Stop Lying to Yourself
Everyone lies. You may not think you do but even small omissions to speak up or pretending to be someone or to be as knowledgeable, skilled or prepared as we are expected to be are all forms of lying. Lying to yourself is a deep betrayal though, as if you spend a lot of time convincing yourself you're someone other than who you truly feel yourself to be inside, then life is going to be much tougher for you than it needs to be. Stopping the lies to yourself can be an enormously cathartic experience if you're willing to give it a go.
Sometimes, you know you're lying to yourself but the inner voice that's goading you to deceive yourself screams more loudly. Allow yourself the space to spot the lies you tell yourself by not beating yourself up over the discoveries you'll make and by making compacts with yourself to overcome the worst of this habit so that you can lead a more satisfying life.
Steps
- Stop saying yes when you really mean no. This is one of the biggest problems for many people who feel obliged to say "yes" to others for all sorts of reasons. If those reasons aren't being true to caring for your own needs and time resources, then it's important to say no instead. Saying "no" will, like everything else, take practice but you'll soon learn that people prefer to know that you mean it and that you're not going to let them down by saying yes but never doing it. While some people may seem offended by a "no" when you'd usually say yes to them, often this indicates more about their own need to use you, in which case it's good for them to learn that you're standing up for yourself.
- Identify your defense mechanisms. Using defensiveness, victimization, anger, intellectualizing or outrage as means to promote your point of view while ignoring all others is a form of self deception. When you get on your high horse and claim that others should adhere to your point of view, you are lying to yourself because your reactions are defense mechanisms, and disrespectful of the viewpoint of others. That is not the real you. The real you is the one whose passions, beliefs, values and preferences matter but should be vocalized and shown in constructive ways that help and nurture others, not treat them as targets to be won over to your point of view.
- Acknowledge when you're scared. Lies are often something we tell when we want to protect ourselves. The desire to protect is a response to something that you fear. The more you acknowledge your fears, the less you'll need to lie. Whenever you find yourself rationalizing something, or your intuition triggers some introspection, ask yourself: "What am I scared might happen?"
- Make a conscious effort to notice moments throughout the day when you're trying to be someone you're not. While it's great to learn from others and copycat things that have worked for them, taking this too far and trying to be them will result in you losing your sense of self and trying to be someone you're not. Similarly, contorting yourself to meet others' expectations will erode your individuality, and break your spirit. Don't do or say things just because another person does or expects you to; source the need to behave that way from within and if it's not true to yourself, either don't do it or tailor it completely to reflect your own self.
- Recognize when you're exaggerating your abilities, accomplishments and skills. These sorts of lies to yourself will eventually cause you confusion, frustration and loss when you overestimate what you're capable of. For some people, this can lead to fulfillment of the "Peter Principle", where you allow yourself to be promoted beyond your skill set yet spend your time trying to vainly prove you're capable. This can lead to burnout, a sense of failure and even a reduction in reputation as others discover you can't keep up in the way you said you would. Exaggeration of this sort doesn't help you to get ahead and prevents you from being true to yourself.
- Learn to be humble.
- Share your vulnerabilities with other people. This helps you to better connect with people who recognize the same vulnerabilities in themselves and it also shows them that you are authentic.
- Be wary of when you tell yourself that things are going to change but you do nothing to make this happen. Saying that you'd like things to be different is one thing. Action is another. Many people lie to themselves by wishing that they'd win the lottery, receive an inheritance, find the perfect job, etc., and then simply get on with all they can't stand about their lives, passively waiting for... who knows what to happen. You'll know this lie if you find yourself saying a lot: "If only." If only won't make changes for you; only your action and determination can do that.
- Acknowledge your tunnel vision. Everyone has it, to some extent. Realize that your truth is just that––your truth. Don't lie to yourself by thinking that the way you see the world is the only way to see the world. It's this kind of narrow approach that gets people into endless arguments from which they won't back down, as they try to enforce their reality onto others, denying the reality of anyone else.
- Hold yourself to a high standard of internal truth telling. It will probably take practice but once you're alert to the need to be more self-truthful, you'll catch yourself when you lie to yourself and start stopping it from happening. Amazing things will happen as you are more truthful to yourself––you'll trust yourself more, you'll feel your self worth increase and you'll understand your limitations and when to rely on others rather than trying to "do it all" yourself. You'll be more inclined to get on with things instead of moping or falling into self-piteous moments, and you'll have more energy because you're not holding up a front, concealing your true nature or worrying about hiding your vulnerabilities. Ultimately, not lying to yourself is a way of giving others the gift of the real you, and on that they can rely.
Tips
- Thoughts about yourself that are dark, brooding and negative are a part of you, not the whole. Don't allow these to define who you are; it's an untruth to yourself if you do. Every person is a contradiction and a mixture of light, shade and dark and we each spend a lifetime balancing these aspects of ourselves.
- Know the difference between honesty and tactfulness. Being so harsh on yourself that you curl into the fetal position and give up is not constructive and will only cause you more pain. Be tactful when assessing your weaker points and where you need to improve and resolve to do what you can to improve.
- Sometimes irrational levels of self criticizing thoughts come from other people who were negative influences in your life, especially in childhood. Consider the source before assuming their ideas are a valid part of who you are. It takes introspection to sort this out from valuable self critique and often also takes talking about these feelings with trusted friends who have a healthy outlook. Watch for thoughts that are completely inconsistent with reality or with your other views in life. Example: a teen who gets high grades in honors classes and always supports others' academic achievements, any improvement in grades - who still thinks his or her own success is barely adequate if that. It can be about anything.
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