Build Bridges With a Co Worker You Don't Like

Our jobs are stressful enough without having to work with someone we can't stand. Ideally, you will get along with everybody. But what do you do with that one coworker you dislike—the one who insults you, or never gives you credit for your ideas? In order to work effectively, you'll need to change how you communicate and possibly confront the coworker about their behavior. You should also make a good faith attempt to get to know them better. When all else fails, you might need to go into “survival mode” where the best you can do is maintain a fragile peace.

Steps

Communicating Effectively

1. Talk in person, if possible. We communicate a lot of information through tone, gesture, and facial expression. All of this is lost in email. Accordingly, something meant to be funny could come across as hostile in an email. If possible, try to communicate in person or over the phone.
   • Leave email for very short communications—three sentences or less. Keep emails factual.
2. Listen in an active manner. Effective listening can reduce tension. It also will help you find commonality with a difficult colleague. To be effective, listening must be active. You cannot passively sit as someone talks. Instead, try the following:
   • Restate what someone has just said. This will affirm that you are listening to the person.
   • Ask if you understand them correctly. Say, “Did I understand you right?”
   • Sit with an “open” body style. Don't cross your arms or legs. Instead, face the person you are talking with.
   • Understand that you aren't endorsing someone's point of view simply by recognizing it. After you have shown you understand the other person, they may be more willing to listen to you.
3. Explain what upsets you. If your coworker does something in particular that you don't like, you should tell them. Be honest. For example, someone might make jokes about you being a redhead. You should tell them this upsets you.
   • Don't call them out in front of other people, which might only cause them to deny what they have been doing. Instead, go to their office during a quiet time of the day.
   • Try to stay calm as you talk. People can become defensive if they feel like they are being attacked.
   • Get to the point. Say, “Jeff, I hate it when you make redhead jokes. Can you joke about something different?”
   • You may be terrified to confront the person. Unfortunately, they are unlikely to stop on their own.
4. Avoid aggressive language. You should avoid accusing someone of bad behavior. Instead, focus on how someone makes you feel. It's harder for someone to disagree with you when you focus on your feelings.
   • For example, don't say, “Jeff, you're always so hostile. Why don't you start being nicer?”
   • Instead, you can say, “Jeff, I feel six inches tall when you talk to me like that.” Remember to use “I” statements.
5. Compliment the person. Identify the person's good qualities. Usually, a coworker has at least a few good traits. By complimenting them on their good qualities, you can encourage them to minimize bad behaviors.
   • For example, Megan might be abrasive but always gets her work done on time. You can say, “Megan, thank God you're here! I know I can count on you to get this finished on time!”
   • Similarly, Jeff might erupt in anger if you don't finish something on time. However, he could be great when dealing with angry customers. You can say, “Jeff, I wish I had your patience with people. We should talk about how you stay so calm.” This kind of statement might make Jeff think before he erupts in anger again.
6. Let your coworker have the final word. When having a conversation with someone you can't stand, let them get in the last word. This lets them think they are in control, which may make them easier to deal with.

