Tolerate Those You Have a Personality Clash With

It can be difficult living or working with people who have very different personalities or beliefs from you. However, you should not treat any person who you can’t tolerate with disdain or intolerance. By giving the person a chance and avoiding destructive exchanges by acting with civility and respect, you can tolerate those persons with whom you have a personality clash.

Steps

Getting to Know the Person Better

  1. Identify your problem with the person. In many cases, a personality conflict arises because of expectations, differences of opinion, or some other underlying issue. Identifying what your problem is with a person may help you realize that your conflict is foolish, which in turn may help you build a positive relationship with the person.[1]
    • Consider if you’ve had a bad experience with the person, or if you’re relying on rumors or someone else’s conflict to inform your opinion on the other person.[1]
    • If you’ve had a legitimate problem with the person, addressing it can be the first step to resolving the issue.
  2. Take responsibility for your actions. You are in control your actions and many of the negative attitudes you harbor are influenced directly by you. By taking responsibility for your interactions with a person you can’t tolerate, you can begin to move forward in your relationship with the person.[2]
    • Negative thoughts cultivate negative actions. If you decide to give the person a legitimate chance, you may help cultivate positive changes in your interactions with them.[2]
    • For example, if you are in a meeting or in a class with this person and they start to speak, don’t immediately tune them out. Instead, listen closely and see the positive in their statements. If you can’t find anything, tell yourself it took a lot of courage to speak up.
  3. Consider the other person’s perspectives. Every person has their own perspectives and opinions that are formed based on their experiences. Consider where this person is coming from in their behaviors. By acknowledging that she perspectives that differ from yours can help you to give the person a chance.[3]
    • You cannot begin to shift your relationship with the person until you acknowledge that your truth is not the only or right view.
  4. Let go of your expectations. Conflict can begin with expectations of others. Letting go of unrealistic or negative expectations may not only help you change your attitude on the person, but could also sew the seeds of a more positive environment.[2]
    • Accept that no person is perfect. Imperfection adds character and letting go of any expectations of perfection will help you focus on the positive in others.[4]
    • If the person says something negative, consider it briefly and then let it go. Being negative can only cause further problems.[2]
  5. Accept the person as they are. Holding a grudges and dwelling on conflict will only exacerbate problems. Accepting the person as they are and letting go of conflict can help you to move on in your interactions.[2]
    • Acceptance can help remove negative attitudes towards the person and help you give the person a chance to redeem herself. It can also decrease stress and in your life.[4]
  6. See the positive qualities in the person. Holding on to negative thoughts and attitudes about another person is draining and if you constantly entertain them, they can become stronger. Learning to see the positive in any person may help to shift your relationship with her.[2]
    • Even the worst person has good qualities. It might take some time to recognize them, but being able to see the positive traits in a person can help you to give her a chance.
  7. Get to know the person. Ask the person if you can have a friendly conversation and exchange views with her. This kind of conversation can help you to understand her viewpoints and may provide you context or information that can change your opinion of her.
    • Ask your conversation mate lots of questions so that you have a chance to get to know them more than superficially.
  8. Be respectful and don’t debate with the person. Always be respectful of other person and don’t debate or fight with the person about his views or experiences. Being respectful and not arguing can give you the chance to consider his perspectives. You may find that even if you don’t agree with the person, that she isn’t as insufferable as you thought.[1]
    • Remember that you can learn from any conversation and arguing is counterproductive to moving on in your relationship.[3]

Avoiding Destructive Exchanges

  1. Determine the source of your conflict. Your conflict with an intolerable person likely arises from a difference of opinion or intolerance help you avoid situations where you’re likely to encounter the person’s offending behaviors.[5]
  2. Accept the difference and move on. Acknowledge that the other person clashes with you. This can help you move on from any situation in which you may encounter the person and not get irritated when you do see her.[5]
  3. Stay polite and professional. No matter how insufferable the person is, always remain polite and professional. Not only can disengaging keep a bad situation from escalating but will also cast you in a much more positive light.[2]
    • Always be polite to others, even if they aren’t to you. The truism “you win more bees with honey than vinegar” is something you can apply to any aspect of your life and relationships with other people. Leaving a bad impression on colleagues or friends because you lost your cool can have lasting consequences for you.[6]
    • Remember to extend civility because the person may be going through something about which you have no idea. This doesn’t legitimate bad behavior on their part, but it also doesn’t mean you have to rise to their aggression.[7]
    • You can’t control all situations or people, but you can choose how you’ll respond to them. Meeting the person with positivity will keep your attitude positive and may also result in a positive resolution to anything.[2]
    • For example, if someone sends you a nasty email, don’t react to it immediately. Draft a response and wait 24 hours to send it. Revisit the email the next day and you will likely tone down your response, which can keep a situation from escalating.
    • If something bad happens, such as losing your job, thank your employer for the opportunity and say “this is a change to find something better that I truly love.”
    • Taking this tactic can also let the other person think they’re in control of the situation, which you may need to do to avoid her further.[5]
  4. Limit contact with the person. If you are constantly exposed to the intolerable person, it can have significant impact on your attitude. Limiting or stopping contact with the person can help decrease the stress you experience in their presence.[5]
    • If you can’t remove a person from your life entirely, or you don’t want to hurt him, you can limit your exposure to him.[2]
    • You can also counteract the person’s negativity by pointing out the positive in what he says or does. This way, you don’t get drawn down his negative path.[2]
    • There are different ways to limit contact with the person. For example, if you are at a meeting or in a class, don’t sit near them or move if they are close to you. This also works in social settings.
    • If you have to engage with the person either professionally or personally, remember to keep the contact civil and polite. Keep what you say limited and watch that you don’t use any inflammatory language or statements that may be misinterpreted.
    • You can always cancel events or call in sick if you absolutely cannot handle dealing with the person in question.
  5. Get mediation from an independent person. If all other tactics to tolerate a person with whom you clash fail, have an independent person act as a mediator. This measure can help diffuse the situation and may find a more constructive and less destructive way for you to proceed in your relationship to the person.[1]
    • Mediators can be any authority figure such as a boss or a teacher.
    • It’s important that you not involve mutual friends to mediate. This could cause you to lose friends.

Tips

  • It is good to be kind, loving, soft, and gentle. It may seem hard, but this is sometimes better than more negative and/or permanent measures.
  • Recognize when positive measures may not work. You are ultimately the judge of your situation. Choose wisely before acting on impulse alone.

Warnings

  • If someone is repeatedly disrespectful, rude, threatening, or violent towards you then it might be better to solve the problem permanently.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-to-handle-personality-conflicts-at-work.html
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 2.5 2.6 2.7 2.8 2.9 https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200612/when-personalities-clash
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-to-handle-personality-conflicts-at-work.html
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200612/when-personalities-clash
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 5.2 5.3 http://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2012/09/14/how-to-deal-with-coworkers-you-cant-stand/
  6. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/amyanderson/2013/05/01/admitting-you-were-wrong-doesnt-make-you-weak-it-makes-you-awesome/
  7. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2012/09/14/how-to-deal-with-coworkers-you-cant-stand
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