Tell if Someone Is Using You

Not knowing if you can trust another person to be aboveboard, particularly someone supposedly close to you, is confusing and upsetting. You may have chosen to overlook it, or deal with it for the time being. Or perhaps you simply aren’t sure what to think; using another person requires manipulation, after all. Luckily, there are signs, and some waving flags, to alert you to situations in which you're being used. You only have to be willing to see them and make decisions about how you will handle them.

Steps

Reflecting on Your Relationship

1. Ask for clarification on the relationship’s status. Sometimes in relationships, you may feel uncertain about where things truly stand because the other person is either resistant to labeling the relationship or doesn’t consistently differentiate his or her feelings for you from others. This might occur when a man or woman is reluctant to call the other his or her “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” – to others, in front of others and to the other. In cases such as this, there’s a good chance you’re being used. This might also occur when, for example, your “best friend” calls several others her “best friend” as well, causing you to wonder about the true nature of your friendship.
   • Often this happens because the person is happy with the situation as it is, wants to leave his or her options open, or doesn’t want to lose the benefits of being special to you.
   • If you find yourself in this situation, ask how the other person defines the relationship and, if applicable, where he or she would like to see the relationship go in the future.
   • If this doesn’t align with what you want, you might consider either severing ties or modifying your expectations of the other person and the relationship.
2. Observe when you spend time together. You would be wise to question the motives of another person if you find a) that you typically spend time together when the other person is bored or wants or needs something (like someone to listen as your mother-in-law rants about how little she sees your husband), b) that the time is generally spent alone (like late at night), or c) that it’s time spent to fill a spot (like as a date to an event or as a last-minute bowling partner).
   • In doing this, the other person’s needs and wishes not only disregard yours but also dictate one of the most fundamental aspects of any relationship – when you see the other person.
   • If this is the case, you must decide if what you’re getting out of the relationship compensates for this, assuming it upsets you. And you must choose whether or not to discuss your feelings and/or your decision with the other person.
3. Note when you don’t spend time together. Conversely, pay attention to when you’re not together. For instance, are you rarely invited to dinner parties at your supposed friend’s home? Does a woman at work stop by your desk religiously after office meetings to make copies of your notes but fail to include you every day for lunch with “the girls”? When you need something, can you never track down the other person? While occasional oversights happen, repeatedly avoiding or not including you indicates the relationship might not be what you thought or wanted.
   • Just as the other person dictates when you spend time together, the same is happening when you don’t spend time together.
   • Here, too, you must decide on a course of action – to talk with the other person and see if things change or emotionally detach from a relationship you may have wanted but do not have.
4. Reject all talk and no action behavior. When someone says he or she will do one thing but doesn’t follow through, it can become aggravating, especially if it becomes a pattern. This ultimately leads to you not trusting in the person or the relationship. In many cases, the commitment was made while also asking something of the other person. So, pay attention to whether anything is asked of you (or wanted from you) when a commitment or plans are made, but dropped.
   • If you find they are, refuse to do what’s being asked or discuss the problem directly with the other person.
5. Don’t accept broken promises. Users perpetually break promises and, in the process, are perpetually choosing to put something or someone else ahead of you. Often it’s that person. It’s also a good sign that he or she may not be very serious about you, that you’re not particularly significant or that you’re viewed as a push-over who won’t cause trouble even when taken advantage of.
   • If you find yourself in this situation, express your feelings to the other person.
   • If nothing changes, it may be time to say goodbye. More reliably green pastures do exist where friends, relatives, colleagues and romantic partners do actually keep their word.
6. Reflect on any mixed messages. Determine if what’s said to you is different from what’s said about you. Does your sister shower you with affection and tell you how important you are but then complain to your mother about how you’re never around when she needs you? Has a co-worker praised you for doing a great job on a project you helped him with but then grouched to other co-workers, saying you were so computer illiterate he might as well have done the work himself?
   • If a person gossips about you or acts differently to you than he or she would when you’re around others, red flags with the words “ulterior motive” and/or “jealousy” imprinted on both sides should be waving in your mind’s eye.
   • Think about who this person is to you really and decide how to best let go of (you don’t have to be friends with everyone) or handle (you do have to work with some people) a relationship with a person you cannot trust.

