Accept Criticism With Grace and Appreciation

How do you deal with criticism? Many people find it difficult to avoid feeling hurt, defensive, or angry. Unfortunately, these reactions can cause you to respond in a way that only makes the situation worse and leaves you both feeling offended and unheard. Fortunately, there are ways of improving your ability to respond to criticism with grace and appreciation, which will help you become a better person and create more positive relationships in your life.

Steps

Practicing Acceptance and Staying Calm

1. Be mindful to avoid brash reactions. There's a reason "heat of the moment" is such a popular phrase. When we argue with people, there tends to be a lack of thoughtfulness and overall awareness going on, both of ourselves and the other person. Mindfulness can help you stay centered in your experience and non-judgmentally aware of the situation. This will help you gain clarity and freedom to choose how you respond.
   • Acknowledge your thoughts and emotional state. View thoughts from the perspective of an interested observer, without "buying into" them. Name your emotions without judging them. A single word description can be useful to get a handle on them. If you feel yourself getting worked up over what the person is saying, pay attention to the sensation of your breath flowing through your nostrils.
   • For example, if you start to feel yourself get irritated while the person is talking, take a moment to say "I'm feeling irritated" silently to yourself. This will help you stay in touch with your feelings.
   • Emotionally distance yourself from the moment by putting it into perspective. For instance, you’ve probably had to deal with criticism in the past and were able to work through feelings of hurt. You could also remember that in the grand scheme of things, this one criticism is a very short experience from which you can grow.
2. Practice deep breathing. Deep breathing stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system in your body, which is in charge of restfulness. Taking a few deep breaths, inhaling so that your stomach expands while your chest stays in place, is a quick and easy way to calm yourself using basic biology. You can do this right before you receive criticism in order to prepare yourself, such as a performance evaluation with your boss. You can also use this while you are receiving criticism, such as being disciplined by a parent, in order to help you deal with it more effectively and less defensively.
3. Engage in mild exercise. If you're able to get away from the argument for a little while, which is advisable, take that time to get your body moving. Aerobic exercise like jogging will provide mental benefits in areas ranging from stress and anxiety to self-esteem. Boosts in these areas will help you receive criticism from a less sensitive place.
4. Listen to music. Music listening is a safe and consistent method for regulating mood. Taking a break from the argument and listening to some of your favorite musical artists is a surefire way to alter your mood and come back to the situation with a fresh perspective. A fresh perspective can be crucial to accepting criticism without defensiveness.
   • For example, listen to a song that you love from a happy time in your life. This will bring pack positive memories and change how you are feeling.
5. Practice loving-kindness. Loving kindness is a form of meditative practice that has been shown to increase positive emotions and create openness toward other people. It's done by reciting a mantra, silently or out loud, wishing for peace and happiness, both for yourself and for other people.
   • As an example, you can say: May I be free from danger. May I be happy. May I be free from suffering. May my mind be healed. May I make friends with my body. May I dwell in peace. May I be at ease.
   • Repeat this mantra with the other person in mind, replacing "I" with the person's name.
   • You can alter this mantra for the situation, such as replacing "danger" with "hurt," "suffering" with "personal harm," and "healed" with "conflict-free."
6. Accept that you feel hurt. Acknowledging your experience of feeling hurt is the first step toward responding more carefully and with less ego involved. Rumination stems from failing to recognize our experience; like an open wound, we return to the feeling of hurt again and again until it's given the attention it needs. The words of a friend, family, or co-worker can hurt, and you shouldn't pretend that everything is okay if it isn't.
   • Try to distinguish between criticism that is intentionally hurtful and criticism that may bruise your ego but isn't a personal attack.

