Get over Someone You Never Dated

Getting over someone after a break-up can be tough enough, but getting over someone you never even had in the first place can be just as difficult in a lot of ways if not more so. You'll need to confront the issue bravely and honestly before you can put an end to it and move on.

Steps

Confront the Issue

1. Admit to your feelings. You already know that you have feelings for this person. If you have not fully admitted to yourself just how strong those feelings are, though, you will need to do that before you can start getting over them. Ignoring the strength of the enemy—in this case, your own feelings of affection will only make it more difficult to triumph in the end.
   • Even though you never actually dated, you invested a lot of time, energy, and emotion into this person. The depth of your feelings probably reflect this.
   • Resist the urge to brush this off as nothing more than a “silly little crush.” Admitting to the full depth of your feelings may knock your pride down a peg or two, but ultimately, this action will be more helpful than letting yourself stay in denial.
2. Tell yourself the truth. There are two main truths you need to admit to. First, the person in question does not share your feelings. Second, your situation is no different from that of others who have suffered the same fate.
   • Your feelings are one-sided. Even if you know this deep down, honestly admitting this to yourself can be one of the toughest parts of the whole process. You might want to think that something can happen between the two of you, but the fact of the matter is that your feelings are not mutual.
   • Others have gone through the same thing you are going through now. The good news is that this means you are not alone and that you can survive this just as well as all the others who have gone before you have. The bad news is that, odds are, your situation is no exception to the rule. You might think that you can make the other person fall for you, but in spite of what romance novels and movies suggest, this rarely happens in real life. Your situation is far more likely to follow the path of reality than of fiction.
3. Realize that it is not worth it. Being head-over-heels for someone can be a nice feeling, but after a certain point, that feeling brings you more pain than pleasure. Letting go of the feeling will make you a happier person in the long run.
   • Ask yourself if you are really, honestly happy with the way things are now. Chances are, if you are online and reading articles about how to get over someone you never dated, the answer is “no.” If you are not happy, then the best thing to do is move on so that you can be happy again.
4. Stop reading into things. The person you adore might say or do something genuinely misleading on occasion, but more often than not, the supposedly misleading things that person does are only misleading because you are desperate for hope. If an action does not express affection on the surface, do not tell yourself that it does so beneath the surface.
   • The vast majority of guys will be obvious about it if they like you back. While girls are a bit more notorious for giving off mixed signals, if you are obvious enough about your own feelings and she does not respond in kind, she is probably not interested in you in that way.
5. Review your memories. The two of you likely have some history of interaction, and you may have let yourself believe that the interaction between you indicated a possible spark. Think back and be honest with yourself about whether or not that spark ever existed.
   • Treat your memories with the same objective eye you have begun to use when viewing your present interactions.

Putting an End to Things

1. Stop obsessing over the small stuff. If the two of you have interacted in the past, you will probably have to do so in the present. You will need to stop letting your thoughts linger on these moments of interaction.
   • Anything from a brush against your hand, a smile in your direction, or a kind greeting can linger in your thoughts for hours if you let it.
   • The moment you catch yourself obsessing over something of this nature, you need to turn your attention to other things.
2. Put some distance between the two of you. As the saying goes, “out of sight and out of mind.” You do not need to permanently sever any and all ties with this person, but for the duration of your non-break-up, you need to put as much space between the two of you as possible.
   • This is harder if the person you have feelings for is a classmate, coworker, or someone you see on a regular basis. It can also be difficult if this person is a close friend.
   • If you cannot cut ties completely, at least distance yourself in whatever ways you can. If you purposefully walk down one hallway just so you can pass that person by, for instance, choose another hallway to walk down, instead.
3. Stop letting your world revolve around him or her. Stop trying to align yourself to that person's interests and routine. Let your life return to the way it was before this person ever came along.
   • If you convinced yourself that you like something just because the object of your affection likes it, be honest with yourself and go back to not caring for it.
   • Stop rearranging your schedule or uprooting your routine on the off-chance that you can see that person or do something to please him or her.
4. View him or her objectively. Regrettably, most people tend to put those they have feelings for on a pedestal. Take the object of your affection off that pedestal and be honest with yourself about his or her faults.
   • This does not mean you have to hate the person in question, especially if this person is a genuinely decent human being. It does, however, mean that you should point out the person's faults and flaws to yourself and admit that he or she is not the very definition of perfection.
5. Tell yourself why a relationship would be a mistake. The person in question might honestly be a good man or a good woman, but that does not mean the two of you are right for each other. Convince yourself that such a relationship would, in fact, be a mistake.
   • Point out the reasons why the relationship would likely end in a break up. Incompatible goals or belief systems are often a good place to start.
   • This can be especially helpful if you are close friends with the other person since a break-up after a relationship could put an end to your friendship.
6. Talk it over with your friends. Find a few friends who can sympathize with you and cry on their shoulders. Oftentimes, friends can help you break things off and move on.
   • Not everyone will understand your dilemma, but many will.
   • Friends who are also single are probably more likely to sympathize, but that does not necessarily mean that you should not talk to friends who are in relationships, as well.
7. Talk it over with the object of your affection, if appropriate. This can be a risky move and is not right for everyone. If, however, the apple of your eye already has an idea about how you feel or starts to get hurt because of the distance you've suddenly created, you might want to consider explaining your feelings to that person.
   • If you think your feelings could be used against you or if you do not want things to get “weird” between the two of you, talking to the person in question could be a bad move.

