Court a Woman
Courtship is different from dating in that it is a more traditional form of getting to know a woman, based on spending time with her in public settings, learning about her, and ultimately making the decision if marriage is in the future. Courtship is not so much about regulations, but it's more concerned with selflessness, friendship, and commitment. Even though courtship is more serious than dating, it still has some of the fun perks of dating and allows you to effectively get to know the girl you are interested in.
Contents
Steps
Preparing for Courtship
- Learn the difference between dating and courting. Dating and courting are very different things, especially in modern society. Dating, a lot of times, can be very casual, and done without any serious commitment. You can date exclusively or you can date several woman at a time and many times it's just for fun. Courting is a serious commitment you are making to get to know a woman with the intention of the relationship leading into marriage.
- Determine if you're ready. Because courting is different from dating, it's not something that should just be done on a whim, because it's a serious step to pursue a woman. Most courtships are between a couple trying to determine if marriage is in their future, so if you aren't ready for a commitment like this, it's best to stick to dating or being single.
- Understand the benefits of courtship. Although courtship can seem "old-fashioned" or too rule based, it's an opportunity to pursue a woman without the awkwardness of wondering if you are on the same page. Maybe you're tired of dating just to date and are ready to take the next step. Courtship is a great way to do that.
- You may think that a relationship that lacks a lot of physical intimacy will not be as enjoyable, but the benefit of courtship is that you can really get to know a woman without the distraction or confusion of things that typically happen when dating or hooking up with someone. Courting a woman allows you to have a lot of fun with creative ideas and know her intimately through conversation and activities together, which will be a more solid foundation for marriage.
- Get to know her on a friend basis. Because courtship is more serious, you don't want to jump into courting a woman before you know if she's even someone you would be romantically interested in. Hang out with her in group settings, learn about her personality and character, and decide if you are attracted to her.
- Learn about her family. Courtship has a lot to do with family and community interaction, mostly because it's mainly prevalent in religious circles who value healthy relationships. Getting to know a woman's family will help when you decide you want to court her. Learn about her family's values and if you would be a good fit for her and she, you.
- Families are different, and some won't need to know you well before their daughter is courted by you, but some families place a high value on the man's participation in the family because they want to know they can trust you before they allow their daughter to spend a lot of time with you.
- If you are older and the woman has already moved out of her house and is living on her own, family participation may not be as important. However, you'll want to check with her to make sure you aren't overstepping any boundaries.
Courting a Woman
- Be upfront with her. Before you begin courting a woman, you'll want to let her know you are interested in her and that you're serious about figuring out if marriage is in the future. Make sure she is on the same page as you, and ask her what her expectations are for the relationship.
- Not all courtships are this serious and sometimes they are similar to dating, except they are exclusive and more serious. If you aren't ready to pursue marriage, then make sure the woman you are courting is on the same page so that there are no frustrations or confusions from either party before you begin courting.
- Ask her father. This can be a vital part of courting if the woman you are courting sees it as a serious commitment. Because courting often involves participation from the family or mentors, asking a woman's father if you can court her is important in gaining her family's trust and approval.
- You'll probably want to make sure she is actually interested in you romantically before you ask her father, because it takes some courage to go to a girl's father and explain you are interested in her daughter, and it would be a bit embarrassing if she ended up turning you down.
- Get to know her in public or private settings. Depending on the type of courtship, you'll want to spend time with your girl in settings where you can really get to know her through good conversation and activities. Some courtships are done solely around people, meaning you would only spend time together in groups or with the family, but others are done individually, meaning you'd still likely spend time in public places like a coffee shop, but it will be just you two on the date.
- Some fun date ideas that you can do in public are outdoor activities like kayaking on a lake, going on a picnic in a park, going to the movies with a group of friends, visit the local tourist areas in your town, learn a new hobby or sport, or go to a local amusement park or zoo together.
- Romance and woo her. Just because courtship often involves the mentoring and interaction of others in your relationship, doesn't mean you can't romance the woman you are courting. Come up with creative ideas for dates, compliment her, and show her you are in love with her character and personality.
- Romancing a woman also has to do with the way you treat her in front of others and your desire to serve her. Some women want to do everything on their own, but one of the greatest ways to show you care for someone is to serve them. Caring for the woman you are courting by doing things for her and helping her through difficult times can be one of the most meaningful ways to communicate to a woman how you feel about her.
- Abstain from strong emotional language if you aren't there yet. Emotionally intimacy can be just as powerful as physical intimacy in a relationship, and so sometimes it requires boundaries. Before you use language like "I love you," think about if you seriously mean it. You don't want to lead a woman on or make her believe you are at another stage of the relationship when in truth you aren't ready.