Thinking about Communications With the Other

1. Steer conversations away from the other person. Four words: It’s all about them. They talk about their families; their jobs; their problems; their triumphs; and what they want and what they believe they need, generally from you. Often they care little about imposing on your time, or what you might be doing, so they can drone on and on about themselves.
   • When you find this happening, change the subject to something that would still interest them but not be about them. Or cut the conversation short; hopefully they’ll eventually get the picture.
2. Scrutinize how little they listen to you. Pay attention to how much the other person knows about you. Does your “boyfriend” know why you hated growing up in Buffalo? Do you find that your neighbor, who’s always running out of something, rushes out the door as soon as you bring up something that’s been worrying you about work or your kids? That’s because of the four words – it’s all about them. If a person has no interest in getting to know you or about your life, he or she has another interest in you that is typically not to your benefit.
   • Discuss this issue with the other person and point it out when it happens.
3. Press for consistent communication. A person who is using someone else frequently won’t return phone calls, text messages and emails unless he or she wants to do so. When your communication happens at times of the other’s choosing, making you feel like Plan B, it’s a sign that you really are Plan B. Either that or you’re needed for something, such as being the designated driver for a semi-buddy’s bachelor party perhaps.
   • When this happens, explain that you find his or her behavior rude and ask that your communication is returned. If this doesn’t work, refuse to do whatever the person wants when he or she finally gets around to contacting you.
4. Explain that your opinion matters. Does the person in question take your needs and thoughts into consideration before making decisions? Or before making decisions for you? For instance, does your roommate assume you’ll be the one to drive everywhere, even though you have needs, too, such as saving money on gas and not adding miles to your car? If your desires, needs and opinions aren’t factored into the relationship, you’re getting the short end of the stick.
   • Tell the other person that you feel you’re being taken advantage of and taken for granted. Insist on discussing things before either of you make decisions that affect the other.
5. Confront evasiveness. You ask questions, but you don’t get answers. Or you don’t get clear answers. The whole time, in whatever situation, you’re uncomfortably trying to figure out exactly what’s happening and where things are going. It’s time to be direct. Ask your romantic partner why he always has some reason that you’re never invited to the Friday night dinner and drinks he has every week with his circle of friends and their significant others. Invite your business partner to lunch and discuss your concerns about the project that’s not materializing because he won’t reply to certain emails.
6. Counter comparisons and one-upmanship. Some people are insecure and seek to dominate others in an effort to feel better about themselves and their lives. They always have a much better version, brand, method, experience, etc. These types are often “with” you romantically or spend time with you platonically (to teach you the proper way to fold clothes and linens, for ex.) to boost their self-esteem; they use others for emotional benefits and gains.
   • If you notice this happening a lot, you might ask the other person why he or she wants to be around you if you, your things or the way you do things are clearly lacking in their opinion.
7. Pay heed to betrayal. True friendship, in which you each have the other’s best interests at heart, depends upon trust. “What we say here, stays here” either is or is not in the other’s vocabulary. If you cannot confidently confide in someone, be wary. If you cannot confidently confide in someone without the fear of judgment, don’t reveal it in the first place. Unfortunately, you typically have to learn this lesson the hard way – by having your confidence betrayed.
   • Nonetheless, you can decrease the chances of future damage by remembering who can and cannot be trusted and then not confiding in those people.

