Avoid Bothering Your Busy Boyfriend

When one person in the relationship is much busier than the other, that can put a huge strain on your relationship. You might be in different life situations, where your boyfriend has a lot of stuff going on and you have a lighter schedule and want to spend your spare time with him. Believe it or not, it's easier than it seems to handle that difference in a way that sustains your relationship, rather than damages it. This can be as simple as knowing his schedule and trusting him to prioritize you where he can. For more specific techniques on how to avoid bothering your busy boyfriend and keep your relationship strong, start with Step below.

Steps

Knowing His Schedule

  1. Find out your boyfriend's schedule. This will let you know when he is truly free and when he needs to be left alone to get on with things.
    • What days and times does he attend school, travel for work or have off-site work related events? When does he have sporting practice, when does he pursue his hobbies or interests? When is he at work? Most of these times are "off limits" for bothering him except for prior understandings and emergencies.
  2. Find out when his schedule can accommodate your calls or presence. This isn't just about guesswork; use your common sense, as well as asking him directly about when he doesn't like to be bothered.
    • Think of reasonable times when he'll be most likely to answer your call. If he has to get up early in the morning, call him early in the night before he goes to sleep instead of holding him up first thing.
    • Ask him if he has any down time at work/school/college or when he's doing things that he doesn't mind you calling or turning up to say hello. Maybe he is free for lunch once a week, or maybe he likes to hear from you at 4pm in the afternoon. But don't presume; actually ask him for his preferences.
  3. Avoid prying. When asking him about his schedule, let him know that it's so that you know when not to bother him. However, if he doesn't want to tell you what he's doing every second of the day, avoid an inquisition. He is entitled to some free time without you having to know about it! (Equally, so are you.)

Trusting Him

  1. Trust him. If one of the reasons you find yourself unable to stop calling or texting him, or even turning up unannounced, is that you don't trust him, it's time to face your insecure behavior. Ask yourself where this insecurity comes from and whether he has actually done anything to earn your distrust. If this lack of trust is all coming from you, seek to deal with the reasons you feel so insecure. If you don't, he'll end up feeling smothered. But if you don't trust him because of something he actually did, it's time to think about ending your relationship.
  2. Be reassured by what you know. The section above suggested that you find out what is schedule is. This should be reassurance enough that you can trust him. If not, perhaps reconsider why you're with a guy who leaves you feeling so suspicious.
  3. Respect his free time. Accept that his family and other friends are also important to him and that he must spend time with them as well. You'll gain much more respect by being easygoing and flexible than you will by being demanding and monopolizing his free time.

Minimizing Bothersome Contact

  1. Minimize contact when it's likely to bother your boyfriend. Once you know what he's doing, realize that he doesn't need your constant phone calling or texting to interrupt him.
  2. Give him a break. Maybe pick one day and one time to call him; if he says that he'll call you, trust him. Give him a chance to call you! Giving him the space is important, especially before he decides that you're "too needy".
  3. Remove the temptation. It may be hard to not call him when you're feeling bored or needy, so here are some things to do to keep you from calling him:
    • Delete any text messages and calls you've made or sent to him;
    • Leave your cellphone turned off or leave it somewhere you're not so you're not tempted
    • Take the phone out of your room so you're not tempted late at night to pick it up and do some chatting
    • If you have any pictures of him, lay a copy of his "schedule" next to the picture just so you remember how busy he is.
  4. Propose a scheduled time to speak together. For example, maybe late evenings before bed, at the airport, on his way home, etc. Find out when he won't be inconvenienced by a chat or Skype call. Most of all, know when he doesn't mind you turning up at his house, uninvited.
  5. See how long you can go without calling him. If you call about four times a day, see if you can go four hours without calling, then four more, then four more––can you go four days? He has a phone, he can see his missed calls, read his texts and listen to voice mails. He knows you're calling, when he has enough time to have a nice long chat with you he will. Going days without seeing your name on his caller ID might make him curious as to what you've been up to!
    • After a few days without you bugging him, he'll forget that you were annoying him in the first place.

