Unspoil a Child

Most parents do not intend to spoil their children. It happens gradually: you give in to whining, you let chores go undone, or you buy too many toys and treats. However, there are some ways to teach your child how to start being grateful for what they have, and how behave well and work toward things that they really want. You’ll need to break old habits, be the adult, and teach gratitude and responsibility.

Steps

Breaking Old Habits

1. Identify spoiled behavior. Does your child regularly throw a tantrum or say mean things in order to get his way? Does she keep hounding you and asking for something even after you have said no? Does he act as if he expects things to always be his way, without ever having to do anything to earn it? Does she never say please or thank you for anything? All of these are the symptoms of spoiling.
2. Ask yourself how you might be contributing to your child’s spoiled behavior. There are many factors to consider, such as:
   • Are you afraid to say no to your child? Why? What happens when you do?
   • Do you find yourself regularly giving in to things you know you really should not?
   • Do you make a rule, a direction, or a give a punishment and then retract it if your child reacts negatively to it?
   • Do you frequently buy your child gifts that he or she does not need? Is it excessive? Has he or she become accustomed to this pattern?
   • If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are you have contributed to your child’s spoiled behavior. Your child has learned that you don’t like saying no to him, that you are inconsistent with rules and regulations, and that he doesn’t need to do anything special or even behave well in order to get what he wants.
3. Break the cycle of saying "yes" when you should say "no". It is simple, but this is an extremely hard habit to break. It is easier to give in to demands and avoid a tantrum. However, your child learns that he or she has the power of decision-making... not the adults.
   • When you start saying "no", be prepared for a big reaction. This is common. But if you give in to pleading, tantrums, or whines, the reaction will get worse and worse.
   • Once your children begin hearing “no,” they will become more accustomed to it. It is a fact of life that one cannot have everything, and either you teach your child that, or he or she goes into the world and has a much harder time of things.
   • Avoid lengthy explanations for saying no. You are in charge. There is nothing wrong with a short explanation, but do not get into lengthy discussions or you will give the impression that you are trying to convince the child rather than tell the child what the decision is.
     • For example, there is simply no way to convince a young child that he or she should not have ice cream for dinner. So do not go there.
     • Children will actually respect what you have to say more if you have good reasons for your decisions and you stick with them.
4. Get in tune with your child. This can be difficult for parents who work a lot, but knowing the routines and rules of caregivers can be important for un-spoiling a child. If you and your child have built a relationship without good interpersonal connection, healthy boundaries, and proper roles, it is time to start addressing this.
   • If you have a caregiver who doesn’t enforce any rules while watching your child, this is something you’ll need to address with the caregiver. You are asking them (and possibly paying them) to watch your child and essentially to be the authority figure while you are working. This takes work on their part, and you don’t want someone who is lazy and has no rules while being trusted with the care of your child.
   • Even while both you and your child are at home, do you know what he’s doing while he’s in his room? Do you check occasionally to find out? Does he have his own TV and video games in there, and start watching or playing without permission? You may want to put the TV and video games in a family room instead.
   • Does your child leave the house to play with neighbors without permission? If so, you’ll need to stop this behavior right away, because it shows he does not respect you as an authority figure and it can actually be dangerous for him. A parent needs to know where their child physically is at all times.
5. Start bargaining...intelligently. Every time your child asks for something, ask him to do something for you first. If he wants to go play with a neighbor, or wants to play video games, instead of just saying “go ahead,” ask him to clean up his room first, or to help you with the dishes or taking out the trash.
6. Make family time a priority. One of the biggest reasons children become spoiled is because parents feel guilty for not spending as much time with them as they could. Between your work and the child’s activities (soccer, dance, etc.) and everyone’s social lives, it can be hard to do things as simple as eating dinner together as a family.
   • You need to carve out time for you and your kids to spend together, whether it’s eating a meal or just relaxing and talking. Your kids should spend time with extended family (grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins) as well. Remember: jobs, activities, and friends may come and go, but your family relationships last a lifetime.

