Be a More Confident Teen

Being a teenager is hard. You’re trying to grow into an adult and are facing new challenges every day. You may be feeling overwhelmed by all the changes in your life, or struggling with low self-esteem. Remember that your feelings are normal and everyone struggles with self-confidence during adolescence. You can take some steps to improve your confidence by adopting confident body language, forming strong friendships through connecting with others, and becoming comfortable with being yourself.

Steps

Using Body Language to Convey Confidence

  1. Make eye contact. Making eye contact with another person is a great way to convey confidence.[1] It also shows you are friendly and approachable. People will treat you with more respect if you are able to look them in the eyes.
    • You don’t need to stare at them intensely. That can be unnerving to the other person. It’s okay to look away every once in a while.
    • Keep practicing. It may feel weird at first to look at people’s faces (instead of your shoes), but keep at it. It will begin to feel more natural after some time.
    • Practice making eye contact with people you are most comfortable with, like your siblings or your friends, and move on to more challenging targets (your teacher or your crush).
  2. Stay visible. Resist the urge to hide behind your hair or curl up in a ball. Confident people have body language that indicates they deserve to be there, that they are strong and in control.[2]
    • Keep your hair off your face. Tuck it behind your ears or pull it back if you need to.
    • Don’t slouch. Not only is it bad for your posture, but it makes you appear unapproachable and insecure.[2] Stand up straight with your head up and shoulders back.
    • Sit tall. Don’t hunch forward or lean back in your chair. Put your hands in your lap or on your desk, don’t cross your arms in front of you.
  3. Smile. A genuine smile makes you look better and friendlier, but did you know it also helps you feel better? Studies have found that even forcing yourself to smile can boost your mood.[3] And if you are feeling happier, you will most likely feel more confident, too.
    • Smiling makes you look more approachable, more comfortable, and can even make you more memorable.[4]
  4. Fake it ‘til you make it. Sometimes the secret to being confident is to pretend to be confident. Eventually your acting will begin to feel less like acting and more like real confidence. Pretend you’ve got confidence and eventually you may realize you do, and in fact have had it all along![5]
    • For example, you may feel intimidated in a class because you feel surrounded by smart people and struggle with the material. What if you pretended to be one of those smart people? Sit up straight, raise your hand with confidence and contribute to the conversation. As you begin to act differently, you will find that your teacher and classmates treat you differently.

Finding Ways to Connect with Others

  1. Have friends you trust. You don’t need a huge group of friends, so do your best not to stress about popularity. You just need a few close friends you are able to confide in, have fun with, and connect with.[6]
    • Make sure you are comfortable talking to your friends. You want to have people you can turn to when you need support or a listening ear. You also want to be able to trust that they won’t spread your secrets around.[7]
    • If your friendships are too full of drama or backbiting and often seem like they are more trouble than they are worth, you might want to distance yourself from these people and look for new friends. For example, friends who love you one day and give you the silent treatment the next are probably not worth the angst they are bringing to your life.
    • Don’t ditch your good friends for other friends who make you seem more popular.
  2. Share your feelings with others. Expressing your emotions can be tough sometimes, but being able to do so indicates confidence and helps to boost your self-esteem.[8] Speaking up -- for your own feelings and for others’ -- can be scary, but it is another one of those things that gets easier with practice.
    • If you feel self-conscious about sharing your feelings with others, think about a time when someone disclosed some tough information to you. For example, what if one of your friends confided in you that she was struggling with depression? Would you judge her for being weak or laugh at her? Most likely, you would do your best to comfort her, relate to her, and let her know you were glad she reached out to you. If you have friends you trust, they will probably react the same way.
    • Think about situations when you might need to express your emotions or stand up for yourself. For example, imagine you have found out that your friend is saying mean things about you behind your back. Letting them know how it makes you feel (angry, sad, or disappointed in them, for example) indicates to your friend that you find their behavior unacceptable. Your friend knows you won’t put up with that kind of treatment, and will hopefully not treat you like that again in the future.
    • When you are expressing your feelings, try saying “I feel hurt that you didn’t include me,” rather than “You never invite me to hang out after school.” The first sentence conveys hurt, while the second sentence is accusatory and will have the other person feeling defensive.
  3. Find a supportive community. Have people in your life who’ve got your back no matter what. Having a community of people who you can rely on to support you will help you boost your confidence. You have a safe place to fall back, and a safe place to be yourself, in a group of people who care about you.
    • You may find this group of people in your extended family, faith community, or athletic team, for example.
    • If you do not feel like you have a group like this in your life, you could consider joining a religious youth group or a scouting group, for example. You want to find a group of people who value support and inclusion, perhaps with adult leadership that enforces these values.
  4. Listen to your elders. Trusted adults or older members of your family can offer you advice and perspective on what you are dealing with. As difficult as it may be to imagine, they were once teenagers themselves, dealing with problems similar to what you face today.
    • Adults can help you realize you are not alone in your feelings. Not feeling like you are the only one to go through this helps you feel more confident that you are normal and on the right track.
    • Ask your parents or grandparents what they were like when they were your age. What were their worries and concerns? Find an adult you can trust not to sugarcoat adolescence and ask them to paint a realistic picture of what life was like for them as a teenager.
    • You could ask, “Dad, you’re always telling me about the fun stuff you did in high school. Do you remember it ever being not fun, or even really hard?”
  5. Get involved in school activities. There are so many ways to connect with your peers. Sharing a common goal, project, or vision will help you become closer to others, as well as help you become more confident in yourself in all you can accomplish.
    • Join an athletic team. Whether you get involved in sports in your school or your community, athletics are a fantastic way to build self-esteem and self-confidence.[9] You will make friends and enjoy the camaraderie of a team, as well as get in great shape and improve your self-esteem.[10]
    • Perform. Getting up in front of a group of people to sing, dance, play an instrument, or act can take a lot of courage sometimes. If you can survive opening night nerves, it often feels like you can accomplish anything! Performing an artistic talent for others can be a huge confidence boost.[11]
    • Join a club. Find a group of people with a common interest in a school club or in your community. Maybe you are into robotics, outdoor adventuring, or film. Whatever your interest, you will likely find opportunities to get to know others in your school or community who enjoy similar hobbies. Making new friends and having new social opportunities can increase your confidence.
    • Volunteer. Get involved with a cause you support -- animal rights, the environment, fighting homelessness -- and become an advocate for it. You will gain confidence with your knowledge and by using your voice to help those who may not be to use theirs.[12]

