy political issues while stimulating conversation. Other people will undoubtedly ask questions and you get to be the authority of the moment.

Giving 100% Every Time

1. Immerse yourself in conversation. Be an active listener and an engaged speaker. By closely listening to your conversation partner (or to any speaker) you are showing them respect, thus rescuing them from invisibility. Active listening creates common ground and leads to a deeper mutual understanding and empathy. Asking questions is one way to move a conversation from passive to active.
   • Try to avoid asking “yes or no” questions and instead stick with “how and why” prompts. For example, if a friend is recounting a recent trip abroad instead of asking, “Did you enjoy it?” you could say, “What did you enjoy the most about it and why?” Ask follow-up questions as well to show that you are still engaged.
2. Take a stand and don't be afraid to disagree. If you have a valid counterpoint, bring it up in a civil way. Indeed, sometimes you can even acknowledge your desire to play devil’s advocate, an angle that often injects a degree of liveliness into a conversation. In addition, seeing both sides of an argument demonstrates mental flexibility, a trait widely admired.
3. Test your boundaries. Perhaps a simple boost of self-esteem is required to get the ball rolling on your path to social visibility. Do something crazy, zany, and outgoing to get some attention with people you will probably never see again.
   • Keep these spontaneous actions positive. For example, high five a random person on the street or ‘pass it along’ by paying for someone else’s coffee. By doing so, you will have secured your visibility (and noticeably impacted another person) for at least a day. And, Stanford University research studies have shown that paying it forward stimulates social behavior and generosity.
4. Get involved! Keeping a busy schedule greatly increases your odds of social visibility. Ask your friends, family, and co-workers to suggest activities and events that may be of interest to you. Keep an eye open for new opportunities and, remember, don’t be afraid to try something adventurous!
   • If you are at work this may mean tapping in to local networking groups. For example, many young professionals groups meet up according to specific age ranges or fields. This will increase your social visibility by giving you an instant commonality with others. Or, your involvement could take the form of service activities such as organizing departmental parties or charity drives. Helping others is always a positive way to draw attention to oneself.
   • Thematic meet-up groups are another option for almost guaranteed social visibility. These are groups of people who all express similar interests (alumni, outdoors-types, board game enthusiasts, etc.) and who get together at planned gatherings (often organized via social media).

Tips

• The opposite sex are not the only people out there. People sometimes get into the mindset that their entire social life must be geared towards the hunt for a mate. Expanding your group of acquaintances that are strictly "friend-only" can be easier and might be a good way to ease yourself into your new lifestyle of visibility.
• Understand that people are not going to scream I Notice You once you achieve visibility. There are subtle signs people give off when you have sparked their interest. Look for these, and engage in conversation with the person when you see them.
• There are also possible benefits to invisibility. In particular, the ability to act without worrying about other’s reactions and ignoring societal ideals regarding beauty are often cited as positive outcomes.

Warnings

• Be aware of workplace invisibility that escalates into workplace ostracism. If you are being purposefully ignored and undermined, you may need to request support from senior staffers. Canadian researchers have found that ostracism is widespread with more than 70% of those surveyed experiencing feelings of workplace invisibility. Some scholars argue that exclusion is more common (and possibly more problematic) that overt bullying.
• The pain of ostracism can be intense and unyielding. If you feel as if you may commit violence to yourself or others, please reach out to friends, family, and medical professionals for assistance.

Related Articles

• Analyze Yourself
• Develop Self‐Esteem
• Be Confident
• Build Self Confidence
• Be Visible to Employers
• Get Noticed

Sources and Citations

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• Avoid Being Socially Awkward
• Be the Most Irresistible Woman at a Party
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