Get Out of an Abusive Relationship

Abuse can take a variety of forms, but both mental and physical abuse need to be addressed swiftly and safely. If you're in an abusive relationship, you need to take immediate action to preserve your own well-being and find the road to your recovery. Plan a proper end to your abusive relationship, keep yourself safe, and move on.

Steps

Assessing Your Situation

  1. Get help. There are often local resources to help victims of abuse. If you are not sure where to start or if you just want to talk to someone about whether your relationship is abusive, try one of the following resources. Be careful using your own home computer or your cellular phone, as your page visits and phone calls may be stored in the history or call log.
  2. Recognize abuse. If you are the target of physical violence from your partner, you are in an abusive relationship, period. However, abuse can take many other forms that are more difficult to detect and common for victims to justify. Your partner doesn't need to raise a hand against you to consider it abuse.[1]
    • Physical abuse means hitting, pushing, or any other form of physical assault on your person. There's no excuse for physical assault, even once, and physical abuse is cause for criminal charges and immediate termination of the relationship.
    • Emotional abuse can include humiliation, belittling, controlling behavior, threats, intimidation, and degradation. If your partner continually makes you feel worthless, pathetic, or terrible, you are probably in an abusive situation.[2]
    • Financial abuse occurs when an abuser take complete control over you by rigidly controlling your finances to the point that you lose personal freedom. This can take on many forms, including limiting your ability to work, taking money that you earn, or not allowing you access to shared bank accounts.[1]
    • Sexual abuse is unfortunately a common part of abusive relationships. Just because you've consented to sex before doesn't mean you've consented to sex at all times, nor should being in a relationship for a certain length of time mean that sex is "required." If you feel that you are being pressured into sex that is unwanted, unsafe, or degrading, you are being abused.[1]
      • Another element of sexual abuse is a man impregnating a woman without her consent or forcing her to terminate a pregnancy against her will.[3]
  3. Do not excuse or dismiss abusive behavior. It is very common for abusers to lead victims to believe that the abuse is the victims’ fault. Someone acting aggressive, violent, or manipulative towards you is never your fault. Know that your relationship can still be abusive, even if:
    • Your partner has never hit you. Emotional or verbal abuse is still abuse.[1]
    • The abuse doesn’t seem as bad as other instances of abuse you’ve heard about. [1]
    • Physical violence has only happened once or twice. Any physical violence is a sign that more is possible. [1]
    • Signs of abuse stopped when you became passive, stopped arguing, or refrained from expressing your own thoughts or opinions. [1]
  4. Document the abuse. If you eventually face your abuser in court, hard evidence can help you get a restraining order, win a custody battle, or otherwise ensure that this sort of abuse will never happen again.
    • If you can, try to record some audio of your abuser intimidating or threatening you. This can do a lot in helping to establish the character of your abuser, who will likely be on best behavior in court.
    • Take photographs of physical abuse. Always immediately report physical abuse to the authorities and seek immediate medical attention. The medical records and police report will provide thorough documentation of the abuse.
  5. Remember that abuse is not your fault. You are not responsible for the actions of your partner, regardless of what the abuser says. You don't "deserve" to be abused, you didn’t do anything to cause the abuse, and you deserve to live a happy life free of violence.[4]
    • The thought and behavior patterns that lead the abuser to commit abuse are caused by deep-seated emotional and psychological problems, not your actions. Unfortunately, without professional help, these issues are unlikely to resolve themselves.

