Keep Your Cool when You Are Criticized

It’s not always easy to remain calm when you’re the recipient of criticism, be it constructive or destructive. When you are criticized, you might feel embarrassed or misunderstood. Or, you might even be upset that another person is judging you. No matter how you feel, you need to keep your composure and accept the feedback for what it is – another person’s opinion and nothing more. Fortunately, there are some techniques to help you accept criticism and remain calm.

Steps

Controlling Your Response to Criticism

  1. Avoid a non-assertive response. Being aware of your non-assertive response to criticism is important because these behaviors are likely not acceptable, just as a violent response is unacceptable. If you notice any of these behaviors after receiving criticism, pause, remove yourself from the situation if possible, and calm down until your responses have stopped.[1]
    • Becoming defensive
    • Withdrawing
    • Internalizing anger and stewing over the criticism
    • Shutting down
    • Retaliating with anger or blame
  2. Respond assertively. Ideally, you’ll respond assertively to criticism, the most balanced response possible, meaning that you can distinguish between constructive and destructive criticism and respond appropriately. Rather than get defensive, place blame, yell at the other person, or turn the blame back to them, you accept the criticism for what it is and move on with no negative feelings.[2]
    • Responding assertively doesn’t mean that you agree with the criticizer. Rather, it means you don’t have an emotional attachment to the criticism and respond appropriately.[3]
    • If the criticism is constructive and valid, your assertive response might simply be to accept the criticism or to accept it and openly agree with the other person, which shows self-confidence and willingness to change your behavior.
    • Another assertive response is to ask, “why do you say that?” in a non-accusatory way. This indicates a genuine interest in their thought process and how you’re being received.
    • You might also disagree and say, “No, I do not always forget to empty the recycle bin, although I do forget on occasion. Not always, though.” This shows that you take responsibility for your actions, but not sweeping generalizations.
  3. Agree with all, part, or none of it. You are under no obligation to accept criticism. However, you might find there is a kernel of truth in what was said, you might actually agree with everything that was said, or none of it. As long as you’re being honest with yourself about the content of the criticism, these are perfectly legitimate responses.[4]
  4. Listen and ask questions. Listen to what the other person has to say – they might offer an insight or perspective that you hadn’t considered. Pay attention to what they’re saying, not the tone of their voice, and don’t tune them out because you’re uncomfortable being criticized. After they’ve spoken, ask follow up questions to clarify any points that you might be confused about. This demonstrates that you earnestly listened and are considering what was said.[5]
    • Make sure that your questions aren’t antagonistic or designed to prove the speaker wrong.
  5. Don’t take it personally. Usually criticism is constructive and not intended to hurt the recipient. Don’t take the criticism personally – it isn’t a character attack. Instead, understand that it’s likely addressing a specific action or behavior or yours, and doesn’t reflect on you as a person.[6]
    • One great technique is to look for the positive. Whether the criticism is valid or not, there is always something positive to be found. Say your boss criticizes you for not arranging the files in a way that they think makes sense. Sure, hearing that might feel rotten, but rather than take it personally, look for the positive – you get to develop an even better filing system that will universally work for everyone.
    • Another good way to not take criticism personally is to turn the meat of the criticism into “if” language. Ask yourself what the main point of the criticism was. Then, ask, “if” this were true, for example, if it were true that you were always late, how could you improve the situation? This allows you to emotionally distance yourself from the criticism and tackle the actual issue, if there is one.

