Stop Fighting with Your Family

Having an argument with anyone can be upsetting. When it’s your family that you’re fighting with, it’s normal to feel confused about how to handle it. You may be ashamed to admit that your family fights. You may feel sad because the situation doesn’t seem to be improving. What you probably want most of all is to decrease the fighting and bring harmony and peace back into your household. Learn some basic guidelines on how to stop fighting with your family.

Steps

Coping with Sibling Rivalry

  1. Be the bigger person. Try to rise above the disagreement and show your level of maturity. Consider how important the issue is that you are fighting about. If it’s a serious matter that is truly affecting one of you, then you should sit down and give each person the opportunity to express themselves.[1]
    • Say something to the effect of “We’re sister/brothers. We shouldn’t be fighting like cats and dogs. Let’s take a moment to talk about this. You go first.” Being willing to let the other person talk first can go a long way of showing that you want to resolve the problem.
    • If the issue isn’t that big of a deal, however, let it slide without a big fuss. Siblings have little spats between them. It doesn’t mean you don’t love and care for one another.
  2. Get some space. Sometimes, others get under your skin because one of you is already irritable or anxious. Be willing to recognize when you are tense and take a moment to collect yourself before trying to sort out an argument. It can actually help to recognize when you need a break ahead of time. This can prevent you from saying words you’ll later regret.[2]
    • Go somewhere by yourself for a short time to gather your thoughts and calm down. It can even help to leave your house or wherever you are and visit a friend.
  3. Try to compromise.[2] If something that you do annoys them, make an effort to stop. Help them out, and show them that you're genuinely making an effort to get along. It's normal and sometimes necessary to change some tiny aspect about yourself to get along with people—siblings are no different.
    • Choose a time and place to talk when you have both cooled off. Think about how much you’re willing to bend to compromise. Be truthful in sharing your thoughts and opinions (without being offensive) and be willing to listen to the other person’s side of things to.
    • Once the two of you make an agreement, uphold your end of the bargain. It may also be a good idea to check in with your brother or sister regularly to see if they are satisfied with the progress you two are making.
  4. Avoid trying to make your parents choose a side. It’s common for siblings to want to pull mom and dad into a disagreement to determine who’s right and who’s wrong. This is unfair to your parents and your sibling(s). Unless the fight has turned potentially dangerous, try to exercise your conflict resolution skills without involving your parents.[3]

Resolving a Fight with Parents

  1. Keep your cool. If you are getting upset with a parent, take a time-out. Politely excuse yourself and walk into another room or outside for a breath of fresh air. Do some deep breathing exercises to stimulate your body’s natural stress relief response.
    • Inhale through your nose for 4 counts. Hold it for 7 counts. Then, exhale the air through your mouth for 8 counts. Repeat this technique until you start to feel calm again.[4]
  2. Use “I” statements. Be respectful and use language that minimizes your chances of offending your parent(s) and getting into trouble. If you use statements that start with “you,” they can seem argumentative. “I” statements give you the chance to express how you feel and respectfully disagree with your mom and/or dad.
    • Try this: “I feel mistrusted when you follow me in the car. I try my best to follow the rules, but it doesn’t help if you don’t try to trust me.” Or, “I’m feeling really pressured about having to go to your alma mater for college. Can I have more time to think this over?”
  3. Practice active listening. One of the main reasons why you may fight with your parents is the neither of you feels heard. If, by this point, you have been allowed to express yourself, return the favor by listening to their points-of-view as well. Refrain from using any sarcasm when something is said that you don’t like or agree with. Follow these tips to listen effectively:[5]
    • Put away any distractions, such as turning off phones or TVs
    • Turn to face your parent(s) and make occasional eye contact
    • Reflect open body language by uncrossing your arms and legs and leaning toward the speaker
    • Wait until the speaker is done before replying
    • Make clarifications by asking questions to ensure that you got the correct message
  4. Remember that they love you. If you’re a teen who finds yourself arguing with your parents, you may feel as if you are at war. No matter how difficult your relationship is with your parents and how rarely you see eye-to-eye, they love you and probably have your best interests at heart. Although it may feel as though you are on different sides, they just want the best for you.[6]

Getting Outside Support

  1. Find someone outside of the conflict to confide in. Leaning on an unbiased third party can help you cope with fighting in your family. Make sure the person you confide in will listen to you without taking sides or breaking your confidence. Vent to them when something goes wrong, and let them help you sort out your feelings.
    • Talking to someone who is not involved in an argument can help you vent your frustrations. However, another advantage of confiding in a friend is the ability to get some perspective. That person may be able to spot when you are being unreasonable and advise you on how to make amends when you have taken an argument to far.[7]
  2. Perform regular self-care. When there is turmoil in your family, you must attend to your own mental and emotional needs to cope. You may not even notice how tense and stressed you feel after fighting with your family, but your mind and body are certainly experiencing the effects. Stress can cause you to make rash decisions and even become physically ill. Counteract this stress by treating your mind and body good.[8]
    • Do something that relaxes and soothes you. This can include going for a run, taking a warm bubble bath, playing with your dog, watching a movie with friends, or getting a mani-pedi.
  3. Consider going to family therapy. Someone with professional training might be able to find the source of the problem and help you and your family solve these issues. Take it seriously if you do decide to go through with it. A marriage and family therapist or mediator can help you and your family learn to communicate your grievances while fighting fair.[9]
  4. Have patience. Learning better ways to share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions without hurting your loved ones is a skill that takes time to develop. Try not to be upset when things don’t change overnight. In the meantime, look for small indicators that you and your family are learning to resolve conflict in a more healthy manner.

Tips

  • Try to be fair. Don't paint the person who you are having conflicts with as the only source of the problem. Try to see it from their point of view, and don't try to badmouth them or see yourself as the victim.
  • We can't change other people. Stop expecting other people to change so that you can be happy.
  • Stop placing the blame for how you feel on others. We all choose how we feel. You can learn to feel better and even learn to feel good under the most trying of circumstances.
  • Don't start fights or try to hurt the person you have trouble with on purpose.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/kids/family-fights.html#
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 http://ie.reachout.com/inform-yourself/family-and-friends/family-relationships/conflict-with-siblings/
  3. ↑ http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm
  4. ↑ http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/VDR00112/The-4-7-8-Breath-Benefits-and-Demonstration.html
  5. ↑ https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm
  6. ↑ http://www.teenissues.co.uk/arguingwithparents.html
  7. ↑ http://au.reachout.com/fighting-with-a-brother-or-sister
  8. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/relaxation-make-time-and-take-time-for-self-care/
  9. ↑ https://cmhc.utexas.edu/fightingfair.html
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