Making a Safety Plan

  1. Keep a list of safe people with their contact information. Should you need to call someone for help, you need to have phone numbers written down (so you can use someone else’s phone if necessary). Your safe people shouldn’t be the first people that your abuser would think of you going to. Also include numbers for the police, hospital, and local shelter.[5]
    • Keep your list hidden or disguise it as something else if you fear that finding it would provoke your abuser to violence.
    • If you have children, be sure they have access to a list of phone numbers to call or take to a neighbor or friend in the event of an emergency (in addition to calling 911).
  2. Agree on a code word. You can decide on an use a “safety word” or a code word to use with children, neighbors, friends, or coworkers to indicate that you are in distress and need help. [4] If you do this, the person to whom you communicate the code word should have a specific plan to respond, such as calling the police immediately.
  3. Have an emergency plan. If you are living in an abusive situation, you should make a plan for dealing with violent episodes. Know the areas of your house that are safest for you to run to (do not go to a small room with no escapes or a room with objects that can easily be used as weapons).[4]
    • Part of your emergency plan should be an escape plan. You should try to leave your vehicle full of gas and easily accessible. If possible, hide an extra car key somewhere you know you can get to it on your way out. Practice quickly leaving your house and getting into the car, and if you have children, have them practice with you.[4]
  4. Open a separate bank account and put aside some money. If you have time, it's good to plan ahead by opening a separate bank account or credit card in your name only, and preferably a PO Box to receive correspondence that doesn't need to go through your abuser. Start channeling your own money into that account and save some so that you'll be able to get started without having to worry about money at first.
    • This could be difficult if your abuser practices financial abuse. Do not allow a low account balance or a lack of any emergency funds to keep you in an abusive situation. A shelter, family, and friends may offer financial help to get you back on your feet.
  5. Hide an overnight bag. To make sure you're able to leave at a moment's notice, pack up an overnight bag and hide it somewhere safe, where your abuser can't find it. You might decide to keep it at someone else’s house to prevent your abuser’s finding it.[5] Keep it light and easy to carry, so that you can grab it and leave if you need to.[6] In it, keep:
    • Any prescription medications
    • Legal identification and copies of important paperwork
    • Clothing
    • Some toiletries
  6. Make a plan for any children. You should talk to a shelter, a helpline, or a lawyer about whether it would be best to take your children with you when you leave. If they are in danger, you should do everything you can to get them out of danger. If they are not in danger, it may be safer for you to leave alone to begin with.[5]

Getting Away

  1. End the relationship as soon as possible. Depending on how involved the relationship is, you may need to make preparations for your departure, making certain to keep yourself as safe as possible. If you have only begun the relationship, you may be able to simply walk away, but abusive marriages can be much more complicated. Form a plan and put it into effect at the soonest possible moment.
    • Don't wait for abuse to worsen before you act. If you are in a relationship that is starting to become abusive, it is not likely that your partner will be able to change. Abuse isn't caused by the victim doing something "wrong," it's caused by the abuser.
  2. Choose a safe window of time for leaving. If you are going to leave, you likely need to do it while your abuser is not home. Plan and prepare to leave at a time when your abuser will be out of the house. Give yourself plenty of time to gather your emergency bag, essential paperwork, and get away before you can be followed.
    • You do not have to leave a note or an explanation for why you are leaving. It is okay to just leave.
    • If you do not have access to your own transportation, make arrangements to have someone pick you up. If you fear that you are in imminent danger, you can have the police pick you up and remove you from your home.
  3. Leave your cell phone behind. If you have your important numbers in another place, consider leaving your cell phone behind when you go. Cell phones can be set for tracking (convenient for locating a lost or stolen phone, but not for escaping an abuser). Leaving it behind can help you leave behind your abuser.[4]
    • Consider getting a prepaid cell phone and having it packed in your emergency bag. This could allow you to make important calls related to your escape and safety without potentially leading your abuser to you.[4]
  4. Get a Personal Protection Order (PPO). A PPO is a court-backed document that allows you legal protection from a past abuser. To file for a PPO, take any and all evidence of abuse you have as well as a letter describing the abusive situation and the relationship between you and your abuser to your local courthouse. They should provide you with further instructions about how to fill out the appropriate paperwork to get a legal PPO.[7]
    • After you file for your PPO, if it is approved, it will need to be legally served to your abuser, and you will need to file a proof of service with the court. Talk to the clerk at the courthouse about how to do this.[7]
    • Once you have a PPO, keep it with you at all times. If your abuser violates the terms of the PPO, you may need to show the PPO to the police. [7]
  5. Change your locks and passwords. Abusive exes can be incredibly malicious and dangerous after you leave. To protect yourself, you'll want to eliminate ways for your ex to intrude on your life or sabotage you in any way.
    • In cases of severe violence, or if you fear for your life, you may need to relocate to a new place. You can take steps to make your new location anonymous, such as applying to an address confidentiality program or using a P.O. Box for mail, changing all of your financial account information, and having an unlisted phone number.[4]
    • If you live in your own house or apartment and have ended a relationship with someone who did not live with you, you should change your locks. Even if you don't think your ex has a key, he may have made a copy of your keys without your knowledge.
  6. Keep your online information safe. If you are getting out of or you have just left an abusive relationship, change all of your passwords.[4] Your online passwords for banking, social media, email, and even work need to be changed as soon as possible. You should take this step even if you do not think that your abuser knows your passwords.
  7. Block the abuser on your phone, email, and social media. You can't change how your ex will react to your departure. You can, however, limit contact with your abuser after you have left. As soon as you're able to, block your ex on all avenues of communication. Most modern communication devices have built-in blocking features, but you may have to contact your phone company directly to block your abuser from calling you.
    • If your abuser finds ways to harass you, change your contact information. It can be inconvenient to change all of your contact information and to ensure that only your close friends and loved ones learn your new information, but it can help keep your abuser from getting in touch with you again.
  8. Consider filing formal charges. If you absolutely can't seem to rid yourself of your abuser, know that you have legal options at your disposal. Chief among these is the restraining order, as well as assault charges, given the proper evidence and circumstances. Speak with the authorities and a domestic violence counselor for more information.
    • If you can demonstrate evidence of abuse in a court of law, you may still be able to win a restraining order against your abusive ex. If your abuser comes within a certain distance of you, this is a violation of the law.

