Stop Fighting With Your Brother or Sister

It's hard to maintain a relationship with a sibling, especially if you two are always bickering. Fighting can be a very hard cycle to break, and it often results in hurt feelings and angry thoughts. However, this article will show you how to stop fighting with your sibling and to maintain a good relationship with him/her.

Steps

Before You Start

  1. Consider your relationship with your brother or sister. Is it very strong or is it extremely weak? What things can be done to strengthen and improve your relationship? Mentally work out what areas you and your brother/sister could work on, but do not confront your sibling yet.
  2. Take a step back and observe the situation. Is your sibling at the point where he/she is going through puberty or is it you? This could cause you and/or your sibling to deal with each other more differently and erupt into fights more often. If this appears to be the case, know that the situation isn't permanent and let puberty run its course while you try to make the situation as comfortable and best as possible.
  3. Think about the past. Are there some things that you and/or your sibling has done that resulted in your situation and relationship today? Perhaps you didn't mean to humiliate your sibling on his/her birthday, but if you never apologized for that and/or your sibling is holding a grudge against you, that could be why he/she fights with you a lot. Maybe it's even you that is holding a grudge against your sibling.

Taking Action

  1. Take the time to sit down with your sibling and have a serious chat about the situation that is currently going on. Let him/her know that you've noticed that you two have been fighting a lot. However, while explaining that, do not point out that it's his/her fault or he/she has started most of the fights. Otherwise, your sibling may feel defensive, and you'll soon find the two of you bickering over this!
  2. Ask your sibling what strong areas he/she thinks are found in your relationship (ex: you both are good at sharing). Wait for him/her to be finished talking, then make a few comments of your own as well. However, do not take too much time in this for there are the negative points you must face as well. Also, your sibling might get bored of this conversation and want to leave, possibly sparking another fight between you two.
  3. After the positive points have been made, ask your sibling what areas you could improve in your life to help strengthen the bond between you two. Do not interrupt your sibling while he/she is talking or feel defensive about some comments that he/she makes. It will be your turn to talk soon, and it's best that you know what you've been doing wrong.
    • Listen to what your sibling has to say. Then, he/she may feel obliged to fully listen to you when it's your turn to speak.
  4. Once your sibling has listed some improvements that you could make, it's your turn to let your sibling know what he/she needs to improve in as well. However, when telling your sibling, do not start off with an accusatory tone or he/she might immediately feel defensive. Instead, use a polite and kind tone while saying words similar to, "Well, I've noticed that we don't do our fair share of chores a lot. Maybe we should both work on that."
    • Keep in mind that saying "we" is better than saying "you" because "we" means the two of you will work together on this. It's not just your sibling that has to work on it.
  5. Have the two of you pick two or three areas to work on together (ex: sharing and doing the chores). Although you two may want to work on all the areas at once, it's easier said than done! It will become harder for you to balance all of those areas at once so it's better to tackle a few at a time.
    • If you feel that your relationship isn't strong enough to handle two or three areas, stick to one if necessary. However, don't procrastinate in handling the other areas!
  6. Make it you and your sibling's goal to work hard in strengthening those areas. Try to work together on this and make it a team job instead of a solo job. That way, you and your sibling will feel more supported and encouraged by each other.
    • Hand out a positive comment or two to your sibling so that he/she feels motivated to improve in that area.
    • Don't focus on the negative points. Rather, look past them. At least your sibling is striving to improve in that area.
  7. Once you both feel that the area(s) you've been working on are strong enough, focus on other areas while maintaining the strong areas to make them even stronger.
  8. If matters are worse, ask your parents for advice and see what they can do to help strengthen the relationship between you and your sibling. However, do not tattle on your sibling and pin the blame on him/her because that will show how immature you are. Plus, your sibling will feel hurt and that may worsen the conditions of your relationship with him/her.

