Stop Feeling Hurt

Are you feeling hurt right now because of the loss of a friend, a break-up, a betrayal or any other upsetting life circumstance? No matter what caused you to feel that way and regardless of the impact, you must accept this is reality: pain is a part of life. Luckily, you can anticipate that things will improve for you with time. Here’s how to help yourself heal from hurt and start fully living again.

Steps

Making Positive Emotional Changes

1. Acknowledge and accept what hurt you. Define your pain and label it for what it is instead of letting it define you. It can be hard to accept things when something happened that we didn't expect or something fell short of your expectations. It may be so painful, you can barely stand it. Still, you have to acknowledge this pain in order to move on.
   • Defining the hurt feelings will allow you to separate the negative feelings from you as a whole person. It is OK to feel however you feel, but this does not make you a bad person, a failure or any less of a person.
   • For example, if you were cheated on by your significant other, it is not correct or productive to blame yourself for the indiscretion. It's okay to feel humiliated and rejected, but do not allow those negative emotions to make you take ownership for someone else's wrongdoing.
2. Gain control of your emotions. You may be hurt but you can still control your emotions. Emotions are an important part of being a human—they allow us to feel for ourselves and others. Still, they can also take over our lives. You can gain control of your emotions by trying a number of strategies.
   • Taking action is a great way to reel in your emotional response. If you are making a positive contribution to fixing the issue, your emotions won’t be in the driver seat—your practicality will be.
   • Shifting your focus can also help to control your feelings. Distract yourself from what’s wrong until you can gain some perspective. Go to the gym. Phone a light-hearted friend. Go pick up groceries or run errands. It’s harder to feel down on yourself when you are making moves.
3. Allow yourself to grieve. If you must cry or mourn, then do so. But set a time limit on how long you will allow yourself to let the emotions stay in control. Give yourself a day or two—or more depending on the situation—and then get back out there.
4. Find closure. Just as every relationship or event has a start, they usually have either a natural end or you create an end through closure. Define the ritual ahead of time so you know when you have done what you needed to do to have closure.
   • You may get closure by confronting the wrongdoer and trying to forgive. If you take this route, refrain from blaming. Simply express how you feel and explain how you want to move forward. Say something to the effect of “I was really hurt by what you did. I need space to decide if I want to continue the relationship or not. I will contact you if I decide to.”
   • Another possible strategy may be as simple as returning the property of an ex-spouse and saying a final goodbye. Give yourself time to get the task done, but not enough time to draw it out.
5. Do not dwell on the past. Acknowledge the situation that caused your hurt and know that, as it ends, you are no longer obligated to feel sad by it. Do not let this situation become who you are, it merely was something that happened to you. After you have accepted the reality of the hurt and tried to find closure, the next step is moving on. This means altering your thoughts so that you are not constantly ruminating on what happened.
   • Take action to overcome rumination. Rumination can be a trap in which you beat yourself up regularly for letting it happen or for not seeing what would happen ahead of time. This type of thinking can lead to depression.
   • You can overcome rumination by choosing to not let the horrible event happen to you again. You can also problem-solve ways to overcome the situation so that you are not affected by it in the future. Brainstorm different ways you can improve your current situation or write down a list of lessons you learned from going through it. When you take action after a negative event, you empower yourself to move forward.

