Have a Social Life As a Single Mom

It is possible to have a social life as a single mom. Many women have traveled the same path with success and to the benefit of both themselves and the children. Whether you feel a lack of a social life because of time constraints, other people's expectations or simply fear of the unknown, you can overcome these issues to rediscover a social life for yourself, as suggested next.

Steps

  1. Start seeing social lifetime as relevant to you. This includes banishing any thoughts that your wish to have a little time to yourself is selfish, irresponsible or disloyal. It's both normal and healthy to want to socialize with other and to pursue interests that you enjoy and your desire to enjoy a little time now and then without the children in tow is a perfectly reasonable one. If you're still feeling unconvinced, think of the benefits, such as feeling more energized to resume your sole parenting with renewed vigor, having time to discover positive things about yourself you've long forgotten about and rediscovering your long lost social connections. All work and child raising isn't a balanced life; your life and your role as a mom will benefit from the inclusion of social time for you.
    • Be very careful if you use the excuse that you'd rather be with your children all the time than having any time to yourself. You may have convinced yourself that this is the way for you out of necessity but it's not healthy for your children to have only you as the main support and source of Forming Friendships in their lives. They will benefit too from being with other people occasionally in their non-school time. And you will learn how to socialize with adults again!
    • Do you know someone who has insinuated that by wanting time to yourself or – heaven forbid – wanting to meet new men that you're being totally selfish by not putting the children first? You do? Delete their name off your contact list! If they're family, don't pander to them – simply say that you're making a responsible choice and that it makes your immediate family happy. You can do without negative, oppressive, judgmental attitudes based on other people's imaginations.
  2. Face the logistics. A lot of single moms feel that it's too hard to organize social time because it involves relying on others. Given that single moms tend to take everything onto their own shoulders, asking for help beyond "total necessities" can feel as if you're pushing the limits. However, it's important to accept that needing other people's help to care for your children while you spend some time out enjoying yourself is a good thing. It does not reflect poorly on you; nor does it indicate that you're unable to cope alone. There are always people willing to help out provided you're willing to ask – don't be afraid to ask for help when you need a break. Practical approaches you can take include:
    • Work out who can care for your children while you're out. Do you have family or friends you can rely on? Are your neighbors a good choice? Are there other moms you know? If applicable to your situation, the children could also spend time with the father.
    • If not, consider professional babysitting services. They can be worth the cost for peace of mind and sidestepping worries that you're imposing on anyone or if you truly have nobody close you can rely on currently.
    • Consider making a babysitting trade arrangement with another single mom or with a group of single moms. You can share the care arrangements on different social nights, knowing full well that each of you is reciprocating in kind. This can relieve the pressure of feeling you're burdening someone else and it can also be a fun way for your own children to get to know other children quickly. This can also be a way of developing a strong relationship with another mom who can help out in those emergency situations like when you have to dash off to the Get a Procedure Done at a Medical Center with one child but need another child looked after while you're gone. Building this strong relationship with another mom for your social reasons first can have enduring benefits.
  3. Make the time. It may sound cliched but having a social life doesn't happen unless you choose to make it happen and that involves planning and allowing yourself the time to do something for yourself. Sit down and work out when you'd like time to have social events on your calendar; perhaps once a week, once a month, or tri-monthly – really it depends on you and what you personally feel is doable in your current situation. The one thing not to do is to think that it's too hard and to set it aside for next year; planning allows you to set the goal, deal with the logistics of booking in carers, tee up meeting other people and save up any money needed. Once you permit yourself to think this way, it will begin to fall into place.
    • Lower your household standards. Make things clean enough rather than super clean, tidy enough rather than immaculate. Cull the truly unnecessary tasks like perfect ironing, daily scrubbing and separating the whites in the wash. Think Take a Shortcut about every household chore to gain yourself more time. Get the children to pick up after themselves, to be responsible for household chores and to be prepared to pitch in from as early an age as possible. With the chores being done to as "good enough" a standard as needed rather than being perfect and with each member of the household contributing in their own way, there will be more time for you.
    • Do you have a busy schedule focused intently on work and your children's activities just because you're frightened of those down times when you feel so alone? If this is the case (and be very honest with yourself), try to see the down times in a new light – these are now your potential social life moments!
  4. Choose affordable activities. It's likely that you're concerned about spending money on your outing instead of on the bills, the children's needs and the running of the household. However, with careful planning and astute choices about what to do, you can have a great time out without spending a lot of money. Naturally, the things you do will need to fit with your interests but here are some ideas for starters:
    • Visit a museum or art gallery. Depending on where you live, some have free or low entry prices and many offer special discount days.
    • Visit the park. Take a picnic and have lunch with a friend you haven't caught up with in ages. The park can also offer entertainment if street theater is being performed or you can simply people watch. Consider exercising in the park, perhaps walking or running or using the athletics field. And last but not least, a lovely day in the park provides ample opportunities for lying on your back under a tree with a good novel and some daydreams, all minus interruptions from children.
    • Go dancing. Dancing can be a very affordable and fun way to spend time with friends or to meet new people. Avoid drinking too much and you'll save a lot of money and have a great time.
