Deal With an Obsessive Boyfriend

While some feelings of jealously and insecurity may be normal in a relationship, obsessive behavior is not. If your boyfriend is jealous to the point he monitors how you spend your time, limits your contact with friends and family members, and becomes jealous over small interactions you have with others, you need to take action. Be open and honest with your boyfriend in regards to how his jealousy is damaging to you. Set clear boundaries for his behavior in the future. Evaluate the relationship. Obsessive behavior is often a sign of emotional abuse. If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, it's important to recognize abuse and take action by leaving the relationship.

Steps

Setting Clear Boundaries

  1. Choose the right time and place to talk. Talking about relationship problems is never easy. If your boyfriend is becoming obsessive, however, it's important the issue be addressed. Let your boyfriend know you want to talk. Make sure to pick a time and place that will help a conversation run smoothly.[1]
    • If possible, choose a neutral setting. You don't want anyone to feel they have the home team advantage. A quiet coffee shop may be a good place to talk.
    • Choose a time free of outside constraints. If your boyfriend attends a ceramics class Wednesday nights, do not ask him to talk an hour before the class starts. Choose a day of the week when neither of you have plans or commitments. A Saturday afternoon may work.
  2. Plan what you need to say. Going into the conversation, you should get a sense of what you want to communicate. It may help to jot down your thoughts or talk them over with a friend or family member. Have a few sentences ready to go that best express your frustrations and concerns.[1]
    • Do not over plan, however. Leave some room for flexibility. If you write down everything you want to say word-per-word, you risk sounding scripted. This may also disrupt the natural flow of the conversation, as you may have strict expectations and become frustrated when they are not met.
    • Plan a few sentences that express what you need to express. However, go into the conversation without strict expectations. You do not need to plan a monologue. You can also try practicing what you want to say while looking into a mirror.
  3. Make it clear to your boyfriend what behaviors are inappropriate. It's vital to set boundaries when dealing with an obsessive boyfriend. Lay out, with no uncertainty, what behaviors you feel are inappropriate. You boyfriend needs to know where the lines are in the relationship. Behaviors that make you feel unsafe are especially important to address. Make it clear to your boyfriend you will not stay in a relationship where you are habitually made to feel unsafe.[2]
    • Behaviors that make you feel frightened or uncomfortable are not okay in a romantic relationship. Let your partner know that, while you understand he has issues with trust or jealousy, he needs to find appropriate means to express these issues.
    • Figure out what behaviors bother you, and tell him they are no longer acceptable. For example, your boyfriend may raise his voice and accuse you of infidelity when you get home late. Say something to him like, "I understand it makes you nervous when I'm out late with my friends. It's okay to feel what you're feeling, but you cannot raise your voice to me and throw around accusations. That is not appropriate and I'm not going to tolerate it."
    • Keep in mind that obsessive behavior is often present along with other abusive behavior patterns.
  4. Use "I"-statements. "I"-statements are statements phrased in a way that minimizes blame. When you use an "I"-statement, you focus primarily on your own feelings, and how a person's behavior affects your feelings. Rather than saying a behavior is objectively right or wrong, you're telling someone how that behavior affects you on a personal and subjective level.[1]
    • An "I"-statement has three parts. It begins with "I feel," after which you immediately state your emotion. Then, you explain the behavior that led to that emotion. Lastly, you say why you feel the way you do.
    • Without "I"-statements, certain sentiments can sound accusatory. For example, you may be inclined to say something like, "You make me feel like I'm doing something wrong when I go out with my friends. I don't like the guilt trips and I'm entitled to my own social life."
    • You can rephrase the above sentiment using an "I"-statement. Try something like, "I feel guilty when you get mad at me for going out with my friends and I don't like the idea that I can't have a social life independent of you."
  5. Form a plan to move forward. After the discussion, make plans to move forward. Talk to your boyfriend about how to proceed with the relationship in the future. Work on setting new boundaries that respect both you and your boyfriend's emotional needs.
    • Be willing to compromise in areas that don't violate your needs. For example, you could agree to allow your boyfriend to accompany you to certain social events if it doesn't bother you.
    • Encourage your boyfriend to take steps to be a better partner himself. You could ask him to seek the help of a therapist to work on his obsessive thought patterns. You could also ask him to stop pressing you for information about where you're going and who you're with.
  6. Consider your boyfriend's concerns. Empathy, or at least some understanding, can help a conversation run smoothly. Think about what your boyfriend may want from you, and what you're willing to give. What expectations does he have that feel like reasonable requests? Where do you need him to meet you halfway?[2]
    • Recognize what you're not willing to give. You should never give in to a request that violates your sense of integrity and security. If something makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, your boyfriend needs to cease that behavior. For example, while you can agree to be more vigilant about answering texts, your boyfriend needs to understand it is not appropriate for him to call you repetitively when you are at work or social events.
    • However, there may be some things you can do to help assuage your boyfriend's worries. Maybe your boyfriend feels insecure. He may have been cheated on before, or have a history of bad relationships. If this is the case, he may want you to check in more frequently, to return his texts quicker, and to allow him to occasionally accompany you to events and parties.

