Deal With a Crush on Someone of the Same Gender at a Young Age

Having a crush on anyone can be a stressful situation for a young person. It can be even more difficult if the person you have a crush on is the same gender as you. If you are a young person who has never had this happen before, it can raise a lot of questions. Does this mean you are gay? Should you tell your crush how you feel? There are no easy answer to these questions. No matter what though, know that what you are feeling is natural and normal, and above all else, take care of yourself.

Steps

Managing Your Feelings

1. Don't panic. Many people get a crush on someone of the same gender and freak out. The first thing you should do is take a deep breath. Remember that what you are feeling is totally normal. It is not wrong to have these feelings.
   • Also, keep in mind that having a crush on a person of the same gender doesn't automatically mean you are gay. Sexuality is more complicated than that.
2. Learn about sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is more than a question of whether you are gay, straight, or bisexual. Instead of thinking of it as a set of categories that you do or do not belong to, try thinking of sexual orientation as a line between gay and straight. You can be anywhere along that line between the two.
   • You might, for example, feel most strongly about girls, but also like boys a little too.
   • In addition, sexual orientation is not just about who you have feelings for, it's also about how you think of yourself (as, straight, gay, bisexual, or something else), and how you actually behave. It's possible, for example, to have to have feelings for both men and women, but to think of yourself as basically straight and only date people of the opposite sex if that's what you want.
   • How you think of yourself and who you choose to have relationships with are decisions for you to make. The good news about this is that you have as much time as you want to make these decisions, and it's totally okay to change your answer later if you want! You don't ever have to label yourself if you don't want to.
3. Respect your feelings. Regardless of what you think about these questions right now, have respect for your own feelings. They are your feelings, and they are true. There aren't rules about what you get to feel.
   • Some people you share your feelings with might tell you you are going through a phase. They might be right, or they might not, but in the end, that's for you to decide, not anyone else. Accept the feelings you have now. If they change later, that's fine too.
4. Talk to someone you trust. The feelings you are experiencing right now are probably difficult ones. You don't need to go through this alone, unless you want to. Whenever you feel comfortable doing so, find someone you love and trust to talk to about what you are experiencing.
   • Having people support you can make difficult feelings and decisions easier. When you're ready, find someone who you know is accepting of homosexuality and who you trust to keep your feelings private.
   • Do this only when you're ready. You don't have to talk to anyone about this until you feel prepared.

Deciding If You Should Tell Your Crush

1. Spend time with your crush. Especially if you don't know your crush well, now is a good time to start spending more time around him or her. Get to know your crush better. It will help you get comfortable with this person, which will be important if you decide to share your feelings.
   • Spending time around your crush may also help you sort out your own feelings. You might decide that you really only like this person as a friend. Your crush might go away after a little while. Or, it might get stronger.
   • During this time, don't try to make it a date or anything like that, just hang out like you would with any of your other friends.
2. Find out how your crush feels about homosexuality. Once you are comfortable enough, ask your crush some questions to see how he or she feels about homosexuality or gay people. Some time when the two of you are hanging out alone, ask some questions to get a sense of how he or she feels.
   • You don't have to come right out and ask "How do you feel about gay people?" Or "Are you gay?" Instead, you can be a little more subtle. Ask questions like "What would you do if a boy/girl kissed you?" or "Have you ever had a crush on someone? Who was it? Have you ever had a crush on a boy/girl?"
   • If your crush reacts badly to these questions, don't keep trying. Not everyone is accepting of same-sex crushes, and if that's the case, it's time to give up. Skip on to the last step.
3. Try flirting a little. If you get the sense that your crush might feel the same as you, you can try getting a little flirty. Don't be too obvious, but flirting a little can give you a better idea if your crush might like you back.
   • For instance, some time when you're hanging out alone together, make eye contact while you're talking, and lean in just a little. See how your crush reacts. If they keep eye contact with you and don't move away, this might be a good sign.
4. Share your feelings, if you decide it's right. If you feel confident that your crush is accepting of gay people, you may decide to tell him or her how you feel. There's no easy way to do this, and only you can decide when or if it's the right time.
   • Be careful about making this decision, and if you have been given any signs that your crush might not approve, don't do it. Someone who thinks it is wrong to have these feelings might make fun of you, or tell other people about your feelings who might then be mean to you. This can hurt a lot. So be as certain as you can, especially if you don't want other people to know about your feelings.
   • Your crush may need time to think about what you have told him or her. Let your crush have as much time as needed to think about what you have said.
5. Move on if your crush doesn't share your feelings. If your crush doesn't share your feelings, you will need to let it go. Having feelings for someone who will never feel the same way can be very painful, and the best thing you can do is try to move on.
   • It will be up to you if you can still be friends with this person. In some cases, this works out fine. Crushes often don't last long, so you might just find that you now have a close friend that you can feel comfortable confiding in.
   • In other cases, continuing to spend time around your crush may hurt too much or make it too hard to move on. In a case like this, you might need to spend some time apart, or even not be friends anymore.

Tips

• If your parents aren't accepting of same-gender relationships, you might want to find someone else to talk to about your feelings, at least until you are confident enough about your sexual orientation to share it with your family.
• If you don't know anyone who you think will accept your feelings, and you want to talk to someone, you can call the GLBT National Youth Talkline at 1-800-246-7743. The GLBT National Help Center also has a weekly online talk for teens.
• If some time goes by after you've told your crush how you feel, and you still aren't sure if he or she likes you back, or if she or he changes the subject whenever it comes up, or anything like that, it's time to move on. He or she probably does not feel the same way as you.

Warnings

• Your crush may not be comfortable with your feelings towards them. So, before you tell him or her, you want to be as sure as you can that he or she will accept how you feel, even if she or he doesn't feel the same way. Otherwise, you could really get hurt.

Related Articles

• Meet Other Lesbians
• Talk With a Gay or Lesbian Person
• Approach a Bisexual Guy in the Closet
• Come to Terms with Being Transgender As a Teen

Sources and Citations

See also

• Deal with Homophobia at Work
• Figure Out Whether or Not You Are a Lesbian
• Be a Lesbian
• Accept That You Are Gay
• Know if You Are Heterosexual
• Get a Girl to Kiss You if You Are a Girl
• Accept Yourself As Bisexual
• Stop Using the Word "Gay" Inappropriately
• Be an Openly Gay Christian
• Understand Gay and Lesbian People

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