Striking a Balance

1. Cut back on how much you help. Do you find yourself running a lot of errands for your boss that are not in your job description, constantly babysitting your cousin’s children, bailing your son out of trouble every time you turn around, doing your “study” partner’s work just so you can be done? Do you cancel plans because the other person had a rough day and needs to talk? If you’re doing these types of things for someone on a regular basis – for free – consider yourself being taken advantage of, unfortunately.
   • Unless they are doing as much for you, even if in other ways, pull back on your support. You will likely meet resistance, so kindly explain your reasons. It’s in their hands at that point.
2. Try to ensure that what's borrowed is returned. Rent is due in three days, but your friend still hasn’t returned the $300 you lent her three weeks ago. A colleague “borrows” an idea, then basks in the glory when others rave about his or her brilliance. If someone is constantly borrowing from you but not returning (or crediting) what’s borrowed, that person is, essentially, stealing from you right under your nose. Stealing from you and using you are on the same side of the coin, which is not heads up for you.
   • In the case of borrowed items, ask the person to return what’s been borrowed before you lend anything else. If nothing’s returned, don’t loan again.
   • In the case of borrowed ideas, decide if addressing the issue would create a bigger issue. If not, talk about it and in the future be careful about what you share and with whom.
3. Don’t spend more than you can afford on the other. Pull out your calculators and add up how much the person is costing you. Is your partner living with you for free, or only paying the utility bills, for instance? Do you find yourself always picking up the restaurant bill when you’re out with your family? If your final calculation reveals a high figure, at a minimum your relationship isn’t balanced (maybe right along with your checkbook). At the most, you’re being used, both financially and emotionally. Now decide what you can afford, or if you want to continue assisting the other person at all.
   • For the big things like living expenses, let the other person know what you’ve decided, why you made the decision and both how and when you will implement the changes.
   • For smaller things like picking up a bar tab, simply pay only your portion. If your friend conveniently “forgot” her wallet, the next time you meet for drinks slip in a sly, “Hey, don’t forget your wallet if you’re swapping purses again.”
4. Stop coming to their rescue so frequently. Now tally the number of dire emergencies, such as needing a truck to move furniture, that only you’re able to help with and the number of last minute but critical needs, such as pet sitting while the other person is on vacation, that only you can handle. Add to that the frequency at which the other is in the midst of some kind of drama and needs you, right now. Subtract how often he or she is there for you when you need someone to talk to or need help (particularly serious help), and the result will strongly correlate with whether or not you’re being used.
   • In fact, think back to the last time that person did you a favor without you asking. Or surprised you with a present, card or dinner.
   • Now determine if your return on investment, or ROI, is paying off for you.
5. Resist the desire to try harder. Because you feel a need to be in the relationship, you might find yourself working harder to make it work, in spite of being and feeling used. Often you do so much that you fail to take care of your own needs. At times you convince yourself that it doesn’t bother you because you love the person or you feel the person needs you. Yet this feeling is typically fleeting because healthy relationships require a give and take. Other times you feel stuck because it’s a relationship you can’t easily avoid, like those at work or even those with certain family members.
   • When you find yourself wanting to please the other person, write down what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling this way and if doing what you planned to do for the other person will a) take away from what you need, b) go unappreciated and c) fail to solve the problem.
   • If the answer to all three questions is yes, do something for yourself instead.
6. Discuss your feelings of resentment. When you recognize the imbalance in the relationship, and are no longer able to brush it off, you often begin feeling resentful. This may lead to feeling irritated with the other person. Depending upon your personality, that irritation can show itself in a variety of ways, some of which could result in consequences you may not want to pay, that could make you feel poorly about yourself or cause you to live with regret.
   • To avoid reaching this point, talk calmly in a neutral environment with the other person about how you’re feeling resentful. And, remember: It may not go the way you want, but it wasn’t going well prior to the discussion, either.

Tips

• Listen to your gut. Sometimes when your head is telling you one thing and your heart another, you should probably go with your instincts.
• To find out if someone is using you for money, cut him or her off. If you don’t see the person anymore, you have your answer.
• Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. If you’re being mistreated, you have the right to let the person not only know you realize it but also that you won’t tolerate it in the future.
• Remember your value and worth. If a person continues to use you, don’t be afraid to walk away.
• Learn from your experiences so you don’t allow another person to use you, or so you can see it coming first.

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Sources and Citations

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See also

• Cope with the End of a Long Friendship
• Overcome Hatred from Others
• Change Someone Else's Behavior
• Avoid Conflict
• Determine Why Someone Is Treating You Poorly
• Deal With Impossible People
• Stop Being a People Pleaser
• Deal With Beggars Asking You for Money
• Ignore People You No Longer Wish to Be Around
• Tell Someone to Stop Flirting With You

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