    • Eat on the cheap. Visit a local cafe, look for meal specials, or use Give Ideal Age Related Gifts to keep the prices down. Or indulge in your favorite pre-made gourmet foods and take them for a picnic in the park.
    • Attend a class. Going to night school one night a week to learn something new is both education and socializing. It's not everyone's idea of socializing but you do get to meet new people and share an interest and you pack a double punch with education and getting out all rolled into one! And not all classes are about book learning – how about learning to cook a new cuisine or how to taste wine?
    • Exercise. Your idea of socializing might be having the freedom to go to the gym regularly or to be part of a social sports team. This is a great way to relax and get fired up all at once, as well as spending time with people who also love the same exercise activity as you.
    • Attend plays, functions, the movies and the Theater. Find reduced price tickets for more expensive events, or save up for one really special event you know you must see.
    • Visit a bookstore and simply browse in an uninterrupted, free way that reminds you of the days before children. Sip a coffee as you read the latest releases and appreciate just being able to do this.
    • Go window shopping in your favorite mall or high street. You might even find a bargain that you feel you can indulge yourself with.
  5. Bring the children to socialize with you. This may seem a little confronting at first but it's not about dating or purely adult-oriented occasions but about socializing with your children in ways that meet your socializing needs while still entertaining them. If there really is no other way to get you out of the house, bring them along. There are many places you can indulge in your interests where the children will be happy too, provided it's not too late at night. Think of such activities as showing them your love for music, art and natural history in the hope that they will be interested in it some day too. While they may seem less engaged at times, it's all settling in their mind somewhere.
    • Socialize with friends who have children so that you can all bring the children along. The children can play together and the adults can relax together.
    • Take the children for a hike, bike ride or picnic. Adjust the length of the walk or ride according to the youngest age in the group but don't use their age as an excuse to not go. Getting outdoors is energizing for all of you.
    • Go on a Family Vacations together, even if it means simply throwing your gear in the car and traveling to the mom and pop motel in a local town. The change of environment will do you all good, the disrupted routine will feel refreshing and there will be a new side to mom that your children will see and realize that you're not just one-dimensional! Vacations are both social and learning experiences for the whole family and they don't need to break the bank (think Prepare for Weekend Camping Trip).
  6. Meet new people. If getting back into the dating scene is your thing, don't hesitate. Using the internet you can find your dream matches at home and meet up for a coffee after getting to know one another a little online. It isn't just people with kids who rely on internet dating – it's a convenient option for many people and while not all your choices will turn into a potential new love interest, someone just may well.
    • Be realistic and honest. If you do hit it off with someone, let them know early on that you're a single mom. If they don't accept the children in your life now, they probably never will and you don't have time to waste on them. And it can be helpful to find someone who has children too; they "get" what you're experiencing and will be much more understanding.
    • If you do intend dating someone, be aware that your availability for dates can make or break the relationship and if it soon becomes clear that you're not able to meet up that much, it's likely your date will lose interest, so you will need to be very up front about this aspect and not brush it off hoping your date won't notice!
    • Avoid connecting any transient dates with your children. Only introduce a date when it's absolutely clear that you both have serious intentions about one another.
    • Be careful. When meeting people for the first time in real life, always meet in a public place and don't go anywhere alone with them until you know them a lot better. Keep everything light and enjoyable to begin with; you really don't know where this headed when you first meet up.
  7. Talk to other single moms online to share ideas and tips about social life as a single mom. There are lots of single mom forums and sites you can join and they are fantastic resources for asking questions, getting information and simply sharing stories about your experiences. You'll learn how other single moms make time for themselves and some of their tips and tricks might work for you too. For some single moms, chatting online is a form of socializing and meeting new friends but just be careful not to substitute online life for all real life opportunities.
    • Websites such as Meetup.com will have events for single moms in your area and if you can't find one for where you live, opt to be an organizer of such events yourself. An "event" can be as simple as single moms getting together in the local cafe or something more elaborate as organizing pooled babysitting and going to a special restaurant, ball game, the movies or whatever you're all keen on doing together.
    • Other gathering opportunities for single moms can be found through your church, community centers and anywhere that arranges events for children where the moms can sit around and chat while the activities take place.

Tips

  • Your cell phone is a lifeline that didn't exist for single moms in previous eras. It lets you pop out knowing that if something does go wrong, you're easily contactable and can make decisions from afar or head back home as soon as possible. Let your cell phone take away the particular worry of "but what if..."!
  • If you have friends who are still out partying, the bet is that they're not parents. Whether single or married, the partying stops with the arrival of the children and while you may feel like the only single mom around missing out, you're not alone. Reach out to other moms, single or not, and find pathways to help one another find the time to socialize.
  • Ask for gifts of time for birthdays and other events. This can be another great way to get yourself a child carer.
  • Be creative in both the ways that you fit your social life into your busy schedule and the things that you perceive as a social life. There are no rules that you have to follow.

Warnings

  • Be cautious when meeting people and never let anyone in your home you don't know well. Especially when your kids are there. Be safe and use your common sense; you can even have a neighbor drop in "unexpectedly" during a date just to check you're fine.

Things You'll Need

  • Calendar for planning
  • Diary for reminding yourself of need to develop a social life
  • Babysitting contacts
  • Vouchers, etc. for events

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