Being the Adult

1. Set the limits. Present your child or children with the guidelines for family life: the rules, expectations, chores, and so on.
   • Make clear where these rules are coming from. You are the adult, and you are helping everyone to become better. Rules help everyone know what is OK, and what is not. Explain that children do not have to like the rules, but they are expected to follow them.
2. Create clear, simple expectations. Include the when and how. Your child needs to know exactly what is expected. For instance, “I want you to throw dirty clothes in the clothes basket, not on the floor, every time you change,” and “I want you to put away what you’re playing with when you’re finished, before you start playing with something else.” You should always be as specific as possible.
3. Be consistent. Once you have set rules, stick to them. If you do not, your child will simply learn that you can be successfully challenged, ignored, or bargained with.
   • Don’t second guess yourself. If you said, “Only one cookie” then start to think another one would maybe be okay, stick with what you said first. Even if having two cookies really is no big deal, kids might think that they can challenge you about everything.
   • When a rule is violated, give the consequence -- no unnecessary discussion. If, for example, your child does not clean his room even though he or she is required to do so and even though you gave a warning, then simply apply the punishment.
4. Avoid empty threats. Do not threaten to give a punishment you cannot or will not follow through with. Eventually your child will "call your bluff" and believe that you will not follow through on any consequences.
   • If you’re not sure what an appropriate consequence for a certain behavior is, say that you need time to think of the consequence. Consequences should be appropriate to the misdeed. For instance, if your child is being forgetful with completing homework, but is spending lots of time on her iPad, take away the iPad until you see an improvement with completing the school assignments.
5. Do not give in to whining, complaining, begging or any other bad behavior. Once you have said “no” to something or given a punishment for a particular behavior, do not go back on your decision. Stay calm, even if your child makes a scene. If you never give in, your child will learn that these tactics no longer work.
   • In public, this strategy can feel embarrassing and stressful, but it’s still better than giving in to bad behavior. If you must, leave the location and deal with your child at home, but do not go back on your decision.
6. Involve other authority figures. Make sure that you and your spouse or partner are on the same page, and let grandparents, babysitters, and other caregivers know what you are doing. It’s better if these people do not undermine your efforts by giving into extreme whining, excusing bad behavior, or showering your child with gifts.

