Recognize Signs of an Abusive Man

If you have been the victim of an abusive relationship in the past, you should be especially careful about who you enter into a relationship with in the future so that you do not repeat a pattern. Even if you have not been in an abusive relationship, you should be aware of the characteristics of men who could turn out to be abusers to protect yourself.

Steps

Assessing Personality

  1. Be wary of men who seem perfect. Obviously, not everyone who seems perfect is abusive. But some men who are abusive care about outward image and popularity, and make it a point to have many friends.[1] He may be so concerned about his image that he will be less concerned about maintaining a healthy relationship.
    • This is also related to a tendency for abusers to be very controlling; they control their own image very carefully. Likewise, they expect to be able to control other people completely.[2]
  2. Watch out for signs of codependence or very quick commitment. Men who are abusers tend to get into relationships very quickly.[2] This is related to extremes in behavior that are also common to abusers.[1] Someone may have abusive characteristics if he:[2]
    • Pushes you to commit to exclusivity or living together very quickly
    • Claims that your relationship was “love at first sight” or that he can’t live without you
    • Makes you feel guilty for not feeling ready to commit as quickly as he is
  3. Monitor jealousy and insecurity levels. Does he overreact when you spend time with others? Does he dislike your friends for no apparent reason? Does he accuse you of cheating? These can be signs that he is overly jealous. An even greater indication that his jealousy is excessive is a tendency to twist or manipulate the way he expresses his jealousy. Some ways that he may manipulate or reframe his jealousy include:[3]
    • Saying that his jealousy is a sign of his deep love
    • Masking jealous behavior as concern
    • Claiming that he is curious about how you spent your day and who you talked to when he is really monitoring your behavior and interactions
    • Saying that he doesn’t like you spending time with others because he misses you too much himself
    • Pretending to stop by to surprise you with a gift or a visit when he is really checking to see what you are doing
  4. Talk to a potential partner about feelings. Many abusive men have difficulty expressing their feelings. Before entering into a serious relationship with someone, you should have many conversations with him in which you can evaluate his personality and determine whether he can talk to you about things that are related to feelings.[1] This also shows that he is willing to feel vulnerable, something that many abusers are uncomfortable with.
  5. Do not tolerate violence or signs of violence. If a potential partner shows signs of violence towards you, others, or even inanimate objects, you should likely avoid a relationship with him. For example, if he gets mad and punches a wall or table, he could be showing a tendency to become violent in the future.
    • Another potential warning sign for violence is the use of force or control, even in a supposedly playful way, with sex.[2]
  6. Look for a history of abuse. People who are abusive in relationships are often abusive in other situations. Try to find out about a history of abuse in other relationships, towards family members, or towards animals.[2] Most men who have been abusive to others in the past will continue to be abusive in the future.
    • If you decide to enter into a relationship with someone with a history of abuse, encourage him to participate in a batterer intervention program.[4]

Evaluating Your Relationship

  1. Determine whether your relationship is loving and healthy. Your relationship may not be fully developed if you are in the early stages, but you should be able to determine whether it is on the road to being a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is built on love, trust, and communication. A few signs of a healthy relationship are when both partners in the relationship are able to:[5]
    • Share feelings and thoughts openly
    • Feel secure and happy in themselves
    • Admit when they are wrong
    • Share what they admire about their partner
    • Spend time on a variety of activities: intimacy, play, serious conversation, sharing new experiences, etc.
  2. Talk to your partner about his feelings about relationship roles. You might specifically want to ask about his views on equal partnership. Some abusive men have very strong feelings about “traditional” gender roles in a relationship.[1] Remember, however, that some people talk a good game, but do not follow through with their actions.
    • Abusive men will often think of women as inferior to men.[2] If a potential partner expresses ideas that men are superior to women, he is unlikely to be a good match, even if he doesn’t turn out to be abusive. You should be with someone who respects you.
  3. Notice if your partner attempts to isolate you. An early warning sign of an abusive or controlling relationship is a man trying to keep you from other people.[2] If he seems to be limiting the time you spend with friends or family, get out now. This is a trend that continues and escalates in an abusive relationship until the victim is so isolated that she feels as though she has nowhere to go if she wishes to leave.[6]
  4. Ask others how your partner speaks of you when you are not around. Even when they are having problems, members of a committed, healthy relationship speak well of each other to others.[7] If your partner talks down about you, insults you, or blames you for problems while you are not around, he may be heading down the road towards abuse. While it can be difficult to know how someone speaks about you while you’re not there, if you feel uneasy about it, you can always ask other people.[8]

