Start Dating After a Relationship

Getting back into the dating scene after being in a relationship can be tricky. After all, you’re not used to flirting or risking rejection anymore. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. It may take some practice, but getting ready to date again can be a rewarding process.

Steps

Recovering from Your Last Relationship

1. Recognize the importance of healing before moving on. If you don’t take time to process your relationship, you will not be emotionally available when you start going on dates. The grieving process is important, and if you don’t follow it through, you may end up comparing your new date to your last partner.
   • You also want to ensure that you’re not bitter about how your last relationship ended. If you are, you may project this bitterness onto the new person or make them feel like you have too much emotional baggage to handle, making successful dating very difficult.
   • Instead, work on forgiving your last partner. Forgiveness is the exercise of letting go of what you cannot change and not demanding justice for a wrong. It doesn’t mean letting someone treat you like a doormat.
2. Get closure. To gain closure and give yourself license to explore your identity again, you must fully believe the past relationship is over. Do whatever you need to do to prove that the relationship is truly dead.
   • If you were dumped, meet with the other person to hear her reasons for breaking up with you or watch her in a new relationship.
   • If you’re the one trying to get out of the relationship, stop all contact with the former partner, move to a new location, or recall how much she damaged you or held you back.
3. Acknowledge that you need physical recovery time. Studies have shown that your body actually experiences physical pain after a long-term relationship ends. This is because couples often end up dictating one another’s biological rhythms. This means disrupted sleep, loss of appetite, and change in rates of temperature and heart rate.
   • After a breakup, keep your physical body in good shape even if you don’t feel like it. As you take time to forgive the other person and get used to being without him, your physical body will adjust.
4. Acknowledge that you need mental recovery time. More than physical recovery, mental recovery is key for moving on. A breakup affects the way you perceive yourself and your level of self-esteem. Studies show that clearly defining who you are after breaking up with someone is the most important part of being able to move on.
   • You may not remember who you are without the other person. Re-identifying yourself is the only way you will be able to present a whole person to a new dating interest.
   • Try “dating yourself” by going out to restaurants alone, seeing movies you like, and attending events you enjoy. You may even start to enjoy being single because you get to do things your former partner didn’t like.
5. Avoid blaming yourself. The more you focus on longing for your last relationship and regret how it ended, the worse your future will be. To move on, you must practice self-compassion. One study showed that those who practiced self-compassion directly after a divorce were coping much better nine months later than those who did not.
   • Practice being kind to yourself by having positive thoughts about how your relationship ended. You can say something like, "I'm not alone in this; I am not the only person to go through this. We had some good times, and I can take those with me, but it's best for the both of us if we move on."
   • Focus on how it’s best to forgive the other person rather than blame yourself for how it ended, or playing the “what if” game (repeating alternate scenarios in your mind).
6. Learn from the breakup. No matter how it ended, choosing to learn from the mistakes both you and your former partner made will help you be more successful in the next relationship.
   • Common relationship errors include taking your partner for granted, not paying enough attention to her, gossiping about your partner to others, and constantly questioning the relationship.
   • Examine yourself closely for mistakes you made and determine not to repeat them.
7. Surround yourself with friends. One way to help yourself forget the last relationship and focus on the present is to build a network of close friends. Even if they are friends you had before the relationship, these friends should be on your side and ready to help you find new love.
   • Friends can distract you from your pain by talking about other things, taking you on outings, and so on.
   • Friends can encourage you when you are tempted to beat yourself up for how things went in the relationship.

