Be Selfish
There's a common misconception out there that being selfish is a bad thing. This is wrong! Selfish people are the ones who make the world go round, who create art and civilization. Selfishness is the key to living a happy, successful life. Instead of pleasing others and constantly saying yes, let's explore living for ourselves.
Contents
Steps
Getting Your Head Right
- Redefine the word. Being selfish has a very negative connotation in today's society. We're supposed to be looking out for the common good and having everyone's best interests at heart. Heads up: being selfish and caring for others aren't mutually exclusive. You can still be the best person you can possibly be and be selfish and make others happy.
- Selfishness is not using others, or making them serve you, or removing yourself from people. Selfishness is being primarily interested in your own goals. Selfishness has everything to do with other people - a selfish person who hurts others does so unknowingly or possibly knowingly, but is never in the habit of considering how their selfish actions may hurt others. A selfish person is concerned with their self, and in rare cases has a need to hurt others.
- With the possible exception of your parents, no one else is looking out for you (and your parents may get it wrong sometimes, even if they have good intentions). That means that you are the only one really on your side -- so it's your job to put you first! That's not being selfish -- it's being logical.
- Figure out you. Before you can go about acting in your own self interest, you have to figure out just who your self really is. If spending hours on end each day telling the world to shove it and becoming a recluse in your home wouldn't make you happy, there's no point in being selfish and doing it. If you're gonna be selfish, do it right!
- What makes you happy? What makes you tick? Are you the person you want to be right now? Are you a people pleaser? A doormat? Bossy? Your disposition going into this process will determine your behavior. But if you're on this page, you're probably too nice!
- Define what's important to you. It's only the stuff that matters that you need to be selfish on! The rest can be handled depending on your mood. Maybe that day you'll feel particularly giving and willing to make a self-sacrifice. But if, say, you're desperately trying to save money for a new computer and your friend asks to crash on your couch and eat your food for a week, that's where you draw the line. Priorities!
- Life is a series of compromises. You won't be selfish about everything, but you should be selfish on what would make you the best person you can be. If you don't want to sacrifice your health, money, time, or possessions, think about whether or not they're that important to you. Are you fulfilled by them? If so, put your foot down. If not, reconsider.
- Identify obstacles in your path. Another part of maximizing your rationale when it comes to being selfish is identifying what's stopping you from where you want to be. It's all fine and good to take the last chip at the party table (just don't do it twice), but it's the real stuff we're talking about here. What's keeping you from being happy? That stuff needs to be gotten rid of, even if it's at the expense of others.
- If a person or thing or place isn't jiving with you, ditch it. Your boyfriend is moving to New York and you have a sweet gig lined up in California? Your mom wants you to stay at home and become a kindergarten teacher? Your best friend thinks you two should get matching haircuts? You know what would make you happy; you know what you would regret for the rest of your life. Do things for yourself -- not because other people want them.
- Don't feel guilty. Numerous studies show that being selfish can actually lead to us feeling happy -- so long as we don't feel guilty about it. And most of the time, we shouldn't. If we're only being selfish about what truly matters to us, only being selfish to create our best selves, then there's nothing to feel guilty about. Case closed.
- Make sure you're going about it the right way, though. If you are uncompromising about it, you'll lose friends quickly. No one wants to be around the girl who demands she be thrown a birthday party, complains that the cake wasn't good enough, but then doesn't let anybody eat any of it because it's all hers. That's not selfish, that's obnoxiously selfish.
Taking Care of Yourself
- Do what fulfills you. The world is gonna do all it can to force you into the mold it wants. It's gonna tell you what's practical and what's acceptable and just dare you not to listen. Don't! Do you want to move to New York, be a go-go dancer, and eat only Ramen noodles for the rest of your life? If so, go for it. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter, after all.
- Find a passion. Everyone is better with a passion. And stick to it! If the world mocks you for it, you're in the wrong group of people. You're at your best when you're happiest. Seek your passions, regardless of what others think, do, or say.
- Pick your battles. Being selfish the right way is an art. It is the ability to discern when what's best for you is still what's best for the situation at hand. It's knowing when your desire of something isn't really justified versus when it means being content with your life. If you refuse to let your friend pick the movie you go to, you're being controlling and selfish. If you don't go to her dance recital because you picked up another shift at work to pay the electric bill, you're being logical. Know the difference.
- This isn't just with others -- this is with you, too. There will be times in your life when you can be selfish and times when you straight up shouldn't be. Do you really want to move in with this guy you met online who lives on the coast of Australia? Or should you take that opportunity to work with the Habitat for Humanity who's offering you a hefty scholarship for college? Sometimes what's best for you isn't what you want -- but will be what you want down the line.
- Choose "me" time. Sometimes it's best to just shut out the world for a moment and have some well-deserved me time. Sometimes it's the only remedy! Take a bit of time each day -- whether it's at home, work, or on a run -- to just do you. Destressing is important for all your daily activities. You're just improving your productivity!
- Try meditation, yoga, or simply go for a walk. If that's not an option, take 10 minutes at your desk to daydream. The downtime will energize you for the rest of your obligations and give you much needed focus.
- Be proud of your accomplishments. Humility is practically shoved down our throats, isn't it? Someone offers you a compliment and you're taught to say, "Aww, no, it wasn't that good. Plus, so many other people helped me." Don't do it! Relish it. Accept it. You've earned it!
- We all need to give ourselves a pat on the back once in a while. And if others do it for us, great! Those people want to compliment us -- let them! They wouldn't go out of their way if they didn't want to.
