Deal With People Who Always Complain

Dealing with people who often complain can be tough. It is annoying and can even be mentally and emotionally draining. Maybe you have a friend or family member who is always complaining. Or it might be someone you work with who brings negativity to your day. No matter who is complaining, there are steps you can take to deal constructively with the situation.

Steps

Dealing With Complaining Friends and Family

1. Change the subject. It can be draining to listen to complaints. It can also make the conversation socially awkward. The next time a friend starts complaining, shift the focus.
   • Maybe your aunt complains about your uncle's busy work schedule. Try saying, "I understand you've been busy, too. Tell me all about your new book club!"
   • When you redirect the conversation, you are demonstrating that you would like to talk about something else. Just make sure to change the subject to something more neutral.
   • Avoid potentially negative topics. For example, if you have a friend who constantly complains about work, don't bring up the subject. Instead, talk about a book you both recently finished.
2. Set boundaries. Maybe your friends constantly use you as a sounding board. If people regularly complain to you, that means they see you as someone who can be trusted. But it can also be emotionally exhausting for you.
   • Let your friends know that you need to set some boundaries. Try saying, "Sara, I'm always here for you. But sometimes I'd like to talk about my own life when I'm with you."
   • Maybe your friend has problems that make you uncomfortable. Don't be afraid to make that clear.
   • For example, maybe your friend regularly complains about her disappointing sex life. Try saying, "Sheryl, would you mind if we change the subject? That kind of personal detail makes me uncomfortable."
3. Promote "I" statements. It is important to explain to your friends and family that it hurts you when they complain all of the time. You can use "I" statements to express your feelings and you can also ask the person who is complaining to rephrase his or her feelings using "I" statements.
   • An "I" statement focuses on the feelings or ideas of the person talking, rather than the person who it listening. Promoting "I" statements in your interactions with others may help you to feel less stressed by the complaints that you hear.
   • When you live with someone who is constantly complaining, it can make you feel like he or she is blaming you for everything that is wrong in the house. Instead of stating, "I'm sick of hearing you complaining," state, "It feels like I'm getting blamed for everything that is wrong in the house."
   • You might also consider saying something like, "Always listening to the negative is very frustrating for me" instead of "You are such an awful complainer!"
   • You can also ask others to rephrase their complaints using "I" statements. For example, ask your sister to say, "I feel like our holiday gatherings are very stressful" instead of saying, "Christmas at your house is horrible!"
   • Try to use "I" statements yourself whenever you are communicating with someone who often complains. This will help you to demonstrate how useful "I" statements can be.
4. Deal with an elderly person who complains often. Elderly people can offer up a lot of complaints. Your family gatherings might suffer if you count an aging family member who complains to your relatives. There are ways that you can learn to deal with this specific situation.
   • Take a minute to listen. Elderly people are often lonely and just want someone to talk to. Change the topic to something cheerful and enjoy a chat.
   • Offer to help. Many elderly people find themselves unable to cope with life's daily challenges.
   • If your grandmother complains about traffic, offer a solution. Tell her you'll be happy to pick up some groceries for her so that she has to spend less time in the car.
5. Cope with a complaining child. If you have kids, you've probably heard more complaints than you ever imagined. Pre-teens and teens in particular often complain a lot. You can choose how to respond to complaints made by a child.
   • Try brainstorming. If your teen complains of boredom, ask him to list some things he would like to do. This will help him learn to find his own solutions.
   • Be patient. Remember that kids are going through a lot of changes.
   • Many times, the complaints of a child are based on anxiety, or even tiredness. Take care to locate the root of the problem.
   • Be non-judgmental. Try not to criticize your child for complaining. For example, if your child complains that dinner is "gross", try saying, "It's unfortunate that you feel that way." If complaining does not earn your child a lot of attention, then he or she will be more likely to find positive things to say.
6. Spend time in groups. When you are in a social situation, it can be awkward to listen to someone who constantly complains. If you have friends or family members who seem to enjoy whining, it can take the fun out of many situations. Try to avoid spending alone time with someone who complains a lot if it bothers you.
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   • People are less likely to complain if there are several people around. You don't have to avoid having a coffee date with your complaining cousin. Just ask others to join you.
   • The next time your cousin asks you for coffee, just say, "That sounds great, but I already have plans with a couple of friends. You don't mind if they join us, do you?"
   • You will feel less pressure to respond to the complaints if you are in a group. If your friend complains that she hates the pizza that's being served, you don't even have to respond if there are others sitting close by. Just allow other group members to carry on the conversation.

