Deal With Negative People

Everyone has that friend or coworker who sucks the energy right out of you, complaining about all the different ways the world is set against him or her. Unfortunately, you must deal with many different negative people throughout your life. However, negativity by others can have an effect on your personal well-being, too.[1] So to take care of your own well-being, it is important to avoid it when possible, and neutralize it if possible.. Fortunately, there are ways to deal with negative people.

Steps

Dealing with Negative People in the Moment

  1. Remember that you do not have to try to cheer them up, solve their problems, or have a solution. It is laudable to try to turn things around for them. However, keep in mind you may not be able to succeed, and it is not typically your job to do so. In dealing with negative people, it is also important to have good boundaries for yourself.
    • Sometimes the best way to deal with negative people is for you to remain positive and ignore their negativity.
    • Unsolicited advice is rarely taken. Wait until the person tells you they would like to hear your ideas.
    • Sometimes there is good reason for a person to be in a negative state; honor where they are. The best way to annoy a person in a bad mood is to tell them they should not be. While that may be true, it will not be helpful.
    • Be a good example in being positive. Sometimes the best thing to do is to simply take a positive stance. Simply being positive and remaining positive in a sea of gloom will have an effect.
  2. Provide support. The first time you encounter someone you know being negative, provide a listening, compassionate ear. Try to help if he or she requests it. Everyone has a bad day or needs a hand with something on occasion. Just being a helpful, compassionate person can go a long way to spreading positivity.
    • If the person continues to harp on the same negative topics, you feel emotionally exhausted after you socialize with them, and they overwhelmingly use negative words and phrases (I can’t, they didn’t, I hate, etc.), that’s when it's time to try to disarm their negativity.
  3. Do not engage in the negativity. It's really easy when confronted with a negative person to get sucked into their spiral of negativity. Choosing not to engage doesn't mean ignoring them, but it does mean maintaining your emotional distance.
    • Avoid trying to argue about why the person should not be negative. In an attempt to make negative people change their tune, the first instinct is to try to argue why the person should not be. Unfortunately, this tends not to work. People in a funk tend to have a lot of rationale why, and will typically have a lot of defenses to keep them there. You will likely spend a lot of time and effort for nothing, and maybe even get sucked into the dark cloud yourself.
    • Negative people tend to exaggerate, focus on their negativity, and ignore the positive. Instead of trying to make them see how they're being negative (which usually only leads to confrontation and reinforcement of their ideas that everyone is against them), try giving noncommittal answers that neither encourage or condemn the negativity. This shows active listening without stating you agree.
      • Noncommittal comments include: "Okay," or "I see".
      • You can follow up with your own positive take, but try not to contradict the person: "I see. It is really hard when customers seem unappreciative like that. I try not to take it personally."
  4. Use appreciative inquiry. If the person demonstrates negativity on certain events or subjects, you can have a conversation with them using a technique called “appreciative inquiry.” Appreciative inquiry is a process of asking questions to help the person envision a more positive future. If they are complaining about a past event, you can ask questions focusing on the positive aspects of their experiences or pose questions about the future.[2]
