Deal With Your Brother or Sisters' Death

The loss of a family member is probably one of the hardest emotional experiences we ever have to endure. The death of a brother or sister comes with its own unique set of thoughts and feelings. It can be a confusing and distressing at times, no matter what your age. How is the best way to cope with such an event?

Steps

  1. Accept there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to deal with this. You may feel numb or in disbelief for some time. You may feel like you should feel sadder. You may feel like you couldn't ever feel sadder than this. You may want to scream and shout. You may want to lock yourself away alone. All of these are normal feelings and it's perfectly ok to feel this way. Do not put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way.
  2. Keep talking about how you are feeling as much as possible. It may not always be easy to put into words but try to explain to others around you how you are feeling. Close friends and family will want to help you as much as possible but won't always know how, so telling them how you feel and how you need them to act around you will help them to figure out how best to help you.
  3. Also be aware you may need time to yourself. Whilst it is good to keep talking to others as much as possible, you may also need some time to yourself to process your own thoughts and feelings. This is perfectly ok. You may find that going to a particular place helps you to focus your thoughts - this may be a place that was special to your sibling, your brother or sister's resting place, a quiet park, or even your own room. You may also find writing down your thoughts and feelings helps you to get things a little more straight in your mind.
  4. Create mementos or items to celebrate and remember your brother or sister. This could include getting involved with their funeral arrangements by helping to pick the songs or readings. You may even want to read something out yourself. You may not feel up to contributing to the ceremony much and it may only be later on that you feel you can start remembering your brother or sister without it seeming too painful. There are lots of ideas for items you can make to help you keep their memory alive; scrapbooks, memory boxes, photo albums, poetry, playlists. The more personal they are, the better they will be for you when you want to spend some time remembering your sibling and the good times you had together. You may also find spending time doing projects with other members of your family can help you cope - these projects may be totally unrelated to your brother or sister but can help give you something else to focus on whilst still in an environment where you are still surrounded by other people who know what you are going through.
  5. Remember you are not the only person to be grieving and other people's actions will be influenced by this. Other siblings, your parents, cousins, grandparents, friends, aunties and uncles will all be touched by your brother or sister's death in different ways. Remember this and treat their wishes and emotions with the same respect you want yours to be treated. You may get asked a lot how your parents are coping, and this may seem hurtful and disrespectful if it feels like people are ignoring your feelings over that of your parents. These people are just trying to help and may not feel comfortable asking you directly how you are feeling. But always remember that your emotions, and your ways of grieving and coping, are just as valid as anybody else's.
  6. Look for counseling or other professional help. This is a serious event to happen in your life and there is no shame in seeking outside help. There is lots of support out there and many people find comfort in speaking to people outside of their friends and family. From group meetings to one-on-one sessions, telephone lines and internet forums, there are plenty of places to go to if you feel you need to. Your doctor will be able to point in the best direction.
  7. Specifically ask not for pity. Sympathetic glances every once in a while are okay, but most people who have just been through such an ordeal don't appreciate pity like most people mistakenly think they do. If you make it clear right away, people will try to avoid doing something to displease you, especially at a time of suffering.
  8. Whenever you are talking with someone, don't act unusually or bring up the topic. That results in pity, which is something you absolutely do not want.
  9. Grieve but not too much. This also includes not wallowing in self pity.
  10. If someone gives you a present reminding you of your late sibling, keep it. Don't throw it away or rid of it any other way. Later on, when the grief has gone away a little more, you'll crave memories, and a gift that reminds you of your sibling would be the perfect thing to take out right then.
  11. Make a little "memory gift" yourself. These include scrapbooks, photo albums, dedication websites, etc. Keep your late sibling in your heart constantly.

Tips

  • Don't be afraid to cry.
  • Know that you will never 'get over' your siblings death as you will probably always want to remember them and will always be sad that they are gone. However, in time, you find the way that is right for you to keep remembering them but also move forward. You will have happy times again.
  • Talk to the person you have lost as if they are in the room with you. Tell them how you feel and how you feel about them passing. It is a way of telling them all the things you might not have had the chance to say before they passed away.
  • People want to help you, so always ask for help if you need it.
  • There are lots of websites out there which offer advice and support. These can be general bereavement sites or sites specific to sibling support, or even specific to the cause of your brother or sister's death.
  • Don't overdo the memories. The first couple of days, you need to be alone without any remembrances. Then, when some time passes and you start to miss them, dig out all those old photo albums you never used to look at and start flipping through it for pictures.
  • Try to get on with your life. There's not much more to say about this one-it's straightforward and pretty self explanatory. You have to stop hiding in the shadow of grief and mourning. Show the world that you are capable of handling a death!
  • Surround yourself with the people closest to you and support each other as much as you can.
  • Try not to put any extra pressure on yourself, this is a traumatic and devastating event and exhausting.
  • Allow yourself to cry and feel the pain but remembering the good times will also help.
  • Find ways to share their memories and celebrate their life.
  • You need a lot of time to think and to grieve and if you never saw your brother or sister than have a couple of months to get your head around it and if you need help talk to a train professional.
  • If you really need to, just go into your room and cry. It is understandable, because other family members might want to do the same.
  • Never be afraid to show your feelings. If you're scared or sad, tell someone close who you love and get it out.

Warnings

  • Such a major loss can lead to depressive and suicidal thoughts. This is not abnormal but make sure you seek professional help from your doctor straight away if you do start suffering from these.

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