Date a Virgin

You may find yourself in a relationship with someone who has less sexual experience than you. If your partner is a virgin and you are not, it's very important to understand boundaries early on. Be respectful of your partner's needs and wants, work on establishing firm boundaries, and explore ways to be intimate beyond sexual activity.

Steps

Being Respectful

1. Learn your partner's expectations. If you're going into a relationship with someone who's never had sex, you'll want to learn your partner's expectations. Everyone has different feelings about sex and sexuality. You should understand your partner's expectations for a romantic relationship, including expectations regarding physical contact.
   • Your partner may be a virgin because he or she practices abstinence. Abstinence means refraining from sexual activity. Your partner may be abstinent because of religious reasons. He or she may also be abstinent because he or she does not feel ready to have sex yet.
   • If your partner is practicing abstinence, understand his or her expectations. People define abstinence in different ways. Some people define abstinence as refraining from genital-to-genital contact and may be open to other forms of sexual activity. However, others define abstinence more strictly. Ask your partner what he or she expects in terms of physical contact regarding the relationship.
   • Your partner may also be asexual. Asexuality means your partner does not experience sexual attraction or desire. Unlike people who practice abstinence, asexuality is not a choice. It is part of someone's inherent identity and sexual orientation. People who are asexual may experience feelings of attraction without feeling the need to act on those feelings. Many people who are asexual engage in romantic relationships as they have an emotional need for intimacy. However, an asexual person may not want sexual activity to be part of a romantic relationship. If your partner is asexual, he or she may have specific expectations regarding sex in your relationship. Make sure you have a discussion about those expectations going into the relationship.
2. Listen to your partner. When discussing sex, virginity, and relationship expectations, make sure to listen your partner. You want to make sure you understand what your partner needs and wants out of your relationship. Therefore, practice active listening when discussing expectations with your partner.
   • Active listening is a manner of listening designed to promote mutual understanding. When listening actively, give your partner your full attention. Use non-verbal cues, like nodding on occasion, to show you are listening. Focus on what your partner is saying rather than formulating your next response in your mind.
   • Repeat your partner's words back when he or she finishes talking. You want to make sure you are completely understanding of what is being said. If you misinterpreted something, your partner can help clarify for you.
   • If you are not a virgin and your partner is, it's important to listen. Your partner may feel intimidated by your sexual history as things may feel unbalanced to him or her. You want to make it clear you respect the fact your partner is a virgin and want him or her to feel as comfortable as possible in the relationship.
3. Respect your partner's needs regarding privacy. Talking about sexual history can be complicated. While you may feel curious about certain aspects of your partner's past, he or she may not want to share everything with you. Boundaries in a relationship are personal and subjective.
   • Your partner may not want to answer certain questions regarding his or her virginity. Conversely, if you have a sexual history, your partner may be uncomfortable hearing about it. While communication is important, if your partner is not comfortable with certain topics, be respectful.
   • Do not push your partner to have a particular discussion prematurely. Allow the relationship to progress at a pace that's comfortable for both of you.
4. Do not push your partner out of his or her comfort zone. If your partner is a virgin, physical intimacy may come slowly. It's vital that you respect your partner's wants and needs. Even if you're eager to get physically intimate, make sure you do not push your partner to engage in any form of physical contact before he or she is ready. Always ask your partner if something is okay before engaging in a new form of physical intimacy. Be respectful of the answer your partner gives. If the answer is no, stop.