Focusing on Yourself

  1. Be authentic. Don’t pretend to be someone you are not in order to be liked by others. This does not convey confidence; rather, it indicates insecurity. This is easier said than done, of course, but here are some suggestions to help you be who you are:
    • Be comfortable in your own skin. Embrace your inner nerd (or band geek, or jock, or hippie) and love what you love. Nothing shows confidence like a person enjoying who they are.
    • Have a sense of humor about yourself. If people are making fun of you for being involved in all the school plays, for example, you can laugh and say, “Yes, that’s me! The drama queen!” Add a dramatic gesture for increased effect.
    • Don’t pretend to be someone you are not. Not only will people be able to figure it out, but you will feel miserable.
    • Trust your intuition. Listen to that “gut feeling” that gives you the sense that maybe you are not doing what is the best for you.[13] For example, your discomfort around hanging out with a boisterous crowd at the football game is not a personal failing. It could be your intuition saying, hey, this isn’t your scene.
  2. Be honest. Tell the truth about who you are and the mistakes you’ve made. Making yourself vulnerable and sharing the “real” you can give you confidence. People will be impressed with your strength in sharing your feelings, which may help you feel good about yourself. You will see others accepting you in spite of your “flaws.”[14]
    • You’ll also see that sharing your vulnerabilities is not the worst thing in the world; in fact, it can often help grow relationships with others. You will find that the people who matter most will most likely accept you for who you are no matter what.
    • For example, say you feel upset about your dad’s remarriage. You could say, “I feel like I am going to be left out of his new family.” While your friends may not be able to relate to a parent getting remarried, everyone can relate to the feeling of being left out. This statement gives others the opportunity to share their own experiences.
  3. Try new things. Adolescence is the time to figure out who you are.[15] Give yourself permission to try something and fail. You’ll realize that if you fail, it’s not the end of the world.
    • Make a point to do something that you have always wanted to do, but it is also something you find daunting or even terrifying! For example, you could ask out your crush, perform in the school talent show, or make your unathletic self join the track team.
    • It might be hard and frightening, but think of the sense of accomplishment you will have. Also consider how much easier it will be to do the scary thing again.
  4. Keep a journal. Writing in a journal is a great way to keep track of your feelings, work through your problems, and watch yourself evolve. You will look back on previous pages and see how the thing you thought was such a huge deal really wasn’t. You’ll learn to not sweat the small stuff.
    • You’ll get to know yourself better -- self-awareness boosts confidence.[16]
    • You’ll also have a personal record of your life as a teenager to keep as you move into adulthood. Looking back on it as an adult may help you empathize with younger generations one day!
  5. Remember that everyone else feels the same way that you do. Being a teenager is not an easy time. You are figuring out your identity, exploring new freedoms, and learning about the world… and so is everybody else! Take confidence in the fact that your feelings and struggles are normal.
    • Be gentle with yourself as you navigate adolescence. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and not know everything. Remember, no one has it all figured out (that goes for adults, too)!
    • Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself to know who you are or what you want to do with your life. Learning who you are is a lifelong process. It won’t happen overnight, or even in your teens. Be confident that you are normal, and that you’ll find your own answers in your own time.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/pictures/efkk45egjkd/good-eye-contact/#60240065dd03
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 http://www.forbes.com/pictures/efkk45egjkd/authoritative-posture-and-presence/#1b2a9f6f7a24
  3. ↑ http://mentalfloss.com/article/74310/8-fake-it-til-you-make-it-strategies-backed-science
  4. ↑ http://brainfodder.org/benefits-smiling/
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-empathic-misanthrope/201109/fake-it-til-you-make-it
  6. ↑ http://time.com/3748090/friends-social-health/
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201303/fifteen-reasons-we-need-friends
  8. ↑ http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/buildingselfesteem/2012/05/speak-up-and-increase-your-self-esteem/
  9. ↑ http://www.healthfitnessrevolution.com/top-10-health-benefits-youth-sports/
  10. ↑ https://www.unm.edu/~lkravitz/Article%20folder/exandpsychological2.html
  11. ↑ http://www.backstage.com/advice-for-actors/backstage-experts/14-ways-acting-beneficial-kids-and-teens/
  12. ↑ https://www.unitedway.org/blog/4-personal-benefits-of-volunteering-in-your-community
  13. ↑ http://www.gaiam.com/discover/284/article/5-ways-live-authentic-life/
  14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201503/4-ways-be-more-authentic-person
  15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/adolescence
  16. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-health-benefits-of-journaling/
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