Act Like a Pirate
In today's unsettling times, why not be a pirate? Read on to find out how!
Contents
Steps
- Dress like a pirate. Here are some ideas:
- Cut off the bottoms of all your pants.
- Find a puffy shirt and wear it all the time. If it was originally white, it should turn a nice beige/taupe color. Add a contrasting sash. If your job forbids you to openly dress like a pirate, wear the pirate gear under your business suit. Just make sure that you wash to shirt sometimes. Maybe once a month or so. Also, keep up your personal hygiene too!
- Get into the habit of wearing an eye patch. If at all possible, switch eyes every day so that you don't strain your eye.
- Get a piercing on one ear and wear a small hoop earring in it. For accuracy, go to a professional to get your ear pierced.
- Go to the tanning salon often, or at least during the winter when the sun can't tan your skin. Pirates have well-baked skin, so you should to!
- Talk like a pirate. Use the following words as a part of your regular language: matey, booty, "argh", savvy, buried treasure, plank, scoundrel, plunder, etc. Talk low, gravelly voice. To sound like a pirate, you have to sound at least little bit parched and raspy. Instead of arguing with naysayers, request a parlay and insist that they "keep to the code."
- Walk like a pirate. Have a pirate-like swagger in your step.
- Eliminate some pirate policies. You don't have to follow every rule in the book. For example, don't bother with a real parrot. Visit your local taxidermist and see what they have. Anything with feathers will do.
- Do your research. Read about real pirates and know trivia so when others ask you questions, then nobody doubts that you really know about pirates.
- Be yourself. You would seem wacky if you usually wear straight hair and all of a sudden you have dreadlocks! Pirates can have different personalities, even though most are tough.
- Get a few friends and make a pirate crew! If possible, get a ship (maybe a raft) sail together, make maps, and even bury "treasure"!
Tips
- To really be taken seriously as a pirate, you need to encourage others (friends, family, your local shopkeeper) to become a pirate and join you on the high seas. Bank managers, lawyers, police officers, stock brokers, and teachers also make excellent pirates.
- Get a pirate's hat.
- The Pirates of the Caribbean series is a good place to pick up tips, though it is a modern interpretation. Especially watch scenes with Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain Hector Barbossa in them, as they are good for inspiration.
- People will doubt you if you are not 100% committed to the pirate lifestyle. See if you can borrow a boat from your local marina. At the very least, you can carry an oar about with you.
- Note: the tip said "oar" and not "paddle" in the previous tip. The latter is a dead giveaway that you're not quite pirating.
- More authentic scenes can be seen in Roman Polanski's Pirates, 1986.
Warnings
- Real piracy is illegal almost everywhere. It was, until very recently, theoretically punishable by death in the UK. Be careful!
- Pirates carry swords and sometimes pistols. However that is illegal in mainland Europe (US laws vary by state), but toy guns and swords work great to get around the laws. It is also not recommended that you replace any limbs with wood or hooks.
- Tanning salons are dangerous. No tan is a safe tan. They burn your skin to a crisp to turn it brown. Tanning can make your skin, as it ages, look like your grandmother's leather handbag.
- Wearing an eye patch will weaken your eye. If you must wear one, switch them from eye to eye every day.