- Decide on physical boundaries. If a couple is more serious about dating and pursuing marriage, they are likely more hesitant about jumping into a sexual relationship right away. Discuss with the woman you are courting what she thinks are good physical boundaries. Remember that often times in courtship commitment precedes intimacy.
- Some courtships don't even allow kissing, meaning the couple has decided to save their first kiss for their wedding day. Others, however, are more casual and allow physical touch throughout the relationship. Discussing this with the woman you are courting is important because you want to make sure you are on the same page. You don't want to overstep a boundary and turn her off, but you also don't want to make her wait around wondering when you are going to take the next step physically.
- Become friends with her friends. Because some of your dates will likely be in group settings, it's important to get to know her friends, and to show the woman you are courting that you want to be a part of her life too.
- This doesn't mean become best friends with her best girl friend. Get to know her friends and be amicable towards them, but understand proper boundaries. If you made best friends with her friends and the courtship ends, it could be awkward for her and for you to try to continue to pursue those friendships.
- Seek out guidance throughout the relationship. Courtship is serious, and you'll want to have advice from wise men and women on how you should handle the relationship and if you are caring for one another well. Having a mentor or someone who cares about your relationship will also help you stay accountable and make sure you are acting on your intentions in the way that you originally communicated to the woman you are courting.
- Update her on the status of your courtship. One of the worst things you can do is to leave a girl wondering what you are thinking or where you stand. Make sure you have a conversation every now and then about your intentions in the relationship and where you stand emotionally. This will give her some stability in the relationship and will allow her to enjoy it without wondering what the next step will be.
Deciding if Marriage is the Next Step
- Talk about your future goals. Now that you've spent time getting to know your girl, it's time to figure out if you two have a future together. Talk about what your desires are for the next years of your life. You'll want to make sure you are on the same page so that down the road you're not surprised by the way she wants to live her life. Some questions to focus on are:
- Do you want to spend time focusing on your career?
- Are you interested in making a high income?
- Do you want to have a big family, or a family at all?
- Do you want to travel or settle down in one place for a while?
- How much time to do you hope to spend with your family?
- Discuss your hope for family. People have different desires and values they hope to instill in their future families, so discussing this is vital to figuring out if you are compatible for marriage. First, determine if you both want to have children and then talk about what you hope your family will look like.
- Some important things to talk about here are the number of children you hope to have, if one of you wants to stay at home with the children while the other works, if you want your children raised in a certain religion, if you are going to be more hands-off parents or very involved.
- This may be a hard question to ask but make sure you talk about your view on divorce. If you feel divorce is okay but the woman you are courting does not or vice versa, this is probably a sign that you shouldn't get married. You want to make sure the woman you marry has the same values as you so that less conflict occurs during marriage.
- Take a financial peace course. This may seem strange, but money and finances can be one of the biggest stressors on marriage, and it could be really helpful to learn about each other's financial habits before you get married so you can address any issues or concerns you see. You can often find these classes through local churches or organizations in the area.
- Decide if you are compatible. Hopefully some of the above topics would help you determine if you are compatible with the woman you are courting, but compatibility can be found in your personalities and character as well. If you have found during courtship that you have opposite personalities that cause you to argue a lot, or if the woman you are courting lives a certain lifestyle that you dislike, then marriage may not be the best path for you.
- Even though courtship is designed with marriage in mind, not every courtship ends in marriage. If you are to the point in your relationship that you realize marriage doesn't seem right for the two of you, you'll need to break off the courtship. Have a gentle conversation explaining why you don't think things would work between you two in the future and explain that you valued the opportunity to court her. Make her see that it's not that she has all of these flaws, but that the two of you together just don't mesh well.
- Ask her father. If you've thought through and discussed any potential concerns with your partner and have decided you want to pursue marriage, the final step is to ask her father for her hand in marriage. This may seem old fashioned, but generally when courting a woman asking her father is done more as a symbolic gesture, showing him and her that you respect him and want his approval.
Related Articles
Sources and Citations
- ↑ http://www.yourtango.com/201066112/courtship-primer
- ↑ http://www.courtshipnow.com/Questionhtml/courtshipqandazm.html
- http://www.boundless.org/relationships/2012/biblical-dating-how-its-different-from-modern-dating
- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wendy-atterberry/15-things-every-couple-mu_b_5638629.html
- http://www.daveramsey.com/blog/four-things-to-talk-about-before-marriage/
- http://iblp.org/questions/how-courtship-different-dating
