Grieve a Friend's Death with Mutual Friends
The death of a friend can be a devastating loss and it can be hard to cope with their passing. You might be reflecting on all of the times that you spent with them or even regretting some of the things you never told them. However, having mutual friends to grieve with can be an instrumental part of the healing process. If you work to communicate effectively with these friends, spend time with them, and also focus on your own needs, you can grieve your friend in a healthy way.
Contents
Steps
Communicating with your Friends
- Reflect on memories of your deceased friend. After your friend has passed, get your friends together to reminisce. Reflect on your past memories of them. Be honest about how you are feeling. Laugh if you feel so inclined or cry if you need to. Listen to your friends as they share their memories, too.
- You could start off by saying “Do y’all remember when Charles fell off of his bike when we were at the park that one day and we all couldn’t stop laughing? That was one of my favorite memories of him and of us all together.”
- Don’t micromanage your friends feelings. When having these discussions, remember that you experienced the friendship differently than they did. They had their own personal relationship with your deceased friend that, though you witnessed, you were not fully a part of. If you feel that they are being too emotional or perhaps even not emotional enough, avoid trying to make them behave differently or telling them how they should feel.
- For instance, perhaps one of your friends has been acting very standoffish and it might appear that they don’t care. Remember that you don’t know what’s going on in their head or how they experience and handle grief. Check in with them regularly to see if they are okay.
- Offer help to your friends. After this loss, there will be some days that you will feel stronger and more productive than others. During this time, see if you can be of any assistance to your friends. Check in to see if they need any errands run or if they would like you to bring them some food. Helping others will help you work through your own grief.
- Accept and ask for help when needed. Just as there will be times that you can offer help, know that it is okay to ask for help, too. If you’re feeling particularly down in the dumps, don’t shy away from asking for help. If your friends are offering some assistance to you, accept it and return the favor later.
- You might call or text your friends and say something like “Hey everyone, I’m feeling a bit down in the dumps today. Anyone wanna come over to keep me company?”
- Continue to check in even after it’s been a few months. After the initial sting of this loss, you might begin to get back into the groove of life, which is normal. However, know that grief is a lifelong process, particularly over someone you were close with. Continue to reach out to your friends weeks and months after the loss to see how they are doing and maintain your friendship.
- One great way to keep in touch with everyone is to establish a group text that you can use periodically.
Spending Time Together
- Have a sleepover. After the loss, you or your friends may not want to be alone very much. Whether you are a teen or a grown adult, consider spending a night or two together to comfort one another and provide some relief.
- You can listen to music, cook dinner or order out, watch a movie together, or just spend some time talking.
- Schedule meals together. Alone time can be good in sorting through grief after a loss, but having meals with someone can be a nice break from sadness. Cooking for yourself each night can seem daunting, but you and your friends could consider taking turns cooking a larger meal each night. This way, you don’t have to worry about cooking every day and you get to spend time with friends.
- Keep traditions alive. Perhaps you had some traditions within your group like going to see a movie once per month or taking an annual beach trip. Continue to keep your friendship strong despite this loss by maintaining and growing these traditions.
- Create a book club. Another way that you can work through your grief together is to start a book club with you friends. Consider selecting a book about grief or loss in general. Get together weekly to discuss your reflections and thoughts about the book.
- Spend some time in silence. Your time with your friends does not need to always be filled with meals, books or chatter. Sometimes, silence is the best medicine. Don’t feel the need to talk constantly or plan activities. Plan some time to just be together without words or structure.
Taking Care of Yourself
- Get help for your friends when necessary. Though it is good to try to help your friends through this difficult time, especially if they are taking it worse than you, don’t always feel the need to rescue them. Know that you don’t have to be at your friend’s beck and call every time they reach out to you. Enable them to find additional systems of support.
- If you feel that your friend needs help beyond what you are able to provide, consider seeking help for them. Call a friend to help you or even call 911 if they are violent or suicidal.
- Be present. It can sometimes be easier to avoid your feelings of grief by submerging yourself in work or some other activity. However, in order to heal, you must be fully present. Don’t try to stifle your feelings; express them instead. Take some time each day to be alone and cry, journal, meditate, or reflect. Give your friends your attention when you are together and be sure to keep up with your other responsibilities.
- Make a set routine. Though grief is important, be sure you are attending to all of the things that you need to do. Each day, write out a list of all of the things that you need to do the next day. Try to keep your routine as uniform and normal as possible in order to restore some calm to your life.
- For instance, you might have to go to work, pick up your child, cook dinner, and then clean up your home each day. Try to stick to this routine while incorporating time just for you.
- Take care of yourself. Know that self-care is critical. You cannot care for others nor can you process your grief if you do not take care of yourself. Be sure to eat at least two meals a day. Keep your hygiene up by showering at least once daily and keeping yourself neat and well kempt. If you can, exercise as well.