Teaching Gratitude and Responsibility

1. Teach manner words. “Please” and “Thank you” should have been taught early in your child’s developing vocabulary. If they weren’t, it’s never too late to start. A simple way to teach a child to use these words is to use them yourself.
   • Say, “You need to clean up your room, please” instead of “Clean up your room now!!”
   • When your child is given something, prompt them to say thank you by saying, “Now what do you say?”
   • Ask the other parent to help. If you made dinner, have your spouse say, “Thank you for making this, it’s very good… What do you say about dinner, kids?”
2. Make house rules for the whole family. When children are very small, it’s naturally fine to pick up after them. As early as possible, though, start teaching self-sufficiency and emphasizing the fact that every family member must contribute to the success of the household.
   • You might begin by teaching your child to pick up his or her toys after playing. As he or she grows, add additional expectations.
3. Be a role model. It won’t work to expect your child to work hard if you don’t work hard yourself. Make sure your child sees you working and knows that you are often taking care of chores and errands when you would prefer to be doing something else.
   • Be polite in public. Say “please” and “thank you” to store clerks and servers at restaurants when you are buying things or ordering a meal. Say “excuse me” if you bump into someone accidentally, or if you need to interrupt a conversation or get someone’s attention.
4. Tackle chores together. Bigger chores – cleaning one’s room, for example, or doing the dishes after a meal – can be overwhelming for children, so work together, at least at first. Doing so allows you to teach your child how to do chores properly. It also helps your them to feel more comfortable and capable.
5. Follow a chore schedule. You are more likely to be successful in having chores completed if you follow a schedule for completing them. Children are less likely to complain once they realize that, for instance, they will always be expected to clean their rooms on Sundays.
   • Also, teach them that chores come before fun. If they have a responsibility to take care of that day, but Jake across the street called to hang out and play ball, have them complete the chore first and then go out and play.
6. Teach patience. Children often struggle with patience, but they will be more successful in life if they learn that they need to wait and/or work for their rewards. Explain to your child that he or she cannot have what he wants immediately or all the time.
   • It can help to involve your child in planning something desirable, like a trip. Explain that you must first save a certain amount of money. Emphasize how much more rewarding the trip will feel because you waited and planned for it.
   • Let your child watch you not get everything you want right away. If you’re shopping and see a pair of jeans you like, but don’t think you should buy them, say, “Maybe I’ll just wait until they go on sale. I have other jeans that still look good.”
7. Emphasize non-material rewards. No matter what you can afford, it’s better not to buy your child everything he or she might want. In particular, try not to reward good behavior only with material items. Instead, reward your child with time spent together doing something fun.
   • Offer encouragement instead of gifts. If your child plays a great game of soccer, tell him how proud you are and how excited the coach was instead of buying a gift. If your child brings home an excellent report card, say you’re extremely proud, give her a hug, and offer to take her to a movie or to go on a bike ride together in the park instead of buying something.
8. Teach your child to work for certain things. If your child is particularly invested in acquiring a certain material thing that is not a necessary item, use it as an opportunity to teach the value of a dollar. Help your child earn money through chores and save it. For more expensive things, you can require that your child earn and save a percentage of the cost and you will pay for the rest when you can.
9. Ignore complaints about what other children have and do. When your child says “but the other kids have . . .” or “but my friends don’t have to . . .” tell your child that he or she must follow the rules of your family. Emphasize the fact that you are doing what you believe is best, and that he should be grateful for what he has, because some kids also have less.
10. Don’t apologize for setting limits or saying no. If you can’t buy your child something because you can’t afford it, there is no need to apologize. Simply tell them the truth: “I’d like to buy it for you, but I just can’t. Maybe for a special occasion, like your birthday.” Or mention that they could save up for the item themselves.
    • Don’t apologize for applying the designated punishment for a bad behavior. Consequences are part of life, and your child needs to learn that he can’t act however he wants all the time. Learning to obey house rules now will help him to be able to obey rules at work and to obey laws when he's an adult.
    • Save the apologies for when you've actually done something wrong (e.g. if you lost your temper and feel bad about it). Saying "no" isn't wrong; it's part of being a parent.
11. Count your blessings together. Even if you’re not a spiritual or religious family, there’s nothing wrong with saying out loud things that you are thankful for. Kids may tend to talk about their toys at first, but encourage them to also talk about having each other, their pets, their health, their house, and their food.
    • Volunteer to help those less fortunate. Find out ways you can volunteer at a local animal shelter, homeless shelter, or soup kitchen. Or, make a list of items and organize a donation drive to bring necessary things to people (or animals) in need. It will make your children feel good about helping, and also cause them to be more grateful for the things that they have.

Tips

• Understand that unspoiling a child is a gradual process. It takes time to spoil a child, and it will take time to teach new values and better behavior.
• Most children have natural impulses toward compassion and helping others. Cultivate these impulses by emphasizing how it feels good to make others feel good.
• Ask for help. You may need support, even if it’s just in the form of advice, from other experienced parents. Talk to your own parents, your spouse, parenting support groups, family therapists or social workers, or find a parent education class for more tips on becoming a better parent.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Deal with a Lazy Child
• Teach Kids About Compound Interest
• Help Children Learn
• Choose an Insect Repellent for Kids
• Teach Your Teen to Be a Good Employee
• Teach Kids Patience
• Choose Summer Childcare
• Do Spring Cleaning with Kids
• Organize a Diaper Bag
• Help Autistic Children with Echolalia

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