Practicing Positive Thinking

1. Appreciate the good in your life. Remember regardless of what happened, there is nothing wrong or broken with you. The situation may change the way you think for some time, but it does not change the fact that there is still good in your life.
   • Take a moment each day to focus on positive friends. Reconnect with activities you enjoy and recognize any positive things happening in your life. Start a gratitude journal that focuses on the things that are going right in your life. Over time, you may start to find you have much to be happy and thankful for.
2. Let go of the negative. Think positively. Recognize that filling your head with negative chatter can actually bring your whole life down. If you find yourself thinking negatively, catch yourself in the moment and strive to attack the negative thought and switch it into a more positive or realistic statement.
   • For example, challenge a negative thought like “I will never know good wholesome people who aren’t trying to manipulate me” by thinking of any person you know who has shown kindness and trustworthiness. Once you identify at least one person who fits this positive category you have attacked and invalidated the negative claim.
   • Instead, send love and light to those who have wronged you. Learn to forgive and move on, it is a mistake to allow anyone that has wronged you to take up negative space in your heart. It is very freeing to know that someone who wronged you in the past does not hold any further power over you. Know that letting go of anger doesn’t excuse what happened, it just brings in more space for the positive in your life.
3. Surround yourself with positive, happy people. People like your family, friends, a special someone, and many others can help renew your faith in humanity after being hurt. Be inspired by them to recover and eventually move on from that hurt feeling.
   • Find friends you can talk to and even turn the hurt into a testimony to share with others. You may be able to use what happened to you as a forewarning so that others may avoid the same issue.
   • Approach a good friend like "Hey, Samantha, can we talk? I wanted to tell you about something that happened to me..." Then, you might share your story. Ask for support by saying something like "I could really use a hug right now."

Learning to Rebuild

1. Take responsibility. If you own your part in what happened to you, you have the opportunity to become empowered and find growth from the experience. This does not mean you take all the blame or bury your head in shame. Instead, take an honest look at any mistakes you see that you made or any lessons you may be able to take from the experience. There is an opportunity to grow and learn from each experience, even heartache or betrayal.
   • You may find it freeing and a big part of moving on to know what you will change going forward to avoid the problem again. This is a way to take back your power and stop giving the other person or group power over you.
2. Share your story. Sometimes, being able to talk about it lessens the pain. Give yourself time and freedom to cry, laugh and tell the stories you need to share. You may find things that seem like a huge problem suddenly aren’t as bad as you share experiences with friends.
   • Feeling sad or in pain is not something you should hide from those around you. Hiding just makes it seem like it is wrong or shameful instead of dealing with it and moving on.
   • When with friends, get the courage to talk about your hurt by saying "I have been meaning to tell you all about what I have been going through. You may not know it, but you have been a great source of support for me..."
   • You can also attend a support group for people who have endured similar experiences and share your story in their presence.
3. Take good care of yourself. The feelings of being overwhelmed will only be made worse by also feeling physically ill or otherwise unwell. You may find for the first bit of time you need to make an effort to remind yourself to eat, sleep on a regular schedule and even exercise. Make a commitment to support feeling better by taking care of yourself.
   • Doing something nurturing for yourself day after day will replace the hurt with love for yourself, which is one of the most important forms of love you can ever have.
   • Aim to eat a healthy, balanced diet, perform at least 30 minutes of physical activity, and sleep at least 7 hours each night. It may also help to engage in some self-care activities that help you reduce stress like reading a book or playing fetch with your dog.
4. Set personal boundaries in the future. Make a plan as to how you will move forward and avoid the same problem in the future. Then, hold yourself to sticking to the plan. Come up with a list of basic needs and non-negotiables for your relationships to have on hand in days to come. It is up to you to assert yourself and let others know what you expect from a friendship or relationship.
   • This list can serve as guidelines for the sort of interactions you want to have with others. If you ever feel like the needs are not being met, then you can head off issues before they spread into new hurts or betrayals.
   • You might include guidelines such as not being in relationships with people who make you compromise your values, not dealing with people who abuse drugs or engage in criminal activity, or not putting undue effort into a one-sided relationship.

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Sources and Citations

See also

• Cope with the End of a Long Friendship
• Overcome Hatred from Others
• Change Someone Else's Behavior
• Avoid Conflict
• Determine Why Someone Is Treating You Poorly
• Deal With Impossible People
• Stop Being a People Pleaser
• Deal With Beggars Asking You for Money
• Ignore People You No Longer Wish to Be Around
• Tell Someone to Stop Flirting With You

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• Stop Crying when You Are Very Upset
• Ignore Pain and Feelings