Deal with the Death of a Grandmother

For many, losing a grandparent means losing a very special family member who has played a major role in their life. If you have recently lost your grandmother you might feel a number of different emotions. It can be very confusing and frightening to lose a loved one. Your grandmother may even be the first person in your life to ever die, which can further complicate your feelings. Death is a natural part of life, and we all have to deal with it at some point. Learn how to get closure, support, and move on after losing your grandmother.

Steps

Getting Closure

  1. Feel your emotions. You will go through the process much more easily if you do not try to fight or hold in what you're feeling. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time-frame in which grief ends. Try to open yourself up to the anger, sadness, confusion, or abandonment feelings that come over you. As time passes, you should begin to heal and feel better.
    • Some grandchildren may take a grandmother's death harder due to the duration and closeness of the relationship, the cause of death, or how other family members are reacting.[1] Adults should be sure to demonstrate authentic grief and let any children or adolescents know that it's okay to cry or be sad.
  2. Think about what you learned from knowing her. Take some time for yourself to understand your thoughts about your grandmother's death. Write them down in a journal if you feel like that helps. Remember the good memories you had and the impact she had on your life. Ask others to share stories about the long, full life she had. This should bring you comfort knowing that her time on earth was filled with family, love, and interesting experiences.
  3. Attend the memorial. Attending the memorial service is a terrific way to get closure from your grandmother's death, and offer support to other family members.
    • If you are a minor, it will be up to your parents and your age as to whether you are allowed to attend the funeral or memorial service. If you have a desire to attend, express your opinion to your parents.
    • Then, they can explain to you what will happen at the service and determine if you will feel comfortable attending. They should know that attending the memorial can help you get closure and celebrate your grandma's life.[2]
  4. Create a memory box or book.[1] It can be helpful to process your feelings about your grandmother's death while making a memory box or book. Choose some of your favorite memories in the form of photos and mementos that you shared with your grandmother. Ideas for what to include in your box are endless--try using recipes, favorite song lyrics, or collecting short stories about her life to put inside. Decorate your box/book to your liking.
    • If you are younger person who was not allowed to attend the memorial service, this can be a creative activity that brings you closure. However, even if you did attend the memorial service, it could still be helpful to connect with your memories and talk it over with someone while doing this creative activity.
  5. Understand the death. Ask questions to come to an understanding of your grandmother's death. You might get closure by learning that, after a long illness, your grandmother is no longer in pain. Depending on your age, your ability to understand death will vary.[3]
    • Really young kids, around age 5 or 6, often think in literal terms, so saying "Grandma went to sleep" might make them worry that the same will happen to them when they sleep. Parents should reassure kids that they were not responsible for the death because some kids fear a death happened because of something they did.[4] For example, the child might think Grandma died because he didn't visit her often enough.
    • Older children and adolescents above the age of 9 can often understand the finality of death and that everyone eventually dies.

Getting Support

  1. Spend time with family. The grieving process is only intensified when you pull away and isolate yourself from others. Remind yourself of the people still here and that they, too, lost an important family member. Fight the desire to pull away or appear strong and seek comfort from loved ones who are also mourning.[5]
  2. Turn to your faith. If you have religious or spiritual beliefs, now is the time to search out those verses or quotes that remind you that things will get better soon. Participating in religious/spiritual functions can further help you find closure, connect with others, and provide you with hope for the future.
    • Research has shown that people with strong spiritual beliefs--because of the principles described about human life and existence beyond--tend to resolve their grief sooner than those who do not.[6]
    • If you are a non-believer, secular rituals, such as packing up grandma's things or regularly visiting her grave, could help you resolve your grief and find comfort.[7]
  3. Join a support group. A bereavement support group can help you and other family members come to terms with the loss. In the groups, you will be able to listen to and share your own feelings and stories with others who are also grieving. These support groups will provide coping resources for overcoming grief over the next several weeks and months after the death.[8][9]
  4. Go see a grief counselor. If you find that you continue to heavily mourn the death and cannot function in your daily life, you may need to seek professional help. A grief or bereavement counselor can be effective with helping you process the loss of your grandmother and learn how to properly cope.[5]

Moving Forward After Loss

  1. Relive the memories. The best way to feel better after losing a loved one is to remember the good times that you shared. The times you laughed, did silly things together, whatever fond memories you have of the person who has passed away. It also may be helpful to revisit your memory box or book as time passes, so that you don't forget all the great times you had with your grandmother.
  2. Take care of yourself. When we're mourning a loved one, it becomes easy to neglect ourselves in favor of lying in bed all day with a box of tissues. Try to get up and get outside to get some fresh air. Eat regular, balanced meals and aim for some physical activity a few times each week. Self-care activities also mean nurturing your body and spirit. Get a massage, take a relaxing bath with scented oils, meditate, write in your journal, or steal a few hours away to read a good book.[10][11]
  3. Support other family members.[12] Concentrating on helping out others can help you process and move through your own grief. Try to be there for your parents and siblings when you are all going through this. One of your parents lost their mom, which is a terrible loss to bear. Remind them that you love them and offer to do small things that bring them comfort like making tea or lighting a fire.
  4. Channel some part of her into your life. It can be gratifying to know that your grandmother lives on in your memories. You can continue to celebrate her life by picking up some activity or hobby of hers and making it your own. Consider learning to sew if she was really good at it, or take the time to make some of her traditional family recipes when you cook or bake.
  5. Know that it's okay to smile again. You may feel guilty for having fun or laughing after your grandmother's death. You might think it's disrespectful to her memory to be happy. That's not true. Hopefully, your grandmother lived a nice, full life and she would surely want the same for you. The grief process can feel very dark and bleak; don't be afraid to let a little light seep in by way of fun nights out with friends or board games with your family.[13]

Tips

  • If you don't feel like you can handle work and/or school right away, stay home. You may need time to mourn and recover, and it's normal and even expected.
  • Being sad and angry or disappointed are an important part of the process of healing. Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is the result of a strong relationship.
  • If you feel extreme sadness, anger or anxiety, talk to a trusted adult about your feelings. Just talking about your feelings can make you feel so much better, and the trusted adult can help comfort you and help you.

Warnings

  • Be careful about saying to a child that someone died because he or she was old. The child may become fearful about losing other “old” people and may have distorted ideas of age.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 http://www.grandparentsplus.org.uk/bereavement
  2. ↑ http://www.childcareresourcesinc.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/13.-When-a-Grandparent-Dies1.pdf
  3. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html#
  4. ↑ http://alaska.providence.org/services/c/childrens/support-and-resources/helpingchildren]
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
  6. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC116607/
  7. ↑ http://www.the-brights.net/action/activities/organized/arenas/2/parenting/DealingWithDeath.pdf
  8. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/support-groups
  9. ↑ http://www.griefshare.org/findagroup
  10. ↑ https://www.caring.com/questions/taking-care-during-the-grieving-process
  11. ↑ http://connect.legacy.com/inspire/page/show?id=1984035%3APage%3A3300
  12. ↑ http://cmhc.utexas.edu/griefloss.html
  13. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/dealing-with-loss-and-grief-be-good-to-yourself-while-you-heal/
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