    • These questions might include, “What do you hope would happen next time?” or “What turned out to be positive about that experience?”
    • This question should lead to a story about what a brighter future would look like and how to achieve that future.
  5. Steer the conversation. If appreciative inquiry does not lead to a productive, positive conversation, then gently turn the conversation toward something more innocuous.[3]
    • For example, you might say, “I understand that you’re upset about your coworker. That must have been hard. So, tell me more about your plans for this weekend.” Or, “Wow, that sounds like an ordeal. So, did you see that new documentary?”
  6. Attempt to disrupt negative ruminations. Rumination (going over the same negative thoughts over and over) only reinforces negativity. It is also associated with higher levels of depression.[4] If the person tends to ruminate, see if you can disrupt this spiral by leading the person to focus on something else.
    • While steering the conversation can include leading the person to a happier topic within the same subject, disrupting negative rumination likely means changing the subject entirely. If the person is ruminating over a work interaction, try bringing up his or her favorite TV show, the person’s beloved pet, or something else likely to result in a more-positive conversation.
  7. Help the person see how they might take control of the situation. Negative people tend to blame all external factors rather than themselves. People who blame their problems on outside factors tend to have poorer emotional well-being than those who take a different perspective.[5] Try supporting the negative person in developing a plan for how to handle negative events.[5]
    • Venting about a negative situation isn’t necessarily an unhealthy response. We often work through problems and develop a course of action to deal with the problem during this phase. Try to help the person channel the negative energy in a constructive way. You can ask, for instance, what the person can do to change an unfavorable situation at work.
  8. Help the person accept negative events. In addition to talking the person through how to react to a negative event, you can also help the person with ultimately accepting negative events.[5] For example, imagine a friend was reprimanded at work for coming in late. She complains to you at lunch, lamenting the fact that she has to take the bus, complaining that her boss has it out for her, etc. You can try saying several things in this situation, such as:
    • “Well, the reprimand has already been filed, and that won’t change but it will be taken off your record in six months. You can show your boss that you are committed to being on time from now on.”
    • “What if you rode your bike to work instead? Then you wouldn’t have to rely on the bus being on time, and you could leave your house a little later.”
    • "You're really upset by that, I can tell. I'm really sorry that happened. If you'd like some help getting organized in the morning, I find that's really helpful in getting out on time. Let me know if you'd like me to do that."
  9. Set boundaries. When dealing with negative people, set boundaries for how you deal with them. Someone else's negativity is not your responsibility to deal with. If they're bringing you down too much, you need to spend time away from them.
    • If the negative person is a work colleague, cut short their negative spiral by telling them you have to get back to work. Do it nicely, otherwise it will feed their negativity further.
    • If the negative person is a family member (especially one that you live with), try taking a break from them as much as possible. Go out to a library or nearby coffee shop or simply don't answer the phone every time they call.

