Ask a Deaf Person for a Date

You’ve met an attractive and interesting deaf person through work or school, and want to ask them on a date. If you aren’t deaf yourself, it’s natural to think about what the best way to ask them would be. Many people outside the deaf community don’t realize that hearing ability is on a spectrum in the deaf community, and that folks who are deaf don’t all use the same forms of communication. Asking out a deaf person on a date involves finding the best way to talk to your crush, and also being respectful of their deafness and their identity.

Steps

Finding the Best Way to Communicate

  1. Find out if they can read lips. If you have already talked to your crush, then you should know whether or not they can read lips. If you haven’t talked to your crush but see them around, watch how they communicate in social situations. If you notice that they can understand what people say without the use of sign language, then they can read lips.[1]
    • Not all deaf people can read lips, so don’t assume they can if you don’t already know.
  2. Find out if they use their voice. Some people who are deaf read lips and speak aloud, especially if they are on the hard of hearing as opposed to profoundly deaf end of the spectrum. Watch how they communicate with hearing people who don’t know how to sign. Also know that just because they use sign language when talking to other deaf people, it doesn’t mean that they don’t speak when talking to hearing people. [2]
  3. Find out if they know sign language. While most deaf people know ASL or another form of sign language, not all do. If you know sign language, it will be easier to communicate with your crush. See how they talk to their deaf friends. If you only see them in an environment with hearing people and want to know if they know sign language, you can ask mutual acquaintances.[3]
    • If you don't know sign language, weigh the pros and cons of learning a couple phrases. Some could appreciate the gesture of learning, while others may feel that it's silly to learn these phrases if for the rest of your conversations you will have to communicate without sign language.
    • If you already know your crush, learning a couple phrases could be seen as sweet. If you don't, the gesture could be more confusing or off-putting.
    • For this reason, if you don't know sign language and are unsure of whether your crush would appreciate it, it may be best to communicate in a consistent way, either by writing or speaking.
  4. See if they have an interpreter. Your crush may have an interpreter, especially if he or she is a student in a primarily hearing class. If you usually see your crush with an interpreter, plan to ask them out with the interpreter's help.
    • When you speak through an interpreter, make sure to look at your crush while you are talking. Your crush is the person you are having the conversation with, and the interpreter is just there to translate. Looking at the interpreter instead of the person you are talking to is considered rude and it changes the dynamic of the conversation.
    • Keep in mind that the interpreter will not be going on the date with you two, so you will need to find another method of communication for when you are alone together.
  5. Decide what the best way to communicate with them is. If you already have talked to your crush, you will know how best to communicate. If you’ve never spoken to them before, think about what the best way would be for your individual situation.
    • For instance, if your crush reads lips and speaks, plan to talk with them face-on so that they can clearly read your lips.[4]
    • If your crush reads lips and speaks sign language, plan on signing to them. If you don’t know sign language, plan to write down your message.
    • Also consider texting your crush if you have their number.

Asking Them on a Date

  1. Introduce yourself. Have a conversation with your crush before you ask them out. Depending on how your crush communicates for the most part, and whether or not you know sign language, talk to your crush either by speaking, writing down what you want to say, signing if you know sign language, or speaking through your crush's interpreter. You want to get comfortable talking to your crush before you ask them out.[5]
    • Introduce yourself if you’ve never talked to your crush before. Either say, sign or write something like “Hi, I’ve seen you around a lot but I’ve never said hello. My name is Heather.”
    • If you have met your crush before, ask them how they have been or how their weekend was.
    • Make sure that if you are speaking to them, you are facing them so they can clearly see your lips. If you are writing, write clearly and legibly.
  2. Make conversation about circumstances or interests you have in common. Before you ask them out, get a conversation going. This will make both of you more comfortable, and make it more likely that they will say yes to going on the date.[6]
    • For instance, if you are taking a class together, ask them about how they like the class.
    • If you work together, ask them what they do at the company.
    • Even if you are nervous, remember to smile! Your crush won’t be able to hear the tone of your voice, so you want to be sure to smile to show that you’re friendly and interested.
  3. Ask them out. The way you ask them out may depend on how friendly you already are with each other. If you only just met them, acknowledge that you don’t know each other very well, but say that you would like to get to know them. If you already know each other, ask your crush out to do something you know that they like.
    • If you have only just met them, say or write something like, “I know that that I only just met you, but you seem really cool and I was wondering if you wanted to get coffee sometime.”
    • If you already know them, suggest something you know they might like. Say something like, “I know the other day you were talking about how you like old films. There’s actually a new movie theatre that shows films with subtitles that opened up downtown, do you want to go check it out?”
    • You don’t need to use the words “go on a date with me”, but you should make it clear that it will just be the two of you.
  4. Understand that not all deaf people want to date hearing people. If your crush does not want to go on a date with you, know that it probably isn’t a personal thing. A lot of deaf folks only want to date other deaf people because they are part of the same culture and have may be coming from a more similar place. Additionally, your crush may have experienced a lot of ignorance and discrimination from hearing people about their deafness, and want to be with someone that they don't have to explain deaf etiquette and culture to.[7]
    • These reasons on top of communication barriers make many people who are deaf want to only date other deaf people.