Coping With Negative Co-workers

1. Show empathy. Dealing with a complaining co-worker is a frustrating situation. Not only is it awkward, it can also make you less productive. If you regularly cope with complaining colleagues, take steps to handle the situation constructively.
   • Try to be kind. Sometimes people just need to vent.
   • If your co-worker regularly complains of overwork, try saying, "I'm in the same boat. Maybe we could take turns going on caffeine runs for each other."
   • You can also try complimenting the complainer. Try saying, "Wow, you have been putting in a lot of hours. At least it paid off. I heard your presentation was fantastic." This puts a more positive spin on the situation.
2. Offer to help. Remember that complaints are sometimes legitimate. It is possible that the complainer has a real problem. If you can, try to offer your assistance.
   • For example, maybe someone in your office constantly complains about the frigid temperature. If you agree, try suggesting that the two of you talk to your boss about the situation together.
   • Maybe your colleague feels that she is being treated unfairly by your boss. Try saying, "Have you considered talking to HR about the situation?"
   • By offering advice, you are showing that you heard the complaint. You are also demonstrating that the problem can be fixed. Hopefully, the person who is complaining will heed your words.
3. Ask questions. You might find yourself tuning out every time to talk to someone who regularly complains. But try listening. You might find that by asking questions and participating in the conversation, you can make your interactions more positive.
   • Start with a simple question. Try saying, "What do you think you can do to solve the problem?"
   • That puts the responsibility of finding a solution on them, not you. But it also indicates that you are listening.
   • If the person says they don't know what to do, try asking more questions. You could say, "Why don't you spend some time thinking about it? How about we talk again next week if the problem is still happening?"
   • Make an effort to understand the situation. If the person who is complaining says vague things like, "I hate it here", you can try saying, "Why?"
   • This response is non-committal, but will allow you to determine if the complaint is valid. Then you can decide whether to devote more of your attention to the situation.
4. Be honest. It can be fun to socialize with your co-workers. Maybe you have a group from your office who regularly gets together for happy hour. But if someone who often complains tags along, that can ruin the whole evening.
   • Kindly but firmly voice your opinion. Try saying something like, "I really don't feel like discussing work after hours."
   • You can also try gently taking the person aside. You can say, "I know it's helpful to vent, but maybe we could save the work problems for work, ok?"
   • You can also simply turn to someone else and start a different conversation. Others will likely follow your lead and talk about more pleasant topics.
   • Using "I" statements, explain your point of view. You can say, "I feel stressed when you talk about how unhappy you are at work."
5. Take control of the conversation. Your might feel anxious every time a negative co-worker approaches you. Instead of inwardly rolling your eyes, take control of the situation. You can choose how to direct the conversation.
   • End the complaints before they start. When your co-worker approaches, immediately say something positive.
   • For example, you could say, "Hey, Betty! I heard you ran a 5k this weekend. Good job!" By starting the conversation on a positive note, you might be able to head off complaints.
   • If the other person starts to complain, you can end the conversation. Say, "Wow, that sounds frustrating. But I'm on a deadline, so I'm going to have to get back to work right now."

Keeping a Positive Attitude

1. Remove the negativity from your life. Other people's problems can be emotionally draining. If you feel that being around someone is negatively affecting your life, consider removing yourself from the situation. Be mindful of the amount of time that you spend with negative people.
   • You can't always completely cut people out of your life. For example, the person who complains a lot might be a family member.
   • You can, however, take the pressure off of yourself to attend every gathering. If Uncle Greg really stresses you out, it's okay to take a pass on the next family gathering. Just plead a prior commitment.
   • If you have a friend who is really draining your energy, you might want to limit your time together. You can try saying, "John, I'm focusing on making some changes in my life and I'm going to have to stop meeting you for dinner each Tuesday."
2. Practice positive thinking. Keeping a positive attitude can make a major difference in your life. Remember, you can't control how other people behave. But you can choose how to react.
   • Make a conscious effort to remain positive. For example, the next time you are listening to complaints, try thinking to yourself, "Wow, my life seems pretty great in comparison."
   • Positive thinking doesn't mean that you have to ignore problems. It just means that you can choose to focus on finding solutions and other, more positive issues.
   • Positive thinking can help reduce your stress. This can benefit your physical and mental health.
3. Commit to self-care. Remaining positive can help you feel better able to cope with constant complaints. In order to keep a positive attitude, you need to take care of yourself. Make sure to make self-care a priority.
   • Self-care means making sure that you are meeting both your physical and emotional needs. Take time to check in with yourself each day.
   • Ask yourself, "How am I doing? Do I need a break?" If the answer is yes, then take one.
   • A simple five minute walk around the block can do wonders for your mental health. Or you can try taking a relaxing bubble bath.
4. Reduce your stress. If you reduce your overall stress level, you will be better able to cope with people who complain often. Try to find ways to ease your tension. There are many steps you can take to do this.
   • Eat a healthy diet. Fast food can feel good in the moment, but a lot of sugars and fats can actually worsen your mood. Try to eat more fresh fruits and vegetables.
   • Get moving. Physical exercise is a proven mood booster. Aim for at least 30 minutes of physical activity most days of the week.
   • Rest up. If you are tired, you will find complaints more aggravating. Try to get at least seven to nine hours of sleep each night to help reduce your stress levels.

Tips

• Address the situation honestly. Let the person who is complaining know how you feel.
• Remove yourself from the situation.
• Mentally prepare yourself to cope with the person who complains all of the time.
• Always be confident, in order to achieve something.

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Sources and Citations

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