Moving On

  1. Connect with your loved ones. Once you've left, spend a lot of time talking with people you trust and enjoy. Many people become isolated from friends and family while they are in abusive relationships. If this is the case for you, try to reconnect with those people you have been missing.
    • If you don’t have many friends or family, try making new friends. Ask a coworker who has been a “work friend” out for coffee after work sometime or connect with a new neighbor if you’ve moved to a new place.
  2. Attend a domestic violence support group.[4] There are lots of men and women who survive abuse, and all of them need to talk. Finding a community of people with similar experiences can help you learn to process the guilt, frustration, and complicated emotions that you're likely experiencing after ending an abusive relationship. Don't try to do it alone. Support groups can help you:
    • Process your guilt
    • Understand your anger
    • Talk through your feelings
    • Find hope
    • Understand abuse
  3. Seek therapy. Most victims of abuse have suffered emotional or psychological trauma from their relationship.[4] A therapist can help you work through your feelings of trauma and help you form healthier relationships in the future.
  4. Try not to rush into a new relationship. Many victims of abuse want to rush into a new relationship that will fill the void of affection and intimacy that was lacking in their previous relationship.[4] In the long run, you will eventually find a healthy relationship where you are respected, but try not to rush your recovery. After you come out of an abusive relationship, you may feel that you will never find the correct partner. Don't fall prey to this self-sabotaging though pattern. Given plenty of time, you will eventually find someone who is just right for you and who respects you.
  5. Do not give your past abuser “another chance.” It is very common for abusers to apologize and say that they will never abuse you again. If your partner approaches you and claims to have changed, you may feel pity for your partner. However, it is important at this stage to stick to your decision. A person who abused you before will likely abuse you again.
    • There are batterer intervention programs[8] available to help abusers stop abusing others, but these have mixed results. They seem to be more effective when the batterer chooses to enter the program rather than being court-ordered.
  6. Avoid abusive relationships in the future. Once you have successfully gotten out of an abusive relationship, the last thing you want to do is end up in another one. While not all abusers look exactly the same, there are some characteristics that tend to be common among abusers:[9]
    • Emotionally intense or codependent
    • Possibly charming, popular, or talented
    • Fluctuates between emotional extremes.
    • Might be a former victim of abuse (particularly in childhood)
    • May suffer from alcoholism or drug addiction
    • Acts controlling
    • Bottles emotions up
    • Seems inflexible and judgmental
  7. Get busy doing other things. It can be very tempting, as you’re recovering, to dwell on the past. Try to move forward as much as possible by taking on new routines, hobbies, and interests. Form new memories and have new kinds of fun. Get busy and start living your life again.
    • Involve yourself in plenty of relaxing activities with friends or family members you trust. You may, for instance, join a dance class, start playing guitar, or learn a new language. Whatever you do, talk to your friends a lot. They will be able to comfort and advise you in this difficult time.



Tips

  • If someone can't respect you, you need to get out of the relationship.
  • Anytime someone harms you physically, call the police. You will need to get out of the house or wherever it is that you are and go somewhere safe.
  • Some people stay in abusive relationships because they fear what may happen to beloved pets if they leave.[10] Remember that your safety is a priority and don’t stay if you are being abused.

Warnings

  • Don't stay with anyone who abuses you. It is dangerous to stay with someone who is physically abusing you and could lead to death. It is unhealthy to be with someone mentally abusing you verbally, it will break you down, and make you give up on yourself, and break your self-esteem.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 1.6 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
  2. ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships
  3. ↑ http://theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf
  4. ↑ 4.00 4.01 4.02 4.03 4.04 4.05 4.06 4.07 4.08 4.09 4.10 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 5.2 http://www.domesticviolence.org/personalized-safety-plan/
  6. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 7.2 http://www.domesticviolence.org/personal-protection-orders/
  8. ↑ http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/userfiles/file/Children_and_Families/Certified%20Batterer%20Intervention%20Programs.pdf
  9. ↑ http://safeharborsfl.org/domestic-violence/teen-dating-violence/characteristics-of-abusers-and-victims
  10. ↑ http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/women-less-likely-to-leave-abusive-relationship-if-pet-involved-20141108-11b7tw.html
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