Accept and Deal with People Labeling You as a Lesbian

It can be difficult to confront and deal with someone calling you a lesbian, whether you identify that way or not. Ignoring stereotypes, staying calm and safe, and learning to cope with negativity can be constructive ways to deal with the label. If you need to confront or engage with the person directly, it can be helpful to express yourself clearly and assertively, as well as educate the other person. Taking time to build up your self-confidence can also be effective in dealing with the label.

Steps

Choosing Constructive Actions

  1. Ignore stereotypes. You could be labeled as a lesbian because you don’t fit in with stereotypes people have about women, or because you do fit in with stereotypes people have about lesbians. How you express yourself, what you wear, and what activities you enjoy are up to you.[1] Ignore the many stereotypes about women that you may not conform to, even if they might contribute to people labeling you.[2] Remember that:
    • Women aren’t weak.
    • Women can play any sports just as well as men, and this doesn’t mean they’re lesbians.
    • Women don’t have to be submissive or quiet.
    • Women don’t have to be pretty and slender to be feminine.
    • Women can be leaders.
  2. Stay calm. In moments of conflict when you’re confronted with being called a lesbian, check-in with your body. Notice any tight sensations or difficulty breathing.[3]
    • If you want to Relieve-Stress quickly in the moment to avoid a fight or a confrontation, focus on your senses. For example, you may focus on sound by putting your headphones on to listen to your favorite song. Or you may focus on movement by getting up to go for a walk. You could also try focusing on touch by giving yourself a quick neck or shoulder rub.[4] Deep breathing is easy to do and effective as well. It helps activate the body's calming response.[5]
    • If the stress of the label is getting to you more than just in the moment, practice self-care and stress management regularly. Try talking to someone who is supportive and who listens well. Take care of yourself well by getting around seven to nine hours of sleep every night, exercising 20 to 30 minutes a day, and eating regular, healthy meals. Avoid using alcohol or other drugs to mask your stress and frustration.[6][7]
  3. Cope with negativity. You may display signs of anger, hurt feelings, or confusion because of someone calling you a lesbian. However, despite your response, some people may continue to bully you, label you, and remain ignorant.
    • Know when to move on. Some people may never be able to understand or accept who you are.[3] Therefore, you may have to cut down on your interactions with this person or avoid the person entirely to avoid being labeled.
    • Stand up for yourself, but remember that you can’t change someone’s beliefs or opinions.
    • Choose your battles. Make sure fighting the label is really worth your time and energy, particularly if the other person is not going to agree with you.[3]
    • Forgive and understand where the other person is coming from. Holding a grudge will only be more draining.[3] Be compassionate and realize that them labeling you may come from their own insecurities about sexuality or gender.
  4. Stay safe. If the person who is labeling you becomes increasingly aggressive or starts to bully you, be sure to have other people nearby. Make sure others are aware of the situation.
    • Keep your cell phone with you at all times. If the person starts coming towards you and threatens your physical safety, dial 911 right away and try your best to secure your safety. Move yourself to a safe location.
    • For example, you may want to have a few friends nearby to back you up or you may tell a school administrator what’s been going on.[8]
  5. Surround yourself with positive people. If someone continues to label you as a lesbian and ignore how it’s making you feel, limit the time you’re around them or avoid them entirely. Focus on building relationships with good friends, which will improve your resiliency in times of stress and help you better cope with negativity and labels.[9]
    • Choose-the-Right-Friends who accept you for who you are. Good friends will be objective, encouraging, and non-judgmental. They’ll listen and may even be able to provide you with new ways of looking at the situation.[10] Work on cultivating your relationships with people who genuinely care about you and support you.
    • Explore clubs and groups that are more in line with your interests. This will get you involved with people who hopefully share similar views as you, or people who are more accepting.[11]

Dealing With Individuals

  1. Ignore the rumor. Show whoever started labeling you as a lesbian that it doesn’t bother you. Try not to give in to it. The people who started the rumor likely want to get a rise out of you, so when you don’t react they may get tired and let it go.[12]
    • Avoid engaging them on social media.
    • Walk away when you hear them calling you a “lesbian” or talking about you.
    • Use humor by laughing or rolling your eyes whenever you hear about it.
  2. Express yourself. Sometimes ignoring doesn’t work because your feelings are hurt or the label is starting to affect your relationships with others. You’ll need to directly let them know your feelings, but it can be helpful to practice what you’re going to say first. Practice in the mirror or talk with a trusted friend. When you do talk with them, you’ll want to be assertive:
    • Express your needs.[13] For example, you might say, “I need you to stop calling me a lesbian” or “I need to know why you’re calling me a lesbian.”
    • Express your emotions.[13] You can say, “I am confused and angry as to why you keep saying this, but I want to understand where you’re coming from.”
    • Avoid blaming or name-calling yourself, such as saying “You’re such a jerk for calling me a lesbian.”
    • Ask for clarification and try to understand their opinions and feelings.[13] You can ask, “Are you saying you’re calling me a lesbian because of the way I dress and who I hang out with? Is that it?”
    • Be firm and show you’re serious.[13] You might say, “I need you stop telling people I’m a lesbian. If you don’t, I will go to our manager.”
  3. Educate the other person. Whether or not you are a lesbian, the other person needs to know why what they’re saying is offensive. Take the opportunity to educate and inform them about issues of sexuality and gender. You can say or point out the following:
    • You can’t determine sexual orientation by the way you dress, what you do, or how you talk.[14]
    • Stereotyping hurts both women and men, regardless of sexual orientation.
    • Being a woman with more masculine traits does not mean you are a lesbian.[15]
    • Sexual experimentation is normal and does not necessarily define you as gay, straight, or bisexual.[15]
    • Gender and sexuality exist on a spectrum.[16]
  4. Choose what you want to share. You may or may not want to be clear about your preferences with others. Your sexual preferences are your business, but other people may be confused by you. It may be helpful to be clear and direct with them, but this is a matter of choice and if you feel safe.[17]
    • If you are straight, you might say, “I prefer dating men, actually, but I do support my lesbian and gay friends. Just because I do doesn’t mean that I’m gay, but that I try to be more accepting of people.”[18]
    • If you are a lesbian, bisexual, or questioning, but don’t want them labeling you that way, you might say, “People’s sex life, to me, is a very private matter. I feel it’s not appropriate to broadcast details of one’s sex life. To me, it just seems tacky, so I don’t feel comfortable discussing my sex life with anyone.”
    • If you do identify as a lesbian or bisexual, and are comfortable with this identity, you might say, “Actually, I am a lesbian, but you should know it’s not okay to make assumptions about someone’s sexuality. It’s not okay to out someone.”
  5. Ask for help if you need it. It can be awkward and difficult to deal with this situation on your own. If the labeling continues despite efforts to calmly talk to them or educate them, consider recruiting help.
    • If you’re still in high school, your school counselor should be able to provide help, peer mediation, or a support group to help you and the other person talk this through.
    • If you’re in college, many campuses have an LGBT resource center that can be a good source of information for LGBT individuals and allies. They may be able to provide you with resources and ways to talk to the person who is calling you a lesbian.
    • If you’re in a workplace setting, you may want to consult Human Resources or your supervisor.

