Convince Someone Not to Return to an Abusive Ex

Your best friend, sibling, or coworker finally got the courage to walk away from their abusive partner. They are trying to move on, but now their abusive ex is trying to get them back. If someone you care about is entertaining returning to an abusive ex, you may try to convince them by sharing your concerns, empowering them to make the right decision, and connecting them with resources to assist with their situation.

Steps

Presenting a Convincing Argument

1. Share your concerns gently. You may be tempted to speak out defiantly against your friend returning to the abusive partner. But, intense emotional displays won’t help the situation. Approach your friend calmly and let them know your concerns.
   • You might say, “Lori, I know Zach is begging you to come back. I can’t imagine what emotions you must be feeling. But, I want you to know I’m worried for you. I know he hurt your before, and I don’t want that to happen again.”
2. Remind them of their progress. Victims of abuse struggle with a variety of thoughts, feelings, and concerns. They may worry about their partner punishing them for leaving, or how hard it will be to carry on without the relationship. It can help to remind your friend of all they have overcome so far.
   • For example, you might tell your friend, “You’ve gone through so much lately, Josh. I can’t adequately tell you how impressed I am at your strength. I know leaving must have been really hard.”
3. Check if they believe their partner has changed. Your friend may be so caught up in the emotional experience of missing their partner that they have not looked at the situation from a realistic perspective. If their partner hadn’t changed their abusive habits before the relationship ended, what makes them think they have changed during the short time after a breakup?
   • You might say, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but remember you left the relationship for a reason. Do you really believe they have changed since you left?”
4. Ask them if they’ll feel safe. No matter how frustrated you might be at your friend for thinking about going back to an abusive ex, their safety is likely your biggest concern. Check to see if your friend will actually feel safe returning to the abuser.
   • Despite their response, continue to listen and be supportive. Even if they do go back to the abusive ex, you want them to feel like they can talk to you.
5. See what advice they would give if this were happening to a friend. People in abusive relationships may have trouble seeing their circumstances from a different perspective. You may help your friend decide what they should do by asking them to view the situation as a third party. How would they react, or what advice would they give if this were happening to a friend?

Supporting Their Decision

1. Empower your friend. Your friend has to be the one to ultimately decide whether going back is the right choice. Let them know that you believe in them and support whatever decision they make. Doing this may help to empower them.
   • You might say, “I just wanted you to know my concerns. You are an adult who has the right to make your own decisions. I believe you’ll do what you feel is right for you.”
2. Remind your friend that you will support them no matter what. It’s common in abusive relationships for the victim to go back and leave several times. This may be the case for your friend. Even if they decide to go back, let them know that they can count on your support.
3. Help them develop a safety plan, if they do go back. If your friend decides to return to the abusive partner, equip them with a plan to protect themself. Work together to devise a safety plan, which helps your friend know where to go and who to call if the abuse happens again.
   • A safety plan may offer a list of resources, such as a counselor or abuse hotline. It may also include safe places to go, such as a relative’s house or a shelter.
4. Keep in mind that you cannot “save” your friend. As much as you’d like to, you cannot save or rescue your friend from the abuse. If they choose to return to the abusive ex, it’s their choice. They have to ultimately be the one who decides to leave and stay away for good. Be sure to support your own health and well-being during this trying time.
   • Spend time with other friends. Do relaxation exercises. Eat nutritious, balanced meals. Get in some physical exercise on most days of the week.
   • You can support your own well-being without abandoning your friend. Even when you are doing things for yourself, you can invite your friend to come along. Helping them build a social life and healthy lifestyle behaviors may help them to cope after the abuse.

Helping Them Break Free

1. Have them call the domestic violence hotline. A hotline number should be included in your friend’s safety plan. They can call this number for advice before they decide to return to the abusive ex, or after when they need support or guidance. The U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-7233.
2. Connect them to a counselor or therapist. Getting professional support from a counselor or therapist can help your friend process their emotions regarding the abuse. A therapist may help them make the decision to leave the abusive relationship for good. At the very least, a therapist is an impartial listener who your friend can turn to when they need support.
3. Encourage them to participate in support groups. Social support is very beneficial for victims of abuse. Research some support groups locally and online that your friend can participate in. There are even some groups in which friends and family are welcome to attend. You might accompany your friend to a meeting as a show of solidarity and support.
4. Help them locate a shelter or temporary housing. If your friend is considering returning to an abusive partner because they don’t have stable housing of their own, you might help them locate a place to stay. Most communities offer shelters for victims of domestic violence. Couples and families may open up their homes to victims, too.
5. Enlist others' help. Victims of domestic violence may be ashamed by their abuse and unwilling to receive help. They may not like it if you put them on the spot with a group intervention. However, it may be helpful to enlist a few allies to talk to your loved one and offer their support in a way that doesn't make the person feel pressured.
   • If you can show your friend that there are others in the community who want to help, they may be more motivated to stay away from their ex.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Handle Harassment from Your Partner's Ex
• Ask Your Ex Out
• Get Over Your Ex
• Deal With Your Ex Boyfriend Who Happens to Be a Co Worker
• Find Out if Your Ex Still Likes You
• Make a Guy That Used to Like You Like You Again
• Win Your Man Back
• Get Your Ex to Fall for You Again
• Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
• Stay Calm Around an Ex

Read more ...