Establishing Boundaries

1. Be open about expectations regarding physical contact. It can be awkward to discuss physical contact and sexual needs. However, it's better to have a discussion early on rather than inadvertently doing or saying something that makes your partner uncomfortable. At the beginning of the relationship, take efforts to be upfront. Try to be open about expectations regarding sex and physical contact.
   • Know when and if your partner would be open to having sex. Your partner may not feel ready for a physical relationship at this stage in his or her life. He or she may also want to wait until marriage to engage in sex. If you're dating a virgin, sex may not be a part of your relationship in the immediate future. Understand this going into the relationship.
   • Understand what kind of physical contact your partner would enjoy. People who abstain from sex may enjoy kissing, hand holding, cuddling, and other light forms of physical contact. Your partner may also be open to more intimate forms of sex play, like mutual masturbation or oral sex.
   • You should also be very clear on what your partner does not enjoy. It can be awkward to pause in the moment to discuss boundaries. If there is a form of physical contact that is off the table, ask your partner to be upfront about this right away. Say something like, "I understand you're a virgin. I want to know where the line is. What forms of physical contact are you not okay with?" You want to make sure you do not inadvertently make your partner uncomfortable during a moment of intimacy.
2. Write lists. This may sound overly formal, but many people find lists helpful in terms of establishing healthy boundaries. You can find checklists online which detail a variety of sexual activity or sex play. You and your partner can check off what on the list is okay. You can also simply ask your partner to make a list of what types of physical contact and activity he or she would be comfortable with and what types of activities are unacceptable. This can be an effective way to know concrete boundaries and avoid any confusion in terms of physical contact.
3. Take things slow. If your partner is a virgin, he or she may need to ease into physical contact with you. Be willing to go at your partner's pace. Physical intimacy does not need to happen quickly for you to feel happy and fulfilled in a romantic relationship. If your partner is less sexually experienced than you, it might be better to let him or her decide when to move things forward physically.
4. Communicate throughout the course of the relationship. When a relationship progresses, physical boundaries and expectations may change. Your partner may feel comfortable becoming more intimate at a certain point in the relationship. Conversely, there may be certain forms of physical contact you or your partner enjoy less as time goes on. Therefore, keep communication open throughout the relationship.
   • Periodically reconsider boundaries. Return to the checklists you made earlier in the relationship and see if you're both still comfortable with the activities you checked.
   • You should talk to your partner during moments of physical intimacy. Throughout physical contact, ask questions like, "Is this okay?" and "Does this feel good?" You want to make sure your partner feels safe and comfortable with you.
   • Talk to your partner about the need for communication. On occasion, say something to your partner like, "If you ever want to do something different physically, I want you to feel comfortable letting me know." As stated, some people simply do not feel ready to have sex. It's possible that, at some point in the future, your partner may be open to a sexual relationship. He or she will feel more comfortable engaging in sex for the first time if he or she knows the two of you can discuss things like safe sex, STI status, and birth control beforehand.

Being Intimate

1. Explore alternative means of physical intimacy. Physical intimacy is important to a romantic relationship. If your partner is a virgin, you may struggle to feel close to him or her. You also want to make sure sexual desires in a relationship are mutually fulfilled. Talk to your partner about alternatives to penetrative sex.
   • Kissing can be a very sexually stimulating, especially if you kiss your partner on sensitive areas like the neck and the ears. If your partner is not ready to have sex, you can both gain some sexual pleasure from simple kissing.
   • You can also touch your partner in sexually sensitive areas. The breasts, the penis, and the clitoris are all very sensitive body parts. If your partner is open to it, you may enjoy sexual touching instead of actual intercourse. Oral sex can also be a pleasurable activity for you and your partner. However, keep in mind if your partner is abstinent due to moral or religious, reasons he or she may consider oral sex a form of sex.
   • Mutual masturbation is another alternative to sex. This is where you and your partner masturbate together. This can be an arousing form of sex play that does not involve physical contact with your partner.
   • There are a variety of forms of sexual contact and sex play you can engage in without having penetrative sex. The best way to figure out what works for you and your partner is to discuss and explore your options together.
2. Talk to your partner about porn and erotica. Many couples find watching porn or reading erotica together an intimate, arousing experience. This can also help you get a sense of what your partner finds arousing. If you have sex at some point in the future, it can be helpful to know what turns your partner on. Talk to your partner about watching pornography or reading erotica together. You can feel intimate with your partner as the two of you can explore your sexual desires together.
   • Keep in mind not everyone is comfortable watching pornography or reading erotica. Remember to be respectful if your partner does not want to participate in this activity.
3. Establish emotional intimacy. Physical contact is not the only route to intimacy. Becoming emotionally intimate is very important in a successful relationship. Talking, listening, enjoying one another's company, and sharing thoughts and feelings can help establish emotional intimacy.
   • Talk to your partner. Engage in activities like long walks, long phone calls, and late night conversations. Go out to a coffee shop for a few hours and simply converse. Be willing to be vulnerable and share with your partner.
   • Meet your partner's emotional needs. If your partner needs to talk to you after a hard day, try to give him or her your full attention. Provide comfort when necessary. Sometimes, it can be hard to figure out how to best comfort someone. People respond differently to different kinds of feedback and comfort. It can be helpful to ask your partner something like, "What can I do to make you feel better right now?"
   • Emotional intimacy takes time to establish. The best way to be emotionally intimate is to simply spend a lot of time together. Make time to talk to your partner every day.

Warnings

• If you have already had sex and your partner has not, the relationship dynamic can feel unbalanced. Sex is important to a happy, healthy relationship. If you're unsure if you can handle the dynamic, it may be best to end the relationship.

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Sources and Citations

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