Maintaining the Relationship

  1. Every once in a while, do something nice for your sibling without reason. Pick a random but appropriate time and do something for him/her that you know he/she will appreciate (ex: going out and buying his/her favorite candy bar for him/her). If he/she asks, "Why did you do that for me?" respond with: "Because I wanted to."
    • This shows your sibling that - despite all the fighting you do with him/her - you still love him/her and you desire a better relationship.
    • Even if your sibling doesn't take time to do something in return for you, don't feel discouraged, but keep on being nice and kind to him/her. Note that you shouldn't be kind to him/her once in a while, but you should keep being nice ever single day whether he/she deserves it or not!
  2. Make sure you have finished all your homework, practiced for your lessons, and have done your chores or anything else on your agenda. That way, your sibling won't exclaim, "You've still got to do your homework so hand me the TV remote!" or "Oh my gosh! I can't believe you still haven't finished your chores!" Taking care of your agenda will eliminate the possibility of you and your sibling quarreling over who has finished what.
    • If you've finished your chores and your sibling has not, offer to help him/her with a part of it. Although you would prefer not to help him/her, this will help strengthen your relationship with him/her and let him/her know that you care for him/her. However, do not do all of his/her chores or else he/she might start using you.
  3. Avoid getting into your sibling's business. Your sibling deserves his/her own privacy just like you do. Keep away from reading his/her diary, checking their Instant Messaging, email, etc. Unless if you have special permission from him/her, do not invade your sibling's privacy or he/she may retaliate and invade yours!
    • If your sibling gives you special permission to read something personal of his/hers (ex: diary entry), do not take advantage of it and cross the borderline! Although you may be tempted to, this is not the right choice and may harm your relationship with him/her, giving your sibling a reason to be mean to you.
  4. Avoid letting your sibling down, especially if your sibling is younger than you. Keep in mind that younger siblings tend to look up to you - even if he/she would never admit it - so don't crush his/her dreams. Be a good role model for him/her and someone he/she would want to follow and is proud of.
  5. Participate in a fun activity with your sibling although you may prefer to lock yourself in your bedroom and text your friends. This will tighten your bond with him/her and make sure sibling feel appreciated. Play with action figures, write a story together, or find a hobby that you both enjoy doing. After all, you can't fight and be happy at the same time.
    • Overlook tiny mistakes that he/she makes (ex: Your sibling left a dent in your favorite action figure) to avoid fighting. Your relationship with your sibling is more valuable than your items.
  6. Listen to your sibling if he/she has a problem. Give him/her the best advice and comfort him/her if he/she needs it. Even if your sibling may not do this for you, it doesn't mean that you should give him/her the cold shoulder. In fact, if you help him/her, your sibling might feel obliged to do something nice for you too even if it isn't what you may have in mind.

When You Fight

  1. Apologize if you find that you have already started a fight. Instead of tending to your self pride and hurting your sibling, hurt your pride and mend the wound you have caused to your relationship. This will smooth matters over and it won't waste your time. Even if it wasn't your fault, still apologize to eliminate the possibility of getting hurt, grounded, etc.
  2. Talk about why you started fighting. Fighting is a deadly cycle, but you have to be the mature one and break it. If you can't even remember why you're mad, perhaps the reason why you two broke out into a quarrel wasn't very important.
  3. Although you may be tempted to treat your sibling badly, don't be mean to your sibling. Otherwise, he/she will believe that you want him/her out of your life and he/she will feel miserable. Also, it gives your sibling an excuse to be mean right back to you, and it damages your relationship with him/her.
    • If you are mean to your sibling, apologize immediately - even if your sibling refuses to accept the apology.
  4. Ignore your sibling if he/she says something rude or obnoxious. Sometimes, your sibling may try to aggravate you for no reason, but ignoring him/her takes the fun out of it. When the fun is gone, your sibling won't be as obnoxious.
    • The more stubborn siblings may strive harder and be obnoxious for a longer period of time than others, but eventually, he/she will grow bored and give up.

Tips

  • Treat your sibling the way you'd like to be treated even if they don't treat you that way. Over time, your sibling may begin to trust you and respond positively to your assurances.
  • Give your sibling compliments, but make sure they are genuine. However, do not give him/her too many - either he/she may grow arrogant and perhaps expect them from you or he/she may grow suspicious and slightly withdrawn.
  • Be the bigger person - you should be the one to say you are sorry, and you should be the one to not start the fights.
  • Try to be understanding and realize that everyone reacts to situations very differently. What one does in jest may truly cause hurt feelings so apologize. It could help your relationship.
  • Encourage your sibling to do his/her best.
  • If you accidentally say something very mean to your sibling, tell him/her that you didn't mean to say it and ask for his/her forgiveness. Do not tend to your pride and refuse to apologize.
  • Like a coin, everyone, everything  and every circumstance has two sides; positive and negative. How we feel about everything has to do with our focus. We can focus on the positive or the negative. Train your mind to stay genuinely focused on your siblings positive traits. Soon that's all you will see and your relationship will change.
  • Be the first to say sorry. Don't wait for him/her to tell you he/she is the one to be sorry.
  • When you all fight and you started it, apologize and ask for her/his forgiveness.
  • Stay on your side of the room if you share a room with your siblings. Try putting in some headphones and play something you like to listen to. If you do this, you will not be able to hear what your sibling is saying.

Warnings

  • If your sibling starts to lower your confidence or you as a person in any way, take action and tell someone.
  • Never hurt your siblings. Solve the problem with your words; your words can be a lot more effective than you think. Try using calm words.
  • Don't gossip about your sibling or else he/she may feel injured and long to take out his/her anger on you.
  • Don't go to school and tell everybody what your sibling did wrong. This gives your sibling an excuse to get back at you and treat you poorly.
  • If your sibling continues fighting with you, but you are following the rules, ask your parents or some adults for help.

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