Recognizing Signs of Victimization

  1. Notice whether you fear your partner. It is not normal to be afraid of your partner or his temper.[1] If you are just beginning a relationship and you are afraid of your partner, you should take immediate steps to get out. The longer an abusive relationship goes on, the worse the abuse gets. The victim, despite the escalating abuse, usually finds it more difficult to leave. [9]
  2. Consider whether you feel a lot of guilt. [1] Do you feel guilty a lot of the time? Do you feel as though you are somehow failing your new partner, or you’re not good enough? Sometimes guilt is completely self-created, but abusers are great about manipulating their victims into feeling guilty. This is one of the tools that abusers use to keep victims in a relationship.[9]
    • If your guilt is coming completely from within, you may want to seek therapy to address the underlying cause of the guilt.
    • If you are being manipulated or talked into feeling guilty, your partner may be subtly controlling your thoughts and actions.
  3. Evaluate whether you are spending time the way you want to. Some victims of abuse will feel that they have to ask permission of their partner before they do anything.[1] If you find yourself only doing what your partner wants to do or asking him if it’s okay for you to go do something, you may be turning into a victim.
    • Note that asking for permission to do something is different from communicating about how you spend your time. You can communicate and agree on what to do without losing control of your own actions.
  4. Hold on to your existing friends and hobbies. It can be easy to get swept up into a new relationship, but if you feel that you are losing touch with who you were before your relationship started, take a step back. You should be able to incorporate a new relationship into your life without losing touch with your friends and letting go of the things you enjoyed doing before you met your new partner.



Tips

  • Don't keep abuse a secret! Tell someone whom you love, trust, and know.
  • An abusive man may accuse you of not loving him. Do not be fooled. This is merely a tactic to make you feel guilty and to stay with him.
  • If you tell him that you do not tolerate this behavior and he apologizes one minute and then blames you the next, then he is not sincere. It is time to move on.
  • If a man hits you, leave. This can be part of a violent pattern. There will be a second time, a third time, a fourth time, a hundredth time, until you leave or die. Get out of there.
  • If you decide to leave him, then you must do so and break all ties and communication with him. It is the only way you can successfully move on. He must respect this. He must leave you alone if you request it.
  • When you tell him it's over, make sure to do it in a place where you can be seen, but not necessarily heard, by other people. The last thing you want is to get abused as a result of trying to stop the abuse, and he will be less likely to try anything in a public area.
  • If you recognize that you're the abuser, take immediate action to bring it up and get immediate help.
  • Have a safe place to go away to. It should not be a place he can find you. Try to secure a place that is neutral, where he has no access.
  • Keep a copy of important keys and documents in a place where only you can find them so that if you need to make a quick escape you are not locked in the house and have access to your car and passport and anything else you need.

Warnings

  • Some abusers can be excellent actors. Never underestimate this. Especially if you're thinking of leaving, and the abuser has a seemingly sudden change of personality, such as an unexpected positive sense, i.e. showering you with apology gifts, repeatedly saying how sorry they are, insisting they'll never treat you that way again, etc.
  • Don't be a victim, remove yourself by any means possible from a dangerous situation.
  • Try to let someone know of your situation so that they can help.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 1.6 http://safeharborsfl.org/domestic-violence/teen-dating-violence/characteristics-of-abusers-and-victims
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 2.5 2.6 http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/warning_signs.html
  3. ↑ http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/warning_signs.html
  4. ↑ http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/userfiles/file/Children_and_Families/Certified%20Batterer%20Intervention%20Programs.pdf
  5. ↑ http://www.biomedsearch.com/article/essential-elements-healthy-relationship-Relationships/99514103.html
  6. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
  7. ↑ http://www.biomedsearch.com/article/essential-elements-healthy-relationship-Relationships/99514103.html
  8. ↑ http://theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
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