Responding Gracefully

1. Use humor to soften the mood. Studies show that humor can effectively help deflect criticism and improve social relations. A well-timed joke can derail an argumentative exchange and increase your rapport with the other person.
   • Joke about something that's present to you both and will distract from the hostility, such as the weather or something funny about the room.
   • Make sure the joke isn't at the other person's expense!
2. Try fogging. Fogging is an assertive communication technique that allows you to give a little ground without giving too much. You can use this to let the other person know that you're willing to take an honest look at yourself and not block their criticism out completely, even if you disagree with it overall.
   • Example: If the person says you're always late to meetings, you can reply with yes, I was late to the meeting yesterday.
3. Admit fault. You can use "negative assertions" if the person has a genuine point about your behavior and you want to let them know that you agree with the specific criticism, without allowing the criticism to define you as a person. Admitting fault doesn't have to reflect on you as a person, especially if you recognize the behavior is negative and have a desire to change.
   • Example: If you are frequently late to meetings, you can say yes, I've been late to a lot of meetings recently. I'm sorry about that. I'll try to be on time from now on.
4. Ask open-ended questions. One way to make sure people recognize your integrity and grace is to ask them if they have any other criticisms you could address together. This shows your willingness to be honest with yourself as well as your lack of need to be defensive, because you accept yourself even if you have critics, because you can see them as opportunities for improvement
5. Remove yourself from the situation. Sometimes, the most graceful method of dealing with hostile criticism is to leave the room. This will allow the other person to cool down and protect yourself from danger. Defending yourself by avoiding challenges can be just as productive and healthy as facing them, under the right circumstances.

Appreciating Criticism

1. Separate yourself from the criticism. Although your behavior is certainly a big part of who you are, it isn't everything and doesn't point to everything you're capable of doing. Think about great artists, athletes, musicians, and business people who started out small and may have been rejected at first. Your sense of self doesn't need to depend entirely on your current or past behavior.
   • Instead of taking criticism as a personal attack on your worth as a person, think of it as localized to the particular action being discussed. If you're being criticized for writing a bad essay, consider the fact that with practice you could write a better essay. Accept the criticism without over-generalizing.
2. Hear the person out. Be generous about the other person's intent. They may actually want to offer constructive criticism and help you do a better job in the future. After hearing them out, you can assess whether their intentions are good or if they're simply attacking you. If it's an attack, you can simply disregard what they're saying.
   • Avoid taking "good" criticism personally. Receiving constructive criticism is actually an important part of learning how to improve your abilities. For example, if you are taking an English class and the teacher points our an error in your writing, thank her for her input, which will help you become a better writer.
   • Research shows that the ability to be vulnerable is tied to being successful and happy. Being willing to listen to criticism is an important form of vulnerability.
3. Do better next time. If the criticism is targeted toward a specific behavior and you do see room for improvement, be thankful for the attention brought to your performance, so that you can correct the mistake. Criticism can actually contain gifts that lead to a better version of yourself, even if the person's intentions aren't kind.
   • Be patient with yourself. Self-improvement can be a powerful force in your life, but self-compassion is an essential component to positive growth.
4. Use the experience to grow. Practice makes perfect, so consider this experience an opportunity to hone your criticism-handling skills. Thank the person for giving you an occasion to practice the behaviors listed in this guide.
   • Only thank the person if it's genuine! Sarcasm may feel satisfying in the moment, but it's a hostile mode of communication that's frequently perceived as negative and can create additional friction between you.

In this video from LifesOneLaw, Philip C. Agrios, DC, DACBSP, shares his insights on how to cope with criticism and accept constructive criticism in a helpful manner.

Tips

• Ego is the killer for your success. If you accept criticism, you will improve.
• Give yourself some slack if you don't master the art of accepting criticism with grace and appreciation the first time around. Criticism often brings up early childhood experiences of feeling inadequate, so you're actually time-traveling back to your younger and more vulnerable self when someone criticizes your behavior.

Warnings

• If you are being consistently attacked, bullied, or verbally abused, you may want to take greater self-protection measures, such as reporting the person to a higher authority (manager/boss, teacher, or even the police).
• Don't retaliate, which only feeds the cycle! Instead, ask yourself why they might be upset with you, if the criticism is laced with hostility and anger.

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Sources and Citations

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