Be Socially Awkward
Have you ever watched a Michael Cera film and thought "Damn, that guy is smooth!"? Ever wanted to adopt that awkward stutter as your own? Want a socially inconvenient girlish voice? Well this guide aims to help you become the most socially awkward penguin possible.
Contents
Steps
- Eye contact. Excessive eye contact is a winner, it is a guaranteed way to create an uncomfortable atmosphere. Make sure you stare the subject down, in the most paranoid way possible, and look down to the ground every 5-7 seconds. A lack of eye contact can work too. Even try to combine the two to become the most awkward being within a {{safesubst:#invoke:convert|convert}} radius. Try flaring your nose and looking and smiling a weird smile. Also, try your hardest not to blink try to blink maybe, every 25 seconds.
- Posture. Looking rigid and uncomfortable is key in being an awkward member of society. The best way to achieve this goal is by standing in a position as if you are holding in a fierce bout of flatulence. Even try looking worried whilst holding in the fart, as if it is going to be released at any given moment--this will add to the awkwardness.
- Do stupid things: One of the greatest advantage of doing socially awkward things is to get an 'I don't care what you think about me' attitude. Start with something small like Do pushups right in the middle street or any other place where there are people like library, offices, restaurants. Do anything which is not normal socially like jumping jacks, lie down in the middle of the curb or sidewalk, dance in the street.
- Appearance. An unusual appearance is a brilliant way to create social awkwardness. Try things like tucking your shirt as far into your trousers as possible, wearing trousers that significantly divorce your ankles, or simply, wearing no trousers at all. If you have a polo or a button down t-shirt, button it all the way to the top. If you have long hair, tie it into a tight ponytail. if you have short hair, gel it into a nerdy combover.
- Dialect. Speaking unusually can create an awkward and unsettling mood. Developing a stutter is one way of achieving this, and another great way to be a socially awkward person during conversation is pretending not to hear the other person and saying "What?", sharply and loudly, midway through the subjects' sentence. Watch the subject pause and befuddle around their sentence, after you have interrupted them. Also, laugh as loud and horribly as you can every time they finish a sentence.
- Invade personal space as much as possible. Stand no further than {{safesubst:#invoke:convert|convert}} away from another human. This will create an environment so awkward that all of the subjects to your awkward persona will cringe in united embarrassment. Whisper in their ear and say stuff like "Do you like my breath?" This will be perfectly awkward.
- Poking people with your index finger, pencils, and juice boxes will add an extra awkwardness to the situation.
- Be random during conversations. Say stuff like "I can belly dance!" and start waving your arms around and try waving your body.
- Interrupt them but then forget what you were going to say. Pretend you've got a point to make, or were about to say something, but then 'forget' what it was. A good way to do this is to randomly spurt out an incoherent noise, but then when they ask you to repeat what you said, say it doesn't matter.
Tips
- When talking to someone, interrupt them midway through a sentence with a completely unrelated comment. This will baffle the person and create an instant awkward atmosphere.
- You: "What?" - Awkwardness henceforth.
- If someone uses the word "love", present them with a romantic gesture (try to present the gesture as if you are being subtle). When the person asks what you meant, reply "what?" in the most confused way possible. Example:
- Facial spasms.
- Express your opinions on the importance of ironing socks in any given social situation, however irrelevant this remark may seem. This trick works best in an elevator with strangers, or any enclosed and naturally awkward social situation.
- Person: "I really love ice-cream.".
- Person: (Pause) "W...What?"
- You: "You're pregnant?!"
- Talk about your mandatory bedtime as much as possible.
- Laugh uncontrollably at any joke, whether funny or not. Doing this in a high-pitched voice is more effective.
- You: "I love you."
- It doesn't matter what they say, or what it sounds like, the point is to blurt out something personal in a busy space.
- Cough over seemingly important points in conversation. Make them repeat themselves.
- When with a friend/partner, pretend to mishear something that they say and exclaim in disbelief a fictional scenario (which you pretend to hear). This works best in a busy area, i.e. shopping centre, library etc.
Warnings
- Prepare to be victimized in your workplace or educational institution. You will be the brunt of many jokes, but this is your ultimate goal.
- Do not let this alter ego divulge your true personality.
- Understand that finding romance will be a grievous task as someone who is socially awkward.
- Be careful about invading personal space, as some will mistaken this for sexual harassment.
- Some people will be concerned about your mental situation. Tell them that this is only a character you are doing.