Be As Busy As He Is

  1. Prove to yourself that you don't need someone 24/7! He's got priorities, so get some of your own. The world and your happiness shouldn't revolve around him. Pining away over a boy is not attractive. Don't freak out if he doesn't call you 10 times a day. Better yet, don't freak out if he has a busy day and doesn't call you at all.
  2. Keep yourself busy doing things you need to do. Don't say that there isn't anything to do because there is always something that needs to be done! Clean up and do your laundry, clean your closet, wash your car, catch up with other friends, spend time with family, get back into an old hobby, do a project you've been meaning to get done, exercise, watch a movie, get any studying done, learn a new language, write a novel, etc. There is no excuse for pining away!
  3. Spend time with people who get your mind off him and your relationship. Don't always hang out with that friend who you only speak with about your relationships and discuss everything. Spend times with friends who share other interests with you. If you have a friend who likes music you can plan to attend a concert together. If you have a friend who likes shopping you can plan a shopping trip. Don't surround your self with enabling friends who encourage your needy behavior towards your boyfriend.
  4. Realize that by being busy yourself, he'll soon see that you won't always be tying a yellow ribbon around your phone awaiting his call. Make plans with friends and don't invite him. Your relationships and plans without him are as important as his relationships and plans without you.
    • Let your boyfriend know you care and you want to talk but aren't going to pine away waiting for his call. He should also be aware that you also have a life and interests and may not be able to drop everything when he finally calls.
  5. Have fun! He'll be more comfortable if he knows you are able to be happy when he is not available.
  6. Let him know you expect your time to be respected as well. He'll respect you and your time if you respect yourself.

Some Typical Challenges

  1. Avoid making negative interpretations - ask. Don't confuse his being busy with a passive-aggressive put off. If he is making time for you in his busy schedule somewhere, that should comfort you as it means he values you and makes the time. By knowing his schedule, you will be aware that he really is busy the rest of the time. If you feel he is avoiding you, it is time to think about ending the relationship.
  2. On the other hand, if he isn't spending any time with you and you feel left out, reassess. If you suspect that he actually is pushing you away and is using being busy as an excuse, he is probably not the boyfriend for you. He may be wed to his job, business or goals, and it can be really hard to compete with such single-minded ambition unless you're equally ambitious and think it's okay to barely see one another.
    • If you back off completely, he may come around. But you must be prepared if he doesn't. And if he doesn't, it's his loss and it's a lesson to you is to look for a new boyfriend who can speak about their feelings in a relationship instead of hiding behind voice mail until the woman stops calling.
    • Don't be the stalker that couldn't take the hint. This is destructive to both of your lives and you really need to get on with yours if it doesn't work out with him.
  3. Set aside your worried thoughts and revel in what's good about the relationship. Realize that most men find women who are in control of their own lives and independent make for a good match. Get out there and live your own life. When he does call you, both have something interesting to contribute to the conversation.
    • He doesn't want to feel he must console you, make excuses or put up with high maintenance each time he calls.
    • Make speaking with you a joy and not the Spanish Inquisition.
    • Don't interrogate him on why he was late calling or why he couldn't call for several days. Instead, see the previous step about creating a calling calendar.
  4. Accept that certain relationships just don't work out. You may be happier in the long run with someone else who is more sensitive to your particular needs. You can't change someone to become exactly who you're looking for and you will be unhappy if you end up marrying a person you thought you could "change for the better". The behavior you see now is indicative of the future!

Tips

  • Put any communication device away and get out of your house for a couple hours. It doesn't matter what you do, go shopping, look around, go to the fair, find new ways to get home from your work or school, go visit your grandma, go to a movie, to a park, to church––it doesn't matter, just leave!
  • Give him time to spend with family or friends uninterrupted. Make it clear you expect the same.
  • If you're worried you'll forget to tell him things, write them down so next time you talk to him you'll have plenty to talk about; this trick can make for a nice long conversation!
  • Remember that you deserve respect too! If your boyfriend can't work out a schedule that you can be comfortable with, it's time to find another boyfriend.
  • If you're a male reading this, think about times you may have interrupted your busy girlfriend or boyfriend. Men can be needy, too. If she or he is avoiding your texts and phone calls, and you are a boy, you're being a needy boyfriend! Reverse the pronouns of all the advice you see above, and remember girls sometimes need space, too.
  • Are there things you could do together? If he needs to clean up the front yard, offer to help!
  • Realize that it's not that he doesn't want to talk to you––he probably would if he could stop mowing grass, stop [insert hard work action here] or stop winning over new clients to make his next dollar.

Warnings

  • Don't ever call his friends asking about him; obsessive to the max!
  • Don't call his house constantly because then his family might think you're crazy; you'll just be bugging them all.
  • Nothing says break up with a girl faster than his boss yelling at him for you calling or stopping by too much.
  • If your boyfriend is too busy or you can't handle having a busy boyfriend, then just split up.

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