Preparing for a New Date

1. Brush up on your flirting skills. There are many ways to attract someone with looks and actions. If you haven’t dated in while, it is a good idea to recall these ways of interacting with a love interest in order to keep him interested enough to give you a chance. Try actions like:
   • Smiling
   • Mirroring body language and poses
   • Making eye contact, then looking away, repeatedly
   • Being pleasant and engaging
   • Once you’re in a conversation, look steadily into the eyes of the person who is talking
2. Get in a mindset to have fun. At first, dating should be a lighthearted event where two people enjoy each other for who they are without worrying about the future. Focus on getting to know general facts about the other person rather than intimate or serious details.
   • Avoid discussing your shortcomings in detail.
   • If the desire to get married is in your mind, avoid discussing this for at least a few dates, because this is a serious topic that can instantly change a lighthearted time into a heavy one.
3. Make a list of what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for a fun dating relationship to have the potential for a serious one, you should probably try to date people who fit your desired profile. Write down what you are looking for and attempt to date people who fit at least part of the list.
   • Setting up an online dating profile is an easy way to make sure someone fits the characteristics you want. You can usually select qualities you want from a list provided by the dating website, such as match.com or eharmony.com.
4. Choose a fun location. To promote your goal of having a lighthearted time, try to schedule dates for fun locations. Being in a place where other people are being lighthearted can set the mood for fun, just as being in a location where couples are being very serious can turn your date into the same.
   • Going places that don’t specifically cater to couples like an amusement park, skating rink, or arcade can take your mind off the date and focus it on playing and having fun.
5. Dress up. Even though you’re not trying to get serious yet, that doesn’t mean you aren't trying to attract a potential partner. Dress tastefully and attractively to help your date enjoy being with you.
   • For women, this means wearing clothes that aren’t skimpy, but aren’t business-related, either. Go for outfits that suit the venue of the date, or that you get a lot of compliments on.
   • For men, this means avoiding clothes that make you look like you’re at work (like suits and khakis) and opting for solid colors and clean-looking shoes.
6. Believe in yourself. Believe that you are worth dating, and the other person will too. Develop a mindset of self worth before you go on a date so that you can project a confident image when you meet someone.
   • Increase your self-esteem by doing things like changing your negative beliefs, finding evidence to confirm that your new positive beliefs are true, and practicing positive thinking.
7. Be careful with your kids. If you have children, you should be very cautious about the dating process. It is probably best to keep the dating aspect of your life hidden until you are serious about someone new.
   • Community support is helpful for this. If one of your family members or a close friend can babysit, this might distract your child from what you’re doing until it’s the right time.

Being a Good Date

1. Maintain a confident appearance. Having confidence on a date inspires confidence in the person you’re with. In fact, some say that confidence leads to security, security leads to positive emotion, and positive emotion leads to better performance.
   • Try taking risks, being honest with yourself, and giving yourself internal pep talks.
   • Remember to boost your self-esteem with positive thinking.
2. Avoid revealing too much about yourself. You want your date to see your most admirable qualities on the first handful of dates, so delay heavy details such as a chronic illness until you’re deeper in. You’ll have plenty of time for that after you see that things might go somewhere. The point is to have fun at first.
   • To keep from divulging serious details about your life, focus on restricting information. Ask the other person lots of questions, and keep the conversation on activities and interests that you have in common.
3. Avoid talking about your last relationship too much. It’s ok to mention that you had a past relationship, since so have most people. However, if you talk too much about this relationship, it may spoil the mood and seem like you are still hung up on a past romance. No one wants to be runner-up.
   • You also don’t want to seem bitter about past relationships, as this shows an inability to forgive—not a great quality.
4. Flirt a little. If you’re headed to a scene where there are other singles, such as a bar or singles event, be prepared to flirt a little bit in order to attract a date. Flirting can help us identify interested parties, so if you want a date, flirting can make it happen.
   • Flirting is also useful on a date to confirm that you’re enjoying yourself and indicate you’d like another one.
5. Be a good listener. Make sure that you’re not doing all the talking. Sure you can share about your life—no one would want to be with someone who didn’t—but if you dominate the conversation, that is exhausting and will prevent someone from wanting to return.
   • Be a good listener by being open minded, not interrupting, and offering feedback.
6. Set up another date. After a successful first date, set up the next one. To avoid seeming overeager and scaring someone away, you might wait for them to bring up it up. This idea might also come up naturally, especially if you have both expressed interest in a certain event or activity in your area. If it doesn’t, you should speak up.
   • Be prepared for the possibility that the other person may say no.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Escape from a Drunken Date
• Let Everyone Know You Are Not Dating a Certain Guy
• Attract a Millionaire
• Escape from a Bad Date
• Tell if You Genuinely Like Someone
• Turn Friendship Into Love
• Attract Girls Without Being Annoying
• Attract a Guy
• Marry a Millionaire
• Turn a Girl On

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What links here

• Cope With Separation
• Love Yourself After a Long Battle in an Abusive Relationship
• Make Yourself Not Love Someone