Building Your Self Confidence

  1. Spend time with good friends. Maintain friendships with people who make you feel safe. Seek out friends who are understanding, accepting, and supportive of who you are. Spend time with friends who help you reach your goals, reduce your stress, and boost your self confidence.[19]
    • Keep in mind to avoid friends who don’t share with you, who don’t respect you, or who focus more on their own problems than getting to know you.[19]
    • Watch out for friends who demean you or belittle you. Avoid friends who gossip about you or spread the lesbian label.
  2. Think-Positively. Avoid focusing too much on the label and all the stress or conflict it may be bringing you. Reframe your thinking and encourage yourself for who you are.
    • Challenge negative thoughts.[20] Instead of thinking, “This will never stop” you might think to yourself, “I can deal with this and it won’t last forever.”
    • Avoid bullying yourself.[21] Don’t say to yourself, “I should just give up. They’re never going to leave me alone. I may as well just give into the rumors.” Try to remind yourself, “I am okay with who I am, even if they’re not.”
  3. Focus on your strengths. Your sexuality is just one part of you, whether or not you agree with the label. Pay more attention to your overall strengths as a person. Focusing on your strengths will increase your happiness and improve your self-confidence.[22]
    • Engage in activities that make you feel more confident or competent.
    • Write down what you like most about yourself.
    • Build new strengths by trying new activities or volunteering.
  4. Learn-to-Accept-Yourself. Be comfortable with yourself, whether you're a lesbian or not. It is okay to be a lesbian and it's okay to be more masculine than feminine. Feeling like you have to hide who you are because of a lesbian label could make you feel worse about yourself and will be exhausting.[23]
    • Look for powerful female role models who may not fit the traditional idea of what a woman is supposed to be like. For example, Serena Williams, Danica Patrick, Hillary Clinton, or Lady Gaga.[24]
    • Look for strong lesbian role models if you are a lesbian or are questioning your sexuality. For example, Ellen DeGeneres, Rachel Maddow, or Ellen Page.
    • Remember that becoming aware of and accepting your sexual identity can take time.[15]
  5. Choose-a-Mental-Health-Counselor-or-Psychotherapist. Attending counseling sessions is a great way to resolve tough life situations. Counseling can help you build skills to be more assertive. If being called a lesbian when you’re not is really bothering you and you’re having trouble coping with the situation, a counselor can help you Cope-With-Emotional-Pain and Become-Stronger-Emotionally.

Tips

  • Homophobia is unacceptable, whether mistaken or not. In responding to the rumor, don't contribute to homophobia.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sexual-orientation-gender/gender-gender-identity
  2. ↑ http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/15910/1/List-of-Gender-Stereotypes.html
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
  4. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-relief-in-the-moment.htm
  5. ↑ http://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/relaxation-techniques-breath-control-helps-quell-errant-stress-response
  6. ↑ https://www.uhs.uga.edu/stress/wellnesslifestyle.html
  7. ↑ https://sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-works/how-much-sleep-do-we-really-need
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201309/ten-keys-handling-unreasonable-difficult-people
  9. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm
  10. ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/245269
  11. ↑ http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/people-think-im-gay-im-not
  12. ↑ http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/rumor-control-%E2%80%94-she-gay
  13. ↑ 13.0 13.1 13.2 13.3 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/effective-communication.htm
  14. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sexual-orientation-gender/sexual-orientation
  15. ↑ 15.0 15.1 15.2 http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/sexual-orientation.html#
  16. ↑ https://www.genderspectrum.org/quick-links/understanding-gender/
  17. ↑ http://www.northeastern.edu/careers/lgbtq-students/common-work-related-questions/
  18. ↑ http://hrc-assets.s3-website-us-east-1.amazonaws.com//files/assets/resources/Supporter_Guide_April_2014.pdf
  19. ↑ 19.0 19.1 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/how-to-make-friends.htm
  20. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950?pg=2
  21. ↑ http://life.gaiam.com/article/positive-thought-strategies-help-you-achieve-your-goals
  22. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/functioning-flourishing/201411/ten-reasons-focus-your-strengths
  23. ↑ http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/publications-a-z/730-i-think-i-might-be-lesbian-now-what-do-i-do
  24. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/2010/07/17/role-model-oprah-winfrey-angelina-michelle-obama-forbes-woman-power-women-jk-rowling.html
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