Deal With a Genuinely Stupid, Mean Mother As a Teen
This article is a response to a question asked of a high school teacher. A lot of teenagers think that their mothers are mean and stupid. Teens, as a rule, grow up to discover their mothers were actually just trying to keep them alive, and they are much smarter than the teen gave them credit for. But sometimes, they just act obnoxious over a small deal.
However, it must be said that there are some genuinely stupid, mean women who are also mothers. For the purposes of this article, it's assumed the latter is the case.
Steps
- Feel. Yes, you wish your mother was sweet, gentle, understanding, kind. but no matter what don't be disrespectful,Just don't verbalize your feelings in front of her. It'll only make things worse for you. There's a very good chance your mother knows she's not very smart, and that makes her behave in mean ways. Reminding her of her shortcomings will not make life easier for you.
- Step Away. After you've given yourself the permission to cry, yell scream, etc., step away from your emotions. One of the more constructive ways to deal with your mother is with emotional detachment. No anger, whining, crying, begging, yelling, belittling.... just facts. If she intentionally does things to hurt you or make you angry, your best defense/offense is not letting yourself feel hurt or angry.
- Comply. Insofar as possible, do what she wants you to do before she asks. This gives her one less thing to be mean about and gives you the upper hand when you ask for what you want.
- Seek support and guidance from adults who aren't like her. Pay close attention to the ideas of friends' mothers who are more gentle, consistent and responsible. Get outside information. Much of what you're being told every day is sabotaging and may be wrong. Instead of just getting mad at her for steering you wrong, seek sources of better information and remember what they say. Question anything she says about you or about life and compare it with what ministers, therapists, teachers, healthier adults say. Examine everything in your life because these things don't blow up out of nowhere. They get passed on by generations and you don't want to continue the cycle.
- Learn how to become assertive rather than passive, passive-aggressive or aggressive in dealing with people. This can be studied, even in books it can help to understand the family dynamic and choose your own path in life. It may make her even angrier if you don't respond to the usual mind games in the usual way, but it's important to build some inner resistance to protect your mind and soul.
- Watch for projection. Don't be surprised if you get accused of things you wouldn't even think of doing - if she does them, she expects you to do them whether you would or not. Cruel mothers don't always have that good a grip on reality and can't tell the difference between when you're behaving well or not. The best thing to do is behave well anyway and try to spend more time with other people so they can see the situation for themselves.
Tips
- Remember, she's the one who is stupid and mean. Don't let yourself become like her. Deal with your grief. Don't let her control your emotions. Comply up front to get some of the things you want later.
- Resist the compulsion to be emotionally detached with others who are not stupid or mean. It is your mother who is not very nice to you - don't make others pay for her shortcomings.
- If there is another adult in your life who is inspiring and kind, someone who helps you feel better, do cultivate that relationship. And remember, you get two chances to have a parent/child relationship: the one where you're the child, and later, the one where you're the parent. You can redress all wrongs done to you simply by being the good parent your stupid, mean parent was not.
- You may feel as if you're "getting back at her" by making her angry or annoying her but that's not how it works with people in authority over you. It might feel good for a moment, but it's bad for you in the long run, because she will make you pay - in spades - for getting one over on her. Stay detached and factual. Let her be miserable by herself.
- The number one thing is: do not lash back, don't say anything you will regret later on. Walk way from the situation if it won't get you lashed at. Think of something happy, not too happy where you laugh at loud. Just walk away. Avoid making the situation worse.
- When a person is born their heart beats 140 beats per minute. During a lifetime the heart beats slower and slower; in middle age the heart beats 90 to 110 beats per minutes and in old age only 70. This makes a young person energetic and emotional, a middle aged person pensive and an elderly person habitual. You must realize that you are changing and your pensive mother can think through things on another level. Try to ask your mother her reasoning and tell her you will try to understand. This will calm her down and give you more time.
Warnings
- In case of physical abuse, call the police. Don't worry about how the parent will react.
- The best way to work through this situation would be for mother and teen to see a good, competent counselor.
Things You'll Need
- Patience
- Determination
- Compassion
- Love