Choosing a Date Activity

  1. Ask your crush what they want to do. If your crush agrees to the date, you should make plans about what you want to do! A great way to start making plans is to ask your crush what they would like to do. This takes the pressure off of you and it also ensures that your crush will have fun on the date!
  2. Pick an activity that isn’t hands on. If your crush doesn’t have ideas for what they want to do, try to stay away from activities that involve using your hands or where the two of you will be constantly moving. You will want to be directly next to or across from your crush to communicate with them, so stay away from physical activities like biking or swimming where your hands are occupied.[8]
  3. Go somewhere that's well-lit. No matter how you and your crush communicate, you will need to be able to see each other clearly. Don’t go to a dark bar if you want to talk with your crush. Instead, go to somewhere well lit where the two of you can sit across from each other. A good place for this would be somewhere like a coffee shop.[9]
  4. Do an activity that is enjoyable for both of you. This is important for any date activity, but it is especially important for a date with a deaf and a hearing person. Don’t go to a comedy show where they will not be able to understand the jokes, or a party where they don’t know anyone. Try to do something that you both can enjoy equally.[10]
    • Even just getting dinner or coffee can be a good date activity.
  5. Do an activity that accommodates the deaf community. Find a space that is specifically welcoming to the deaf community. For example, go to a movie theater that shows movies with subtitles. Few public spaces specifically accommodate deaf folks, and choosing to go to one can be a good experience for both of you.

Being Considerate With Your Crush

  1. Don’t shout. When you are talking to your crush, do not shout. This will not help them understand you better, and if they are reading lips it may even make it harder to understand you. If they don’t understand what you said, repeat yourself clearly in a normal tone of voice. You also may talk a little slower if you are a fast talker, but not in an exaggeratedly slow way.[9]
  2. Don’t pretend to know sign language if you only know a few words. Don’t try to make up sign language. Languages like ASL are extremely sophisticated and complex, so doing hand motions and throwing in a couple real words will make you look extremely ignorant. It’s ok if you don’t know sign language! Your crush won’t hold it against you.[9]
  3. Don’t avoid talking about their deafness. Don’t go out of your way to avoid mentioning their deafness. Your crush’s deafness is a part of them just like their gender or their age.[10]
    • Treating deafness like a sad or taboo subject might mean that you are not comfortable with their deafness. If this is true, you may want to reconsider whether you are ready to date them.
  4. Don’t treat their deafness as a negative thing or an illness. Never apologize for your crush’s deafness or say things like, “I’m sorry that you’re deaf”, or “You must be sad that you can’t hear things.” Many deaf people are proud to be deaf and don’t want to be “cured”. Being deaf is part of their identity and the deaf community is a strong and vibrant community to be a part of.[7]
  5. Always repeat yourself if they didn’t catch what you said. If your crush didn’t understand what you said, always repeat yourself, even if it’s an unimportant comment. Don’t say “never mind” or “it’s not important.” This will make your crush feel excluded and snubbed.[10]
    • You don’t have to change what words you used or “dumb it down”. In fact, repeating the same thing over again is preferable.
  6. Don’t speak for your crush. When you’re with your crush, don’t order for them at restaurants or tell others what they want. Doing this makes it seem like you don’t think your crush is capable of taking care of themselves, and it can come across as inconsiderate or even insulting. Unless your crush asks you to, don’t speak for them.

Tips

  • If you and your crush start dating, consider learning sign language if you don’t already know it!
  • Be realistic about communication barriers. Dating a deaf person can be similar to dating someone who speaks a different language than you, especially if you don’t know sign language.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://theaslapp.com/faq/
  2. ↑ http://www.deafis.org/faq/communication.php
  3. ↑ http://www.aadb.org/factsheets/db_communications.html
  4. ↑ http://www.scha.org/files/documents/tips_for_communicating_with_deaf_and_hard.pdf
  5. ↑ http://www.medhealthdaily.com/topics-to-talk-about-with-your-crush/
  6. ↑ http://vkool.com/how-to-talk-to-your-crush/
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 https://ifmyhandscouldspeak.wordpress.com/common-myths-about-deaf-people-and-the-truth/
  8. ↑ http://limpingchicken.com/2014/07/10/communication-tips/
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 9.2 http://rochellebarlow.com/13-things-to-never-say-to-a-deaf-person/
  10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 10.2 http://www.xojane.com/issues/how-not-to-be-a-dick-to-your-deaf-friend
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