Deal With a Proud Person
After losing his darlin' to his pride, country singer Hylo Brown croons: "Foolish pride, I'll never forgive you in this lifetime." We have all come across that person who refuses to show weakness, give in to an argument, or accept a helping hand. How can you form a meaningful and functional relationship with a proud person?
Steps
- Be non-invasive. Proud people can often be irritable or even downright aggressive. These are barriers put up to shield themselves from vulnerability. Recognize this personality trait and resist prying for justification of this person's behavior, as this will only be counterproductive. If the person has already proven to be unresponsive to constructive dialogue, sometimes it's best to accept his or her refusal for the time being.
- Come bearing offerings. A little sugar never hurt anyone! The next time you see this person, you might want to bring something that lightens the mood and pleases — perhaps a cup of coffee, Bake Lemon and Candied Ginger Muffins, or a fun story that might be appreciated. A gesture of generosity, even if not necessarily warranted, could help turn things around. Occasionally, the person may not ask for help but will accept help (or offerings) when given without having to ask.
- Be intuitive. Although it is best not to pry, you can still observe and decipher such negative behavior in order to identify its "triggers." Get to a point at which you can intuitively recognize when tension may arise and then find a quick way defuse it. These articles might help with redirecting:
- Resist taking this behavior personally. You are not the cause. See How to Stop Taking Things Personally.
- Focus on the common ground you and the other person share. Perhaps this is a shared work task, a common appreciation for a TV show or musical artist, or a love of fly fishing. If the point of contact is a shared task, find a way to move on from a point of contention and redirect energy to the task at hand. If you are in a social or familial relationship with this person, find ways to cultivate these commonalities. Go fly fishing, or give a subscription to a fly fishing magazine as a gift.
- Know your own limits. This is a popular phrase used in yoga, and it may serve you well in your relationship with a proud person. In addition to understanding the other's behavior, it is important to recognize how much you can take of a particular side of this person's personality. If someone is too aggressive, for example, politely find a way out. Maybe you have an urgent deadline on another project or an obligation to someone else to move a couch, pick up groceries, etc. Protect yourself by setting up boundaries.
- Recognize territoriality and confrontational behavior. Another person's stubbornness need not cause you to act in like fashion. Concede a point in order to move on. If your point is the better of the two, this will ultimately become clear one way or another, even if at a later date.
- Be clear, logical, non-judgmental, and unemotional in your communication. Agree to disagree. See How to Gain Control of Your Emotions.
- Rely on your own sense of accomplishment or good will. Overcome disappointment if your proud person is unable to recognize your efforts or express gratitude for your help. This person is probably grateful; s/he is just not able to express it in a way you that you expect or understand.
- Understand that every relationship you have with a particular person is a unique one requiring different roles and strategies. Maintaining good relationships with people, whether they be proud or not, requires reflection, flexibility, and generosity. If one keeps this in mind, it will be possible to relate well to most people, even those who are particularly difficult.
- Ask for their help. Proud people like to take control and maintain their autonomy. Whatever the situation, ask for this person's opinion. Engage his or her voice as a sign of respect. Everyone responds well to that!