Moving On

1. Cry it out. This may not be an actual break-up, but that doesn't mean it isn't just as painful as one. Let yourself cry, get angry, and generally be an emotional mess. Getting the feelings out will be better than keeping them bottled up.
   • As with an actual break-up, though, there needs to be a limit. Let yourself cry for a few days or a few weeks, but do not let yourself wallow in self-pity. It is perfectly healthy to be upset, but you also need to work on getting yourself past that grief at the same time.
   • Avoid becoming irrationally angry with the person in question. He or she may have played with your feelings on purpose, but it may have been unintentional. You could not control the act of falling for that person, but he or she could not help not falling for you in return.
2. Stay active and distracted. You need to keep your mind off the person in question, and the best way to do that is to fill your mind with other things to crowd that person out of it.
   • Exercise and physical activity can distract you in the moment while also making you too tired to think about your pain afterward.
   • Things that you enjoy also make excellent distractions, especially if they are things that you never shared or enjoyed with the person you need to get over.
   • Enlist the help of friends, as needed, or venture out into the world by yourself.
3. Boost your self-esteem. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Ending a relationship that never actually started can be damaging to your self-esteem because it means that someone thinks you aren't worth it. If you do not take measures to boost your self-esteem, you might fall into the trap of thinking you aren't worth it, as well.
   • If you have body image issues, take the opportunity to start a healthy diet-and-exercise routine. As you slim down and tone up, your self-esteem will get a boost, too.
   • Seek out healthy forms of self-improvement. Take a class on a subject you are interested in but never formally studied. Introduce yourself to new forms of culture, like the theater or opera. Expand your horizons and make yourself a more well-rounded person.
4. Dress up and head out. Make yourself look your best and force yourself out into the crowded world of single people. See if you can turn a few heads.
   • To the same end, you can also start up an online dating profile. Even if you never plan to meet up with anyone and only decide to keep the profile for a week, having people message you can make you feel more attractive and better about yourself.
   • One thing to avoid doing, however, is leading someone on that you have no intention of falling for. The attention might be nice, but if you manipulate someone's feelings, you will be inflicting your pain onto someone innocent.
5. Find someone new. Let yourself crush on someone else. Your feelings do not need to be as serious or deep as they were for the person you are trying to get over, but letting yourself view someone else as an attractive or desirable person will help you keep your thoughts away from the person you just had to end things with.
   • Whether or not you date this person is up to you, but be careful about rebounds. You could end up hurting yourself or someone else if you use someone as nothing more than a temporary crutch.
6. Give it time. As with an actual break-up, getting over someone you never dated will not happen overnight. Be patient and trust the process.
   • The amount of time you need will vary on how deep your feelings were and how closely connected you are with the person in question. The whole process could take weeks, months, or even years.
7. Ask yourself if resuming contact is a good idea. If this person is a good friend of yours, you might not want to cut ties completely. Once you think your feelings are stable enough, you can consider resuming your friendship.
   • If you sense your old feelings returning, though, take a step back again. You went through a lot of pain and effort to get where you are now, and the last thing you should do is open old wounds that just finally healed.

Tips

• Use this experience to help you in the future. You should not let the pain of this experience cause you to distrust love and stay away from people. You should, however, use this experience to help you spot the warning signs of falling into the same trap. As soon as you sense that your next crush will not respond to your affections, let it go and move on instead of going into denial about it.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Return to Work After a Breakup
• Get a Girl to Hate You
• Make Yourself Not Love Someone
• Know if the Relationship Is Over
• Dump Your Boyfriend Nicely
• Know When to Break Up
• Break Up with Someone and Remain Their Friend
• Let Someone Go
• Break Up with Someone You Love
• Get Your Ex Back

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