Dump Your Boyfriend
Even if you're absolutely certain that it's over between you and your boyfriend, ending things is never easy. Whether your relationship was too stormy or whether the spark has just fizzled, you may be anxious about how to end things. We've got some ideas for you to consider, whether you're looking for advice on how to let him down easy, or on how to make him understand that it's really over.
Contents
Steps
Preparing for Your Break-up
- Think about why you want to end the relationship. If you're on the fence about whether or not to dump your boyfriend, or even if you're absolutely sure that this is the right call, it's a good idea to spend some time thinking about why you're considering ending your relationship.
- Your boyfriend may ask for an explanation, and while you might not owe him one if he's treated you badly, it's still a good idea for you to understand what your reasons are.
- This can help keep you from second-guessing yourself later or regretting your decision.
- Be careful about making a pros and cons list. Even though it will help you if you can know why you are dumping your boyfriend, don't feel as though you must make your decision based on all of the pros and cons.
- Love is not necessarily rational. While you might be able to come up with all sorts of reasons for staying together that look good on paper, this doesn't mean that you need to stay together, or that it'd be better for you in the long-run if you stick it out.
- Understand that you don't have to have a reason to break up. If your boyfriend doesn't respect you or if you don't have enough in common, then those are excellent reasons to break up. Don't think, though, that you absolutely have to have good reasons before you can dump your boyfriend.
- There are all sorts of reasons for breaking up, and they are all pretty much equally valid.
- For example, if you're just not feeling it anymore, then that's a perfectly acceptable reason for breaking up.
- Try not to procrastinate. Once you've made your decision to end your relationship, putting it off for too long will just make you more anxious and keep you in an unfulfilling relationship longer than necessary.
- Avoid rushing to break up. At the same time, though, if you rush to break up with your boyfriend without giving it any thought, you could end up saying things you don't mean or that you will later regret.
- It's better to give it some thought, and then, once you've made your decision to move forward with the break-up, to act with conviction.
- Decide if you'll break up in person. People seem to overwhelmingly agree that it's pretty lame to break up over the phone, let along to dump your boyfriend over email or by text.
- If you and your boyfriend have a history together, and if you still care about him, then it's definitely a sign of respect to talk to him face-to-face, even if this means that it will be harder for you emotionally.
- Know when it's ok to break up by other ways. If your boyfriend is abusive, or if you're worried that he might be violent when you break up, then you shouldn't feel any pressure to meet him face-to-face. Your safety matters most.
- If you and your boyfriend are in a long-distance relationship, then you may not want to wait until you are able to see each other again to break up. If at all possible, try to get your boyfriend on video or chat instead of sending him an impersonal text or email.
- Avoid making your breakup public. It's funny to read stories about people dumping their lousy boyfriends and girlfriends by taking out newspaper or billboard ads, or even by just changing their Facebook relationship status without first talking to their now-ex.
- As tempting as this might be, keep in mind that these moves make your personal business public, that this won't make you look like the bigger person, and that you may eventually regret embarrassing your boyfriend.
- Think twice about playing games. You may hear advice that it's easier to get your boyfriend to break up with you instead of having to do it yourself by acting obnoxiously or becoming really distant.
- These are silly games, and they won't necessary work. Even if they do, and your boyfriend does dump you first, you may have created a pretty bad reputation for yourself, or you might later be ashamed of how you behaved.
- Confide in someone you trust. You may find it easier to have this tough conversation with your boyfriend if you first confide in a friend, a sibling, or a parent. If you're unsure about whether or not this is the right move, or if you're nervous about knowing what to say, this person can help you talk things through and give you some valuable advice.
- In order to respect your boyfriend, make sure that you can trust this person to stay quiet until you're able to talk to your boyfriend yourself. You don't want word to get to him behind your back and make things even worse.
- Think about what you want to say in advance. If you've never broken up with someone before, or if you're just really nervous, it may help for you to come up with a script that you can practice and memorize.
- Think about what you want to tell your boyfriend, and also what you want to avoid being pressured into talking about. We'll give you some ideas about what you can say in following steps.
- Practice with a friend. You also may feel better if you can rehearse your break-up with a friend. This will help you make sure that you know what you want to say, and you can together think about how your boyfriend might react. This can help you practice knowing how to respond.
- For example, your friend can pretend to be your boyfriend, and can beg you to take “him” back. You can have a response prepared. For example, “I'm really sorry that I've hurt you, but nothing is going to change my mind."
- Think about how your boyfriend will react. Even if you don't practice with a friend, you should spend some time thinking about how your boyfriend may react when you tell him it's over. This will help you sympathize with him, and will also help you be more prepared.
- Your boyfriend could react with any of the following: anger, crying, rudeness, attempts to manipulate you, or by vowing to change things.