Dealing with Negative People in the Long Term

  1. Identify the negative people. Part of dealing with a negative person in the long term is to pinpoint whether or not they are negative or simply someone who's had a bad day.[6]
    • Negative people often become that way as a result of being constantly disappointed and hurt, and the anger that is associated with these circumstances.
    • Negative people tend to blame all external factors rather than themselves. Of course, there are those people who are totally negative about themselves, and that can be just as draining for a listener.
  2. Avoid lecturing or preaching to the person. Long-term friendships or work relationships with negative people can drain your patience just as much as your time and energy, but it’s important to avoid lecturing or preaching at the person.[7] Even the most positive among us aren’t great at accepting criticism, and a negative person is more likely to see it as evidence that you’re also against her or him rather than taking the feedback constructively.
    • Even if “getting it off your chest” will help you to vent, it ultimately won’t help the situation.[7] If you must vent about the negative person, do it to someone else you trust in your support group besides the negative person.
  3. Act instead of simply reacting. One way to help both yourself and the person mired in negativity is to do nice things for the negative individual that aren’t triggered by a specific situation or conversation. Rejection from other people will always reinforce a negative worldview, so an act of acceptance can make a difference.[8]
    • People can naturally take for granted the support they receive when they’re already in a negative mindset. Show the person a positive action in his or her direction even when it’s not prompted by a negative situation. You may have a larger impact on the person’s interactions with you by doing so.
    • For example, if you occasionally make excuses for why you can’t see the negative person while he or she is ruminating over a negative situation, try instead calling the person up to hang out when they’re not in a bad or ruminating mood.
  4. Send the person reminders of positive things to help with positive refocusing. Remind the person of a fun time you spent together or a funny situation. Give him or her a compliment for something that you thought they did well. It reminds the person that someone is invested in them and helps bring a measure of positivity to the person’s day.[5]
    • For example, ”Good job with that essay. I was really impressed by all the research that you did."
  5. Do something unexpectedly sweet on occasion. This act can be anything from chores for a day to inviting the person to watch a movie with you or even taking a walk together. This is a good way to affirm positivity to the negative person without turning it into a lecture on their attitude, which few people take well.
  6. Hang out in groups. Sometimes the best way to deal with a negative person (especially if they are part of your friend circle) is to organize group events so that their negativity is diffused among all the different people.[9] However, you must take care to ensure these situations don’t end in the group ganging up on the negative person.
    • This step works best when everyone in the group shows the same empathy for the negative person and uses the same strategies to try to help the person overcome the negativity.
  7. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Being social creatures, human happiness is often dependent on the quality of your relationships with other people. However, you and only you are responsible for your positivity and your happiness.[10]
    • Being happy in spite of the circumstances means gaining control over your emotional response rather than over the situation. For example, if you're dealing with a negative friend, you can either allow the friend to drain you of your own positivity, or you can shore yourself up with reminders of positive things before and after dealing with the friend.
    • Governing your own emotional response is like working a muscle. You have to practice being in control of your emotions in response to outside situations, such as dealing with a negative person.
  8. Evaluate the person’s role in your life. In the end, sometimes the best way to deal with a negative person is to remove him or her from your life completely. There are times when their negativity brings you down too much to offer you a fulfilling and mutually enjoyable relationship.
    • You'll need to examine the pros and cons of removing someone from your life. This might be hard to do if the person is part of a mutual circle of friends. It might even be impossible to do, such as when the person is a coworker or a superior.
    • Take an honest inventory regarding what you get from your relationship with the person, and don’t rely too heavily on the way the relationship “used to be” if the person has become negative over recent months or years.
  9. Avoid the person. If you can't get rid of the person entirely, avoiding the person will be your best option. Remember, you have to take care of yourself. You don’t owe anyone your time and energy, especially if the person drains you of it with negativity.

Tips

  • Remember that people have many different reasons for negativity, including insecurity, low self-esteem, an abusive past, frustration in life, low confidence, etc.
  • These people may have a hard time seeing the positive side or the positive outcomes of life. Remember these people have to want to change their way of thinking themselves.
  • Don't react to negative comments. If you don't give the person the reaction he or she wants, the person will stop because the attention-seeking behavior isn't working.
  • You should behave politely, avoid being harsh, and practice patience.

Warnings

  • Don't let anyone else’s negativity turn you into a pessimist. You must remember your responsibility for your own happiness above all.
  • Someone who is negative all the time may be depressed. If the negativity ever takes the form of conversations about self-harm or harming others, encourage the person to seek professional help.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ Goodhart, D. E. (1985). Some psychological effects associated with positive and negative thinking about stressful event outcomes: Was pollyanna right? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 48(1), 216-232.
  2. ↑ Cooperrider, D. L., & Whitney, D. (2001). A positive revolution in change: Appreciative inquiry. Public administration and public policy, 87, 611-630.
  3. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-negative-people-or-difficult-people/
  4. ↑ Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Parker, L.E., Larson, J. (1994). Ruminative coping with depressed mood following loss. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67, pp. 92–104.
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 5.2 5.3 Garnefski, N., Kraaij, V., & Spinhoven, P. (2001). Negative life events, cognitive emotion regulation and emotional problems. Personality and Individual differences, 30(8), 1311-1327.
  6. ↑ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sapient-nature/201303/dealing-negative-people
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sapient-nature/201303/dealing-negative-people
  8. ↑ Segrin, C., & Abramson, L. Y. (1994). Negative reactions to depressive behaviors: A communication theories analysis. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 103(4), 655-668.
  9. ↑ http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/9-helpful-tips-to-deal-with-negative-people.html
  10. ↑ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sapient-nature/201112/taking-personal-responsibility-your-happiness
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