- Be selfish with your feelings. If you have a friend that is just dragging you down, don't have any of it. They're constantly apologizing and misconstruing your words and they're totally insecure and you know they just want acceptance and reaffirmation -- but you're just exhausted from dealing with it. So don't. That's fine. Cancel a lunch date. Don't text them back that day. You need to recenter.
- It'll feel like you're being bitchy, but it may be best for the relationship. If you get involved in their drama, the situation will be twice as worse! Tell them you just want to stay out of it, for your peace of mind. If they don't understand, so be it. They'll come around when they feel better.
- Be selfish with your body. Friends are getting together for pizza and beer on Thursday night when you promised yourself you'd go the gym, but they're depending on your place for the large screen TV? Too bad. You have plans that you don't feel like breaking. They can do their thing elsewhere. You have calories to burn!
- It's fine to be an inconvenience. If your friends are ordering pizza and you're vegetarian, speak up! Tell them you want -- no, demand -- a veggie supreme. They're desire for pepperoni is no more important (in fact, less so) than your dietary constrictions. Thanksgiving coming up? Well, let them keep the turkey, but come up with your own alternative! Compromises can easily be had.
Not Letting Others Get in Your Way
- Get rid of toxic friends. This almost shouldn't be a step because it's not selfish -- it's just the right thing to do. We all have people in our lives who don't deserve it. That friend that practically makes shopping for toilet paper a competition. The frenemy who always comments on how much weight she's lost and how you should join her. The ex whose phone only works when alcohol has been involved. Ugh. Be gone with them!
- Seriously. Now. Just stop. An explanation isn't necessary (they probably know it in the back of their minds). If they ask why you're not around anymore, be honest. You're doing you right now and don't have time for their antics. If they care, they'll turn around. And if they don't, good riddance.
- Integrate your goals with others' desires. It is possible to get what you want done and still accommodate others! Are you trying to be healthy? Awesome -- take a walk during your lunch break. But when Jim comes up to you and wants to talk about how he should approach today's meeting...what do you do? Simple. Take him along. Make compromises, not sacrifices.
- Say you want to start a new workout program and you want a buddy. Your best friend isn't super into the idea, but she'll do it if you start cooking classes with her. You're not really into cooking. What do you do? Well, if you've decided health is what's important to you and you want to share it with her, you do it! And if it's not worth a cooking class, you can find another friend. It's all about what matters to you.
- Think before you say yes. It's natural to want to accommodate people. In fact, it's really hard to tell people no when we can't really justify saying it. Sure, helping them would encroach upon our productivity, but is that really big deal? Sometimes it is! The next time someone asks you for something, stop and think. Would saying yes go against the best you?
- Learn how to say no. If saying no is an issue for you, force yourself to say it once a day. Just once. At first you'll feel guilty, but as with anything, practice makes habit. Or practice saying in the mirror! Coming up with a way to say it that makes you comfortable will help ease you into the process.
- Learn how to receive no's, too! Sometimes it can be quite jarring. But since you're going through the same thing, give people the benefit of the doubt. Just because someone says no to your request doesn't mean it was outlandish or that they don't care -- they simply have other things going on. We all need to look out for ourselves.
- Stay reachable. Once you've gotten the selfish thing down, it's important to keep two feet on the ground. We still are social creatures and need to work with others. Think of Michael Jordan -- he mastered his craft on his own and then rose his team to the championships (over and over). That's how you do it -- with the end game for all in mind.
- It's highly possible that some people will be turned off by this new, empowered you -- especially if before you were highly accommodating. This is fine. This is good! So long as you stay rational, explain your circumstances, and work with a give-and-take, your selfishness is the best for you and the best for them. You can't be inspired and inspiring if you're worn out and spread thin!
- Be selfish in the workplace. If John over from Cubicle A keeps on asking you to help him with his project that's due in a few days but you have your own, just say no. You have your own workload. If you had nothing better to do, sure, but you do. You don't get your salary and his!
- Everyone loves a team player. If you can handle your job and still help out others, great. It's time for a raise! But if helping out others is impinging upon your progress, that's a red flag that you need to put yourself first. You put on your own oxygen mask in an airplane first, don't you?
- Be selfish with your things. Sure, friendships are about sharing things, lending rides, etc., but if you're not getting jack in return, cut it out. Friend wants to borrow your car? No, sorry. Money? Not until you get paid back from the last time. Clothes? Only that sweater you don't really care about. If it means something to you, you may not want to lend it out!
- This one is tricky -- selfish behavior can be a huge turn-off if done wrong. If you're not lending out your things, expect others to treat you the same way. The next time you need to borrow a car, you may not have a ton of people to turn to.
- Be selfish in relationships. Plenty of people lose focus on who they really are when they're in relationships. We take on aspects of the other person's personality and we lose a grip on why they were attracted to us in the first place. Don't do this! Be selfish -- state how you feel, what you want, what you need, and what you expect from the relationship. If you're not happy, it won't last.
- You have to put yourself first in a relationship. If you don't, you'll burn out, end up totally resentful of the other person, and it'll fizzle out with a whimper and fast. Don't spend day in and day out caring about them -- what do you need them to do for you?
Tips
- The most important thing of being selfish is using your brain. Many selfish people end up failing miserably at life because they did not think things through and did not look at the long term. You must use reason and be able to think if you are going to pursue your own goals.
- Consider reading Ayn Rand. The person who founded a concrete, defined morality of egoism and selfishness.
Warnings
- Do not get stuck up and think that the entire world revolves on you.
- Use these steps and tips at your own risk. Being selfish may cause your families and friends to think less of you (good intentions or not).
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