- Decide whether any of these will be acceptable to you—for example, if he seems sincere when he promises to spend more time with you, are you willing to give him a second chance?
Breaking Up with Your Boyfriend
- Choose the right place to break up. There's no one rule about whether or not you should break up in public or in private. It will all depend upon your relationship and your boyfriend's personality. Even so, it's usually best not to break up with him in a place where he'll be humiliated.
- Avoid really private locations. It's not a great idea to break up in a place that is totally isolated, just in case things get scary. Remember that even if you believe your boyfriend would never hurt you, people can act in surprising ways when they are hurt or embarrassed.
- Try to choose a place where you can have a private conversation, but where you can easily leave or call for help if needed. A good place might be a public park where you can sit on a bench out of earshot of other people, but where there are other people around.
- Bring back-up if needed. You may want to consider having a friend or an older sibling hang out nearby in case you're worried about how the conversation with your boyfriend will go.
- Consider beginning by saying something kind. Once you and your boyfriend have sat down together, you may want to begin by telling him something kind. Unless he's been terrible to you, there's no reason to be cruel.
- It may help him to be reassured of the good qualities that he has that brought you together in the beginning. For example, you could say, “You've always been so supportive of me, which I really appreciate,” or “We have an awesome spark, and had a lot of fun together”.
- Avoid sugar-coating it. You won't want to beat around the bush, though. Make sure that you are direct and that you let your boyfriend know that you are breaking up.
- Tell him, “I don't want to be in a serious relationship right now, and I want to break up” or “I'm looking for something more out of a relationship, so I don't think we should see each other anymore”.
- Avoid using the obvious break-up cliches. Everyone can see through the “it's not you, it's me” line, so try to find a way to clearly explain to your boyfriend why you want to end things without insulting his intelligence.
- Of course, it is possible that you want to break up not because of anything he's done but because you've realized you want something else (in which case it really is you, not him!); even so, try to find a different way of putting it.
- For example, try saying, “You're great, but we're very different, and I think I'd be a better match with someone who likes more of the same things I do.”
- Be prepared to listen to your boyfriend. Your boyfriend may have questions, or may want to explain himself to you, and you should at least be open to listening to him.
- Of course, if he reacts with anger or calls you names, you shouldn't feel as though you have to hear him out, and you should not feel bad at all about leaving.
- Keep it quick. There's no need for you to drag out your break-up conversation, or to stay up all night talking and crying. You'll just go around and around in circles, and you'll both be emotionally drained.
- It may help if you schedule something that you need to go to shortly after your “meeting” with your boyfriend, so that you won't get dragged into a painfully long talk.
- Be firm and clear. Unless you're Taylor Swift, it may feel harsh to say “We're never ever getting back together.” It's important, though, that you don't leave your (now ex-)boyfriend with false hope.
- If you really don't see a future together, then avoid saying anything that might make him think there is still hope.
- For example, don't suggest that you take a break, if what you really want is to see other people.
Dealing with Post Break-Up Issues
- Understand that you can't be the one to help your boyfriend get over the breakup. Even though you broke up with your boyfriend, you may still care about him. If you two were close, and you've been the person he's always wanted to talk to when having a hard time, it may be hard for both of you to break the habit of confiding in each other.
- You may be tempted to check in on him to see how he's doing, or answer his calls and texts. Don't. You'll only be sending mixed messages and will be making it harder for him to get over you and move on.
- Be careful with your ex's feelings after you break-up. At one point or another, you'll probably start to second-guess your decision, or you'll be lonely or bored and may be tempted to text or call your ex. Proceed with extreme caution!
- If you really do start to think you've made a mistake and would like to get back together, take some time to really think about it.
- Think carefully about trying to be friends. You may be tempted to tell your boyfriend that you can remain friends after breaking up, and you may sincerely mean this. Even so, you may both need some time and space before you can ever get to this place.
- Don't try to force your ex-boyfriend into being friendly towards you, hanging out non-romantically with friends, etc.
- Similarly, you shouldn't feel pressure from your ex about hanging out or trying to change your relationship into a friendship.
- Create a support network. Break-ups are rarely easy, and you may feel extra lonely or depressed after you've ended your relationship, even if you're convinced that you made the right decision.
- Be sure to stay in touch with people who care about you, and be willing to seek out extra help or advice from teachers, guidance counselors, or your doctor if you're having a particularly hard time moving on.
- Know what to do if your ex reacts badly. If your ex-boyfriend threatens you, follows you, or makes you feel uncomfortable, it's important that you talk to someone right away. Confide in an (adult) friend, a parent, a teacher, a counselor or your doctor to get advice.
- You may need to take steps to block your ex from being able to contact you by phone, email, and/or Facebook.
- At some point, it may also be necessary to involve the authorities or get a restraining order. You can get advice on this from any of the people above, but you should never hesitate to call the police directly if you feel threatened.
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