Growing from Criticism

  1. Summarize the criticism. Don’t focus on the tone in which you were spoken to or even everything that was said. Instead, try to summarize the criticizer’s main points. What were they ultimately getting at? Do any of those points resonate with you once you boil them down to their most basic parts? Summarizing the criticism allows you to react calmly while ensuring that you heard everything that was said.[7]
  2. Address the problem and correct misunderstandings. When you receive criticism, you need to address the problem by acknowledging that there has been a misunderstanding, agreeing completely with the other person, or disagreeing and looking for a sort of compromise. Whatever you do, remain calm and don’t pretend the conversation never happened. Face the criticism head on, without emotion, and put it behind you.[7]
    • One common method to remain cool when criticized is to acknowledge true statements that have been made, and to correct or clarify incorrect information. This shows that you’re engaged in the conversation, listening, and taking ownership for that which you’re responsible.
  3. Don’t let criticism stop you. Criticism is a tool meant to help a person modify their behavior or action, and nothing more. If you are criticized, it’s normal to feel uncomfortable, or even angry or confused. But don’t let it stop you. This is one person’s perspective, right or wrong, and nothing more. Take what you can from it, learn what you’re able, and continue carrying on.[8]
  4. Admit when you’re wrong. If you’re criticized and believe that the other person is right, say so. Let them know that you’ve listened to them, heard them, processed what they said, and are taking ownership of your mistake. This is an incredibly effective method for keeping cool when criticized as well as descalating any emotions.[9]
    • You don’t have to agree with everything that they say. You might only think that you’re wrong about one point – say so.
  5. Treat it as a learning experience. Receiving criticism can feel awful, and sometimes it can lead to feelings of self-doubt. Treat criticism as an opportunity for growth and as a learning experience, though. Maintain your self-esteem and look at the situation as an opportunity to learn from your mistakes. Criticism, when constructive, is meant as a helpful tool, not at an attack, and should be treated as a positive learning experience.[4]
    • It’s not always easy to separate yourself from a situation enough to find the positive. Before you react, step back, calm down, and try to objectively evaluate the situation. This should help you see it in a more positive light.

Considering the Source

  1. Consider who has criticized you. Is this person of significance to you? Are they a friend, family member, colleague, employer, clergy member, or professor? Do they hold some type of authority over you? Decide if you think this person is in the right position to offer you criticism. If you don’t believe that they are, remain calm, thank them for their opinion, and walk away.[10]
    • If the other person does hold a position of authority over you, you might be put in a position of having to agree, or at least not disagree with them.
  2. Set boundaries. You might have a person in your life that belittles you or regularly criticizes you. They aren’t offering constructive feedback, but are trying to chip away at your self esteem. This person is toxic to you and probably isn’t telling you anything worthwhile. Set boundaries and decide on your response if those boundaries are crossed.[11]
    • Whether this person is a friend, family member, or colleague, you have the right to choose who is in your life. If someone is criticizing you baselessly, you might consider that they aren’t a healthy influence for you.
  3. Put yourself in their shoes. Try to imagine the other person’s perspective and get a feel for why they might perceive your actions or behavior as they have. Do they work in a different part of the company, only interacting with you on the phone? Or perhaps they always drive the vehicle immediately after you and always see it dirty. You still might not agree with what they have to say, but trying to imagine the situation from their point of view is helpful and may clear up misunderstandings.[12]

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Assertmodule%207.pdf
  2. ↑ http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/assertiveness-techniques.html
  3. ↑ http://www.provetccg.com.au/Articles/TabId/191/PostId/10/how-to-assertively-and-appropriately-deal-with-criticism.aspx#.V3RklDV4jko
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://www.positivelypresent.com/2013/09/how-to-handle-criticism-positively.html
  5. ↑ http://www.businessperform.com/workplace-communication/constructive_feedback.html
  6. ↑ http://greatist.com/happiness/how-handle-criticism-pro
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052702303753904577452330484680636
  8. ↑ http://zenhabits.net/criticism/
  9. ↑ http://gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2011/02/8-tips-for-dealing-calmly-with-criticism/
  10. ↑ http://theeverygirl.com/how-to-handle-negative-criticism
  11. ↑ http://www.practicalspirituality.info/10-Tips-for-Coping-with-Criticism.html
  12. ↑ http://www.planetofsuccess.com/blog/2011/developing-empathy-walk-a-mile-in-someone%E2%80%99s-shoes/
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