Getting to Know Each Other

1. Watch how other people build bridges. Does your enemy get along well with other coworkers? Watch to see how they interact. Then try to adapt your own interactions so that you can work better together.
   • You might discover that a colleague's bluntness is actually a dry sense of humor which other people find funny. Although you might not find them funny, you can at least recognize that they aren't being mean.
   • Mimic how other people interact with your difficult colleague. If they ask about the colleagues' children, show your interest by also asking about them.
2. Volunteer to work on a project together. Another way to build a relationship is to stop avoiding the person. Jump on a project they are currently heading, or volunteer to sit on a committee that they are a part of. The only way to build bridges is to actually see and speak to each other.
   • Put forth your best effort on the project. You want to build trust with your coworker. You should be a reliable team player. When you finish a task, ask what else you can do to help.
   • Be available whenever the person calls or stops by your office. Put aside whatever you're working on and focus on them. They will appreciate your attentions.
   • Remember to tell you coworker that you trust their judgment.
3. Seek out opportunities to interact more. No matter how busy you are, there should be opportunities to get to know people at work. Look for chances to interact with your difficult coworker. Consider the following opportunities:
   • Ride the same train or bus to and from work. You can talk casually on the ride.
   • Take a walk together during your break.
   • Eat lunch together. You might want to have lunch in a group at first, which can make you both feel more comfortable.
4. Make small talk. When you see an opening to talk with your enemy, say “hello” in the friendliest manner possible. Then move onto some small talk, which is polite conversation on non-controversial subjects—the weather, what people have been doing, etc. Small talk is a good way to fill silence and forge a tentative connection.
   • A good strategy is to ask open-ended questions. If you feel nervous or don't know what to say, ask your difficult coworker what they did over the weekend. Try to ask questions that don't have a “yes” or “no” answer.
   • After the person answers, you should answer, too. It can feel like an interrogation if all you do is ask questions.
   • Maintain a positive energy. Smile and know how to laugh at yourself. Your enemy might be as intimidated by you as you are by them.
5. Find points in common. You can develop a relationship by finding out what you have in common with your enemy. For example, do you both have children? Are you both married? Do you enjoy the same hobbies? Look at the person's social media to find out details about their life.
   • Avoid pretending to have something in common. For example, don't fake being a New England Patriots fan simply because your enemy follows the team closely. Sooner or later they'll figure out you were lying, and they will probably resent you for it.
6. Connect outside of work. We are more than our working selves. Try to see your enemy as a person by spending some time together outside the office. You might find out that they are completely different when away from the stressful work environment.
   • It might be difficult at first approaching someone you dislike. However, think about activities you can do in a group. For example, you might organize a group of coworkers to go get drinks after work or organize a softball game over the weekend.
   • Remember to always stay on your best behavior. Although you are in a social setting, people are still judging you. Always remain friendly to your enemy.
7. Identify a common enemy. Nothing brings two people closer together than having a common source of hatred. Instead of hating each other, hate something else. Avoid hating another person—if you hate another coworker, you've only created a new enemy for yourself.
   • Instead, hate the economy or the President or your state's Governor. Find something larger than your employer to hate.
   • Hate growing old or gaining weight. This common enemy can open the door for doing activities together—for example, meeting up at the company gym once a week to lift weights.
8. Build your bridges slowly. It's difficult to turn a relationship around overnight. In fact, you should be skeptical if someone goes from hating you to loving you in a short period of time. Realize that it can take months or years to really develop a healthy relationship.
   • Nevertheless, you can't get water from a stone. If you aren't getting anywhere, you might need to cut your losses. At best, you'll try to survive in the same office—at least until one of you leaves for a new job.

Surviving When All Else Fails

1. Gain some perspective. You can't become friends with everyone at the workplace, regardless of your best intentions. At best, you can remain civil and tolerate each other. Recognize that people have different values. By acknowledging these differences, you can look at the situation neutrally.
   • Try to put your failure to build bridges in perspective. Is it that big of a deal? Do you intend to stay at the business much longer?
2. Identify why the person triggers you. Some people might rub us the wrong way because they remind us of someone we don't like outside of work. For example, a co-worker could remind you of your mother in law or step-father.
   • Alternately, your coworker could have flaws that you identify in yourself. Maybe you are secretly overly-critical of other people. By forgiving the other person, you forgive yourself for your weaknesses.
   • By identifying the reason you don't like someone, you can cope more effectively. You might realize your coworker isn't intentionally doing anything to annoy you—this is just how the person is.
3. Limit face time. Keep conversations as brief as possible. Nevertheless, remember to remain cordial and polite so that you don't cause any unnecessary tension. Think through what you want to say ahead of time so that you don't ramble when you're standing in front of the person.
   • Also choose the communication method they prefer. If they want an email, send an email. Communicating with their preferred method helps limit face time.
   • You can also try to communicate through another person as much as possible. Ask your secretary to call your enemy's secretary to schedule appointments or obtain required information.
4. Report the person to HR, if necessary. In spite of your best intentions, your enemy might continue to attack or undermine you. You might be left with no choice but to go to HR and report the person for harassment or bullying.
   • For this reason, it is best if you never retaliated against your enemy. Hopefully you didn't stoop to their level and counterattack them.
   • You can write a complaint letter to HR. However, you might want to talk to your direct supervisor first, unless it is your supervisor who is harassing you.

References

See also

• Avoid Blowing Up at Your Workplace Team
• Handle Conflict from a Human Resources Standpoint
• Avoid Office Pitfalls
• Work for Someone With Anger Management Issues
• Fix a Toxic Workplace
• Manage Conflict at Work Place
• Deal with Violence in the Workplace
• Avoid Talking Politics at Work
• Avoid Back Office Politics
• Deal With a Bullying Boss

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