Meet Other Lesbians

A community at your back is one of the best ways to support yourself in any area of life. Whether you've only come out to yourself or you're living openly as a lesbian, you'll benefit from people with similar experiences. And of course, exploring LGBT spaces is a more successful start to a dating life than approaching attractive women and crossing your fingers.

Steps

Meeting Lesbians in Person

1. Look for LGBT community events. Search online to see if there are any LGBT community center or pride events in your area. Even if there's nothing that official, you can use sites like meetup.com to search for LGBT-friendly events.
   • lgbtcenters.org has a database of community centers in the United States.
   • If you are not fully out, attend events in neighboring towns where you are less likely to run into someone you know.
2. Talk to lesbians you already know. This doesn't need to be someone you know well, or that you're attracted to. A coworker, friend of a friend, former classmate — any local, out lesbian can introduce you to the LGBT community in your area, or recommend lesbian-friendly places to hang out.
3. Show up at a lesbian bar. If you're lucky enough to live in a place where LGBT people can gather openly, take advantage of it. This is a nerve wracking step for many newly out or semi-closeted lesbians, but gather up your confidence and get out there. If your town doesn't have a lesbian-specific bar, visit the gay bar to see if it attracts a wider LGBT clientele.
   • If you're not interested in a party or hookup scene, show up on a weekday evening. The atmosphere will be more relaxed and friendly conversation will be easier.
   • Straight bars are rarely a good place to look for same-sex dates. Only about 11% of U.S. lesbians in a relationship met their partner in a bar or restaurant, which might be related to the small and shrinking number of lesbian bars.
4. Attend concerts. Look for bands with a large lesbian fan base performing in your area. Note that this doesn't just mean bands with LGBT musicians (although it helps). If you think that lead singer is attractive, you're probably not alone.
5. Spend more time socializing. You don't need to attend a rainbow-themed roller derby club to meet other lesbians. The more time you spend in social activities, the better the chance of meeting people who catch your interest. Whether it's attending classes at a community center or joining a sports team, picking up a hobby is a great way to meet like-minded people. Even just starting conversations at the gym or getting to know progressive coworkers can help you make friends, and potentially something more.
   • Small towns may only have one or two locations where LGBT people are comfortable meeting openly. In that case, it may be easier to make your first connections with that community online or through LGBT events.
6. Learn to drop the hint. Misconstrued signals are a perennial problem for lesbians trying to date in straight spaces, especially for people who fall more on the femme side of the spectrum. If you don't want to spend an evening becoming a straight girl's new friend, you'll have to muster up some confidence and make it obvious what you're there for. Make a casual reference to an ex-girlfriend or a comment about how you'd love to date that hot, female celebrity.
   • If you don't want to risk a homophobic encounter, try something more subtle before you out yourself. Mention an LGBT event you attended, and see whether she reacts positively.
7. Volunteer. Volunteering at activist meetings and charity events is a great way to become involved in the LGBT community. You get to work for organizations that represent your values, and meet other lesbians at the same time.
   • In the United States, look into GLAAD, Gay for Good, Equality Federation, and the National Organization for Women.
   • The international organizations ILGA, Out Right Action International, and IGLYO (for youth) can direct you to country-specific resources.
8. Find your comfort level when dating from the closet. It is much more difficult to date another lesbian if your sexuality is a secret. Besides the scarcity of comfortable opportunities to signal your intent, many lesbians in LGBT-friendly areas are not interested in a closeted relationship. If you've been thinking of Come-Out already, maybe that should be your priority before jumping into the dating pool. If coming out would risk your safety or the health of important relationships in your life, or if you're just not ready, think carefully about the level of public disclosure you are willing to make. A few options include:
   • Coming out to close friends who are unlikely to spread the word back to your family and coworkers.
   • Traveling to neighboring towns where you can be open in public with a lower chance of seeing someone you know.
   • Discreet online dating, as described below. This can be a great way to expand your comfort zone.

Using Online Dating Sites and Apps

1. Figure out what you're looking for. For many newly out or closeted lesbians, online dating is their first opportunity to feel accepted, flirt, and overcome introversion about their sexuality. Maybe that's all your looking for, maybe you're looking for casual sex, or maybe you're interested in long-term romantic relationships. Think about your comfort level and what your goals are before you enter the digital dating world.
2. Choose a dating service. The LGBT online dating scene has grown tremendously in the past ten years. Here are a few of the more popular sites and apps:
   • LGBT-specific: Her (lesbian-only dating and social networking), Chemistry.com, Compatible Partners (for serious relationships only), Brenda
   • All-purpose dating: OK Cupid, Match.com, and eHarmony all have lesbian options. Hinge seems to tailor results for LGBT people better than other "swipe" apps.
3. Use-Online-Dating-Sites-Safely. Online dating has its perils, so don't take chances. Keep your personal information private, use a free email without your real name, and meet up with strangers in public locations. In addition, if you are not out to everyone in your life, take extra steps to prevent nosy employers or family members from finding you. Most sites allow you to hide your profile until you've agreed to accept communications from someone, but this option makes it harder to make connections.
   • Ok Cupid has an "I don't want to be seen by straight people" checkbox in the privacy settings.
   • Chances are good that your straight friends won't be browsing an LGBT-only dating site. Just make sure the profile doesn't show up when you google your name.
4. Be clear about what you're looking for. Unfortunately, there is a minor plague of straight women contacting lesbians for a threesome with their boyfriend. Forestall some of this — and make your intentions clear to other lesbians — with a clear, direct description in your bio. "Lesbian seeking same" is a simple example.

Tips

• There are many lesbian online communities where you can seek support, ask advice, and make friends. Try the After Ellen forums, Empty Closets, or LGBTchat.net.
• There's no secret signal that identifies someone as a lesbian. If you're good at readying body language and flirting cues, you can tell when someone is attracted to you. It's best to avoid jumping to conclusions based on fashion choices and haircuts, or at least anything more subtle than a rainbow bracelet.

Warnings

• Some "out" lesbians are reluctant to date people still exploring their sexuality or entering the LGBT dating scene for the first time. If that applies to you and you live somewhere with an established LGBT community, consider how you're presenting yourself on dating sites and in introductions. Being up front about your status may help you find better matches, but you may prefer to make connections first and have the conversation once you know each other a little better.

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