Evaluating the Relationship

  1. Learn the signs of emotional abuse. Obsession can be a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship. Emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse. If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, it's important that you recognize as much and take steps to get out. The following are common signs that a relationship has become abusive:[3]
    • Your boyfriend monitors what you are doing. He needs to know where you are at all times. He may ask to read your texts, email, or messages on social media.
    • Your boyfriend frequently loses his temper, and may yell at you, curse at you, or call you names.
    • Your boyfriend may discourage you from seeing friends or family members. If you take him out with you, he may do things to embarrass you in front of others.
    • He may control how you spend your money.
    • He may threaten to hurt people you care about or your pets.
  2. Think about your own emotional needs. If your emotional needs are being violated by a controlling boyfriend, it's important to recognize as much. You should never sacrifice your own sense of fulfillment and happiness for the sake of a relationship.[2]
    • Are you able to feel fulfilled on your own in this relationship? Does your boyfriend allow you to pursue things like a career or a social life? Have you given up anything essential to your own happiness to be with this person?
    • If you feel like your boyfriend's obsessive behavior is making you lose your sense of self, you need to address this. Obsessive boyfriends, especially those who cross the line to emotional abuse, will push back. Do not be intimidated. Practice firmly saying "No" and asserting your own needs. For example, "I am going to happy hour after work. I like socializing with my coworkers and I don't need to justify that to you."
  3. Consider how much contact you have with family and friends. Obsessive boyfriends, particularly those that are emotionally abusive, want their partners all to themselves. If your boyfriend is limiting your contact with others, this is not a healthy relationship.[4]
    • Does your boyfriend not like you to be on the phone or Facebook when he's around? Does he denigrate your personal relationships? Does he try to exert control over who you do and do not see?
    • Your boyfriend may try to make it sound like he has your best interests at heart when trying to limit your contact with others. For example, he may say things like, "I'm not sure Alyssa is an appropriate friend for you. She's really wild, and I feel like she'll get you in trouble. I don't know that she really cares about you."
    • In a loving and healthy relationship, partners support one another's friendships. Your boyfriend should want you to have positive relationships with a variety of people outside your romantic relationship.
  4. Look at your boyfriend's personal life outside of you. Your boyfriend may be obsessive because he has little going on outside of the relationship. As you evaluate the relationship, look into your boyfriend's personal life. Is he able to maintain healthy relationships with friends and family members? If not, you may be better off without this person.[4]
    • Your boyfriend may have little going on outside of you. He may rely on you for social contact and support. In a new relationship, it's normal to spend a lot of time together. You may not see your friends as frequently during the first few months of a romantic relationship. However, if your boyfriend expects this intense level of contact longer than a few months, it may be a bad sign.
    • Your boyfriend may try to romanticize this attachment. He may say things like, "You're my everything" or "You're my world." While such statements sound sweet and romantic, they are not necessarily healthy or sustainable longterm. If you truly are your boyfriend's whole world, this is unhealthy obsessive behavior that needs addressing.
  5. Ask your boyfriend about his past. Many obsessive and jealous people have had difficulties with relationships in the past. Your boyfriend may be bringing issues from the past into his present relationship. Ask him if he's been hurt in the past, and if there's anything you can do to help him move forward.[5]
    • Ask your boyfriend what his home life was like growing up. If there was a lot of instability in his household, he may seek stability in a romantic relationship.
    • Ask about past relationships. If your boyfriend was with someone who cheated on him or abandoned him in the past, this may be driving his future obsession.
    • Remember, while your boyfriend's past can help you have more empathy, it does not justify his behavior. Make it clear that, while you understand where he's coming from, he needs to change his behavior. Say something like, "I get that your father abandoned you as a child, but you need to accept I'm not your father and our relationship is different. Your abandonment issues are really damaging to me and to our relationship."

Making Decisions about the Future

  1. Take your power back. Once you've evaluated the relationship, and had a frank talk with your boyfriend, you need to take some of your power back. Do not make decisions out of fear of your boyfriend's reaction. Decide what you need to do for yourself and your own sense of fulfillment.[2]
    • Reassert your boundaries when necessary. If your boyfriend gives you a hard time about answering a text in front him, say something like, "We talked about this. It's important I have my space and you need to respect that."
    • Be ready to walk away from the relationship if things don't change. In cases of emotional abuse especially, it's important to get away from the situation.
  2. End a relationship that is abusive. If you've concluded the relationship is emotionally abusive, end it. It's very important you not subject yourself to more bad treatment, and it's unlikely an abusive partner will ever change. Periods of normal behavior, in which your partner compromises and treats you well, are cyclical. Eventually, the abuse will occur again and periods of normalcy tend to get shorter as time goes by.[6]
  3. Find people who value you. If you end an obsessive or abusive relationship, it's normal to suffer feelings of low self worth in the aftermath. A good way to counteract such negative thoughts is through seeking out people who value you as a person. Seek the support of friends and family members who care about you and want to see you successful and happy.[2]
    • Find your most supportive friends. Connect with people who are positive and care about who you are.
    • Have people you can share your passions with. If you're a writer, for example, host a small workshop with your friends where you share one another's work. It's important, in the aftermath of an obsessive relationship, to be around people who support you and want you to succeed.
  4. Seek the help of a therapist. Whether or not you choose to stay with your boyfriend, it's important you seek the help of a therapist. Individual counseling or couple's counseling can help you sort through relationship issues and learn coping techniques.
    • You can find a therapist through your insurance or you can get a referral from your existing doctor. If you're a student, you may be entitled to free counseling through your university.

Tips

  • If your partner is obsessive it is not your fault. Often obsessive people will use guilt to make you stay, making you believe it is something you did or are doing that is making them the way they are. Leave the relationship as soon as possible. Obsession can become dangerous.

Warnings

  • If your relationship is emotionally abusive, the abuse may eventually become physical. These situations can be dangerous. If your boyfriend ever harms you physically, leave the relationship immediately. You should also report any incidents of domestic abuse to the proper authorities.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201509/7-ways-make-your-most-difficult-conversations-easier
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/07/12/in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship-5-steps-to-take/
  3. ↑ http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/emotional-abuse.html
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-of-a-controlling-guy/
  5. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/03/04/8-healthy-ways-to-deal-with-jealousy/
  6. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
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