Annoy Your Friends on Facebook

Facebook is a public forum that is meant principally for networking. If that's a little too ordinary and unexciting for you, perhaps livening things up by annoying your Facebook Friends appeals to you. To annoy all of your 439 besties, there are a few things you can do to get on their nerves. Be obnoxious, invasive, give people more than they want to know, and show the world why you’re such a big deal, and you can have Facebook Friends deserting you in droves!

Steps

Overkill

  1. Treat Facebook like Twitter. Keep adding updates on the most mundane things, such as, “I just woke up,” “I’m tired,” “This oatmeal tastes like garbage,” “My dog is barking right now.” Assume that people want to know every second of your life—don’t hold back. If you’re on the toilet, bring your computer along and share it with the world. After all, nothing brings Facebook Friends closer than sharing bowel movements and eating habits.
  2. Post every single Spotify track to which you are listening, especially if you have a niche musical taste. Telling the world what you just listened to on Spotify is no different than driving around with your car radio cranked up and your windows down -- advertising how Awesome your 'taste' in music is will not impress people.
  3. Post every music video you watch on YouTube.
  4. Update how much you love your significant other. Constantly mention things such as, “Stacey is the greatest gf in the world,” or “You rock my socks, Jake!”, or "JC and I are soooooooo in love!" This will make all your single friends annoyed that they aren’t in a relationship and they'll soon feel like you’re rubbing it in their face. Try to be cheesy and unrealistic when it comes to saying why you love your significant other so much.
    • If you don’t have a real partner, write down how much you love your worldly gadgets, such as, “OMG! I LOVE MY NEW IPHONE/IPAD/ITHINGY!” Rub it in everyone’s face that they don’t have the spare funds to get their own widget or "latest gadget." Act like a big shot and prepare to show off.
  5. Post timely statements frequently and regularly. Exclaim your desire or demand for coffee every morning, or proclaim "TGIF" every Friday, because your Friends will be thankful for the reminder that it's Friday.
  6. Make sure to comment on every single entry, no matter how irrelevant your opinion.
  7. Update your Profile Picture frequently. Try doing the 'duckface' or taking pictures of random objects.

Hassling your Friends

  1. Send your friends game requests!
  2. Update about Mob Wars, Farmville/Cityville, and other Facebook applications. Did you level up? Did you find a little, lost, abandoned, black sheep? If so, tell people about it. Expand by asking your Friends to help you get that hot air balloon on Farmville or to help your crops grow while you’re out of town. They’ll love you for it.
  3. Invite your Friends to as many causes and groups as you can find. It may be “Help 1,000 People Get Rice” or “Raise Awareness for Cancer,” but whatever it is, invite people every day to causes that are near and dear to your heart.
  4. Oblige everyone to repost your postings. Complain when they don't; say something whiny like "I repost your posts, why aren't you doing the same for me?"
  5. Post a note or upload a picture and to make sure no one will miss it, tag every single person in your Friend list on it.
  6. Use mass messaging instead of creating events to invite people for an occasion.

Bad Writing

  1. Abuse upper and lowercase letters. Upper and lowercase every other letter. It doesn’t matter what you type about, just utilize this method as much as possible. It’ll take forever for your Friends to decode, especially if you write long-winded paragraphs on their walls. Or, SHOUT all the time and act like you haven't a clue why it's annoying.

Forgetfulness

  1. Pretend to lose your phone or contact lists every other day and ask for your Friends' numbers each time. To take it up a notch, send mass messages out asking for everyone’s numbers. That way, whenever someone replies, your Friends get notification after notification with something that has nothing to do with them.
  2. Paste song lyrics without giving credit or context.

Narcissism Central

  1. Every time your Friends are online, contact them through Facebook chat. Once they respond, ask them how they are, but keep the conversation slow by explaining what you did today. Don’t talk about anything significant—just bring back the old days of AIM.
  2. Proclaim how your baby is the most unique, gifted, and intelligent baby in the world. Nobody else's baby is nearly as smart or as beautiful or as unique as yours. Make certain to also allow your entire existence to be defined and validated by your new baby, because he or she is certain to be your best friend for the rest of your life. Set your baby's photo (which looks identical to any other baby ever born) as your profile picture.
  3. Express your political dogma several times a day. Be sure to include links to non-credible biased sources.
  4. Sell, sell, sell! Start a new business from home. Create a Facebook page and add all of your friends to the page or send out multiple invites and constantly remind everyone to "like" your page. Constantly use your personal page to promote your business. Say things such as: "Working out hard at the gym today. Want to see results like these message me and like my Herba Life sales rep page." Send constant updates about webinars, price changes, competitions, one new product an hour, etc.

Complaints Department

  1. Post vague and passive-aggressive complaints about another person for the rest of your Friends to see. After all, where's the fun in confronting the actual person when you can play the victim before everyone else instead?
  2. Exclaim how much you can't stand when people complain about something on Facebook. Your Friends will especially enjoy the fact that you are complaining about complaining.

Facebook Friends-free Style

  1. Expect a much more "manageable" number of Facebook Friends. That was your aim, right?



Tips

  • Make a Facebook page for your dog (or other pet) and only talk to people through your pet's page about the pet's interest.
  • Post pictures of all your food - and preach about how well you eat.
  • Use terms like "besties" to describe your friends, and never refer to them as anything other than "besties."
  • Every time you get a first date, change your status from "single," post pictures, and gush on and on about how you miss them while they're at work. Then when they don't call again, you can post for several weeks about your heartbreak and how people are just not considerate any more these days.
  • Write vague or somewhat dire status updates so people will interact with you by asking you what you mean or what's wrong. You'll know who your real friends are who will always be there to continually cheer you up.
  • If you're mad at someone, remove them from your Friends list. If you reconcile, add them back. You get brownie points if you do this with your significant other.
  • Did you just get married? Post about your wedding every day; you won't get tired of this for months!
  • Have every single profile picture be of you and your significant other.
  • Show your loyalty to the new Twilight or Harry Potter movie by not posting any other irrelevant details about your life. Keep your content focused on your one single interest. You never know when Edward Cullen might be reading your page!
  • Post a photo of yourself at every turn to impose on everyone just how hot you are.
  • Take as many quizzes as possible about your Friends and post them on their walls.
  • Post song lyrics as a status update. Some of your Friends will think it's just a regular status update, will respond with a non-lyric comment, and you and your other in-the-know Friends can enjoy a hearty laugh at their expense when they realize they've been duped.
  • Friend all of your husband's guy friends, then comment on everything they say.
  • Click on those irresistible sleazy links and don't worry about virus links or spam that might post to your Friends' walls.
  • "Poke" as many friends as you can, whenever you can, even friends that you do not know well.

Warnings

  • You'll find out how tolerant your Facebook friends are -- they may delete you if you overdo this. But even if you write "LOL" or admit that you were kidding, they are NOT required to forgive you.
  • These repetitive patterns and tricks will be sure to decrease your Friend list and may even get